topic Re: Depression in Living with and beyond cancer

Depression

Richard1 — Mon, 23 Mar 2026 20:43:18 GMT

After my cancer and chemo I’ve found life is not as easy as it was. I keep feeling depressed and anxious and very tired. Constant bills and maintenance and obligations that keep coming feel like bricks being loaded onto my shoulders, I used to be able to shrug them of, now the weight just keeps piling on. I know it’s my responsibility as an adult to bear that weight, I just wish it could be easier.

Re: Depression

Susana_CCNSW — Tue, 24 Mar 2026 03:58:14 GMT

Hi Richard,

Thank you for your post

I am very sorry to hear how much life has changed for you, despite your cancer diagnosis you still have to make ends meet. It is a lot you have to deal with every day and finding ways to cope with all even more difficult.

Thanks for reaching out, if you would like to talk to a professional for support, please call our support and information line on 13 11 20 Mon to Fri, between 9am to 5pm.

Hopefully there is a service suitable for your needs

Warm regards

Susana

Cancer Council

Online Community

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Tue, 24 Mar 2026 19:58:26 GMT

Thanks. Good days and bad days. It’s a constant struggle. I try to be happy but it’s fake, nothing brings me joy anymore. It is what it is I guess, this is life now. Just a nobody trying to survive. Not caring about anything does feel liberating. But I do miss being happy.

Re: Depression

Miranda_ccnsw — Wed, 25 Mar 2026 00:06:57 GMT

Hi @Richard1

Be gentle with yourself, you've been through a lot in the past months. Diagnosis, surgery and treatment is lifechanging. Both your body and mind will take time to adjust and respond to everything you've been through. Take things a day at a time and lean on the strength you found during treatment. You're not alone in feeling the weight of bills and life stuff. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? Seeking support to talk through things can be really helpful at all stages of the journey.

For others out there who may have felt something similar, what have you found helped you to cope?

Stay strong,

Miranda

CCNSW

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Wed, 25 Mar 2026 20:28:47 GMT

I started anti depressant tablets, they don’t do anything. I’m trying to exercise more and eat healthy. I know I’ll get through it, just being in that mindset now sucks. Thank you for your support. I will not give up…

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 21:17:27 GMT

I’m really struggling with life. Having no motivation and energy all the time is eating away who I used to be. It’s Sunday morning, tried to sleep in, but my body clock won’t let me. Im in so much pain, back, knees, shoulders, wrists. Everything hurts, I tried to play with the kids yesterday, and all I remember is being a grumpy bastard. It’s no fair on them. And the next day I promise myself I’ll do better, but I keep falling into that same trap. When they grow up all they’ll remember is me being not happy. I can’t see it getting any easier, every week I feel less strong, more tired. Fuck me. I’m a man, I should be strong not matter what. First thing when I woke up I had a little cry. What the fuck is that about? Men don’t cry! It just came out, I had no control over it. Well whatever. I’m going to have a shower, look over my dogs grave, let my other dog outside, then crawl back into bed and read. No wonder I’m going crazy, I have no hobbies, no friends, no life. Work, sleep, rest, work, sleep, rest… almost 30 years doing the same thing over and over again. It’s my own fault, I played it safe, didn’t take risks and now I’m a grump, unhappy, tired, broken human. My best years are behind me, I’ll never know success, happiness, love, freedom.

Suck it up princess and be a man. Life is pain, dying is easy.

Re: Depression

Miranda_ccnsw — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 03:17:55 GMT

Hi @Richard1

I can hear the struggle you're having with life after treatment. Reconciling how life is now vs what it could have been for you can be really hard as you try to find a new version of normal when so much has changed.

You've always leaned into processing what's going on for you by sharing here in the community which is a great way to help you cope better with all the ups and downs you're facing - keep sharing. I'm sure the realness of your shared journey will continue help others as well as yourself.

You've mentioned antidepressants not working - here are a few resources that you may not have seen already that may help understand them better. I'd also encourage you to talk to your GP about your medication as finding what will work for you can take a while as you try different options.

Beyond Blue - Treatments for Depression

Beyond Blue - Antidepressant Medication

And lastly, there are some great resources on survivorship here that may be of help - there are webinars you may wish to have a look at.

Stay strong,

Miranda

CCNSW

Re: Depression

iamtommy — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 06:42:05 GMT

Hi @Richard1,

It's tough reading what you're going through because I've also been there.

Being upfront, I'm browsing these forums because I'm also looking for help - so I don't come to you with a solution, but I do want to share my experience with you with a hope that it might be helpful.

I was diagnosed with high-grade Glioblastoma in 2020. I was given less than 2 years to live by Charlie Teo who wanted to dig into my brain to remove the cancer, while pocketing a large sum of money. As you can imagine, this news devastated me and my wife at the time, but lucky I had 2nd and 3rd opinions who disagreed with him.

I'm glad I refused and six years on, I am lucky and very very grateful that I live a relatively normal life.

But I do recall that immediately after the treatment of radiation and chemo, my life was exactly as you described it. Feeling "hung over" 24/7. Lack of motivation to want to do anything. Difficulty sleeping. Constant fatigue. Loss of ability to have complex thoughts, or it's very tiring to think.

Exercise helps for a fraction of a moment but it's so difficult to begin and the effect was short lived.

What did help me significantly was to do acupuncture. It might depend on who you do it with, but I found someone that was fantastic. A 1 hour acupuncture helped alleviate the fatigue for 2-3 days. I discovered it 6 months into the treatment.

It's also tough to hear that you don't have something to live for. For me, I have two young children and they are literally the reason I continue the battle.

I can't imagine it being easy to find something to live for if you feel like you don't have one now. It sounds futile for me to urge you to find a reason, but I will anyway.

I really hope you can find something to live for.

The battle you're experiencing does get easier. I speak from experience.

First year is hard but it does get better.

If you want to hear about why I'm perusing these forums, just ask. But I don't want to dump this information on you because I know first hand you're going through a period where you don't have a reason to care about other people's issues - and it's absolutely not a fault on your part. I completely understand.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 20:20:10 GMT

If I could just get over the physical pain and lack of energy I know the clouds in my head will clear. Your right about the exercise, it’s a temporary fix, cold showers help. Everyone around me has moved on but I feel like I’m still trapped in the cancer whirlwind. Am I just being a bitch, moaning all the time. At work it’s like it never happened, and they expect me to be 100 