topic Re: Returning to normal in Living with and beyond cancer

Returning to normal

flight — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 03:33:24 GMT

My life went on hold when I was being treated for cancer. When the treatment was completed, I believed that my life would recommence where it had stopped. The reality is different. Although active treatment has finished, I continue to live with the physical and emotional repercussions of diagnosis and treatment. Because of this, how do you reach a point where you can say that this experience has ended? I ‘m not sure whether there is a concrete finishing point as such. I do think that things change though. I find it difficult to relate to the “return to normal”(what is normal anyway?). I feel like this implies that my life will go back and return to exactly the way that it was before my cancer diagnosis. There have been so many changes in my life that I feel like I am getting further and further away from my previous life! There has been good and bad changes in my life. Overall though, I feel like I am moving forward in my life. There is more pain and anxiety than ever before. Equally though, life is more rich and fulfilling now. It is the sum of all the good and bad, pleasant and painful experiences that shape, mould and form the person that I am today. Cancer or no cancer, life is not static. Perhaps the experience of cancer heightens one’s awareness of change. I feel like my life is constantly changing. Some changes have been beneficial where others are not. Some days I am more accepting of change than on others. Sometimes I wish that life would stop and let me catch up! I don’t believe that my life will return to the way that it was before I was diagnosed with cancer. I wish to keep moving forward and to live as well as I can. I know that my life will continue to change.

Re: Returning to normal

harker — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 05:52:32 GMT

Yep.

Re: Returning to normal

irdano — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 02:34:29 GMT

Flight,I just read your post to my long carer/girlfriend and she asked if i had written it.... Glad to hear i'm not alone in my fears, feelings and frustrations. peace dano

Re: Returning to normal

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 03:18:32 GMT

Definitely not alone. That’s the beauty of this site… we come to realise that feelings can be discussed and shared without any qualms. I have known the fears, the frustration, the wondering... it does ease over time. And Yes, the experience of cancer initiates personal change..some good.. and some... not so good. Reindeer P.S. Great photo Dano

Re: Returning to normal

matsy — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 07:47:41 GMT

Thanks for all the posts. Sometimes I have conveniently forgotten that THAT "past" is still right here with us....riding the see-saw of what is convenient, what I prefer, lessons I have learnt, beauty fate has granted me.... thank you for the reminder to live in the present, and breathe, breathe

Re: Returning to normal

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:07:13 GMT

As you so accuratley said "Perhaps the experience of cancer heightens one’s awareness of change. I feel like my life is constantly changing.", this is so true and I feel the same. The emotional roller-coaster of change, whether it is for good or bad, we have to take it all because that is what LIFE is made of "change". It's forever changing and never ending! Going with the changes and not looking back is the best medicine around! If I took away the actual cancer itself, I would have to say that the changes that have happened in my life since being diagnosed, have served a strange purpose and opened my eyes and heart in a way that nothing else could have. I am glad that I have changed and that I am not the same person I was before. I am not as worried about the little mundane things in life, I have more time for my family and friends, I love each day to the full and I am taking allot more care of my body. I relate to so much of what you said. Your right on the ball. It's a comfort to know that others are feeling the same. Thank you for your post. MelH

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Gigi — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:25:10 GMT

Enjoy every moment! I've started my own blog www.gisellekapp@blogspot.com. I completely understand what everyone is going through. I'm mentally tougher than ever before and constantly changing in that I don't put up with the 'noise' that often surrounds us. I remember before I went in to have my right lung removed, my husband said to me as he gave me one memorable kiss "remember ... don't look down ... don't look back ... I'll see you in a few hours!". It is what it is .... and enjoy every moment. I don't think any of us are the same people as what we were pre diagnosis. Cancer changers your life! For me, the mere fact of letting people take care of me was a challenge. Cancer makes us ask ourselves "who are we, who are we meant to be, what are we meant to be doing" ..... this I believe is the point you are forced to meet yourself! Do you know who you are? gg

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Gigi — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:25:27 GMT

Re: Returning to normal

AmandaC — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:44:07 GMT

So true life really does change for ever, once we sift through the pain, anguish...loss of innoscence. We rebuild! my life now (4 years post cancer) is becoming just what I want it to be. I am not the person I was before, but I much prefer this version of me. I must say though I do find it hard to ignore those that appreciate nothing, our lives if you ask me become much fuller/richer post "C". We survivors know how precious each moment is and tend to make the most of everything. We can only look forward, returning to normal as such will not happen. Redefining our normal does happen and through this we open our hearts up to the world through new eyes. Amanda XX

Re: Returning to normal

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:49:57 GMT

I think that once you have had cancer, you never return to "normal" as you used to know it. In my case, that was a very good thing! My previous life was too stressful and full of wanting to make everyone else happy, with no appreciation for how much better it could be and how much happier I could be. I am definitely a much more courageous and positive person now than at any point in my life. I don't let the small things get to me (at least not too often!) and I have taken risks and made changes that I never would have dared to before. My life is SO much better now that I can understand why some people call cancer a "gift". It's true that cancer is both the worst thing and the best thing that could happen to you. It's the worst thing for all the obvious reasons, but it's the best thing when you really take a long hard look at life and make the changes that make you a happier/better person. None of us ever know how much time we have on this planet. Everyone should view their life in that manner. Think how much nicer the entire world could be! Love and best wishes to all my "fellow warriors"! Fight the good fight and then live a great life! KathyKate

Re: Returning to normal

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:50:14 GMT

Re: Returning to normal

sarah — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 00:09:47 GMT

Hi all, I'm new to the site, and for so very long wanted to connect with others that are survivors, or living (a "normal" life) with the illness still. There's so much to say...... On the up side, I'm a changed person from the experience. Changed in the sense that I am more myself than ever; I know clearly what my priorities are, and my focus is. On the downside, it's kinda lonely still and isolating too - I have difficulty connecting with others. Others that cannot understand the true existential crisis that having such an illness has brought, as not many people feel comfortable, or the need that I do to exploring this in any depth. My priorities and focus are different to most people now.. Thank for the post.

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:29:32 GMT

Hello Sarah 🙂 Yes cancer can be lonely. It is now over 12 years since I lost both breasts to cancer and, at the time I knew no one else who had had it. I did have the support of a very dear friend, but that was just about it. In fact I don't think there was the support back then that is here now and that has to be due to so many people making the effort to create places where we can meet others. I was even asked by a friend if it was catching! Since then he has had cancer himself and I think now has a better idea of how isolating it can be. I think we all find cancer is a life changing experience and that never leaves us. It gives us a depth of understanding that people who have never known illnesses that can prover terminal can possibly understand. The beauty of it is that we have grown wiser within ourselves are not so afraid of death or cancer and probably can handle crisis better than many other now. Stick around here and you will meet many people who have felt as you do and who will love to involve you. Good to see you here 🙂

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:30:12 GMT

Dear Sarah You comments ring so very true with me. Even "best friends" who were all concerned to start with have been conspicious by their absence from my life as my illness has dragged on. I feel the following saying is a truism that applies: "Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone". It is a lonely business and the existential issues cannot be discussed with anyone reallym they just think you are nuts. My doctor expressed surprise that I was "anxious" and even suggested referral for psychological help was appropriate. I pointed out to him the if I was happy and well adjusted while dealing with daily bloody diarrhoea and pain then I'd be reaching for a straight jacket myself. i.e. I consider anxiety a rational response. They just don't understand or want to. As for the much touted cancer support services hereabouts, they have also been conspicuous by their absence ever since I turned down further surgery (plastic bowel etc...). They'll never receive another donation from me. Once I decided not to follow the standardised treatment plans (more invasive surgery, more radiation and chemo etc...) I was persona non grata. It is a lonely time indeed. jimf

Re: Returning to normal

sarah — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 02:28:30 GMT

Hi Darkiescorner and jpfethe, omg - this is such a revelation to me. What you have both said has touch me deeply, I'm teary and really feel your words. I feel so close to you already.. Darkiescorner, what you say about thinking there was not the support back then that is here now, is very true. I really feel for you. You would have been quite young at the time of loosing your breasts, I can just imagine the emotional hardship and incredible trauma in struggling to come to terms with this shocking wound to your body. I really feel for you. Ditto to jpfethe, your words about the absence of the "much touted cancer support services", I couldn't find any support whatsoever, and I was exhausted -both times.. The first time, I was young, bald and delivering pizzas to keep a roof over my head. People assumed I was a lesbian, and I experienced quite a lot of bullying from the general public. There is so very much, and it almost has nothing to do with the treatment: it's often the reverberations to the rest of your life that are the most traumatic. Much, much to reflect on.........

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 02:48:34 GMT

Isn't that extraordinary jimf, that you cannot honestly take a responsible stand about your own body without being exiled. Yes of course you might have decided to let the cancer run its course, and why not? You know what you are doing and your decision is perfectly acceptable. You don't HAVE to follow their advice. Of course, you have taken the power to dominate your life out of their hands - so of course they 'wash their hands of you.' Of course you could do that 'awful thing' and die! Well what's so wrong with that? Who wants to keep going with cancer when you get to a certain point and begin to think that your life is totally taken over by the condition and nothing has any value. Why are people so afraid? I remember my surgeon saying to me "Well of course you will be feeling depressed, you have just faced dying." HUH? Well I didn't bother telling him, but it wasn't the first time, and no doubt won't be the last. Well you really are not on your own, and coming here, as you do, you will find people who understand you and your decisions without question. I had a very dear friend who was terminally ill after she was infected with internal Golden Staph in her lower spine when having a knee operation. There was no treatment other than ongoing antibiotics that the Staph keeps overcoming and, while at first her six children paid her some attention, as time went on, she was ill for ten years, they believed she was 'attention seeking'. No one realises one can be ill for years, it can take years for a condition like Golden Staph or cancer to finally kill, but people don't want to know, they think you are 'making a fuss over nothing'. There is no accounting for the human race 😞

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 02:57:26 GMT

I was in my 50s actually Sarah, but really it doesn't matter when you get cancer it has the same affect on us all, I am sure. Losing my breasts was traumatic and it took time to find clothes I felt I could wear without being self-conscious, and of course anyone who knew I had lost them couldn't help but want to stare, but at the same time they were trying not to. It got so silly I just made sure I talked about it and made it easier for them to feel less uncomfortable. I was offered the chance to have implants but felt uneasy about the idea in case my body chose to develop more cancer under the implants. At the time the doctors thought I was being silly, but only recently a friend of mine who has had cancer 5 times already discovered a lump under her implant. It was cancer and she had to have a very involved operation to remove it.!! Of course, in the end we come to terms with what our bodies throw at us. We realise that being svelt and beautiful isn't what life is all about. It's about surviving the best way we can or deciding to keep our dignity and allow things to take their own course and accept it. But then, I think one does have to have cancer or some other life threatening condition before we learn all this.

Re: Returning to normal

sarah — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 03:02:48 GMT

....."Attention seeking", gosh, just so tragic and simplistically primitive. Such ignorance and lack of empathy. This being a statement of neutral observation. The raw truth is extraordinarily exacerbating.

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 03:13:36 GMT

Yes, I do feel the human race has a lot to learn, and they are not going to learn it easily. I think we can count ourselves lucky we do understand about illness, loneliness and the 'anxiety' that jimf mentioned... I remember my friend saying just shortly before she died "I feel so lonely". of course I was there as her Carer, but I certainly knew how she felt because I too, was lonely. As I said to her, "I wish I could be on your road and take the loneliness away, but I can't any more than you can take away my loneliness" - waiting for a dear friend to die is such a lonely experience - as lonely as her's was dying. I tell you something - I will never fear cancer ever again or death!

Re: Returning to normal

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 07:05:25 GMT

Thank you all very very much for the supportive answers.... they are more useful answers than I have received from my oncologist or GP that's for sure. Hey... you people do actually understand! I'm not afraid of death but am afraid of the process of dying and particularly if decisions are taken out of my control. Because I have taken control of decisions (as allowed by local law here) my doctor, whom I have to see weekly, will not even look me in the eye. He has actually stated quite bluntly that he considers my rejection of further surgery etc... morally wrong not to accept all the interventions they offer. Well having swotted up the treatment stats myself I know I'll gain only 8% better chance of survival if I have "the works" (and end up very sick and quite disabled as a consequence). As I have a background of 15yrs as a medical scientist I know the crap that is being peddled and it has more to do with medico-legal butt-covering than what's best for me. I strongly suggest you all do your own research (if you can) before accepting blindly the "commonly accepted" treatment protocols. Best wishes to you all and thanks again for letting me know I'm not the only one at odds with the "system". Sarah, I understand well your experience of "soldiering on" e.g. delivering pizzas when you are sick and just coping. You are brave. jimf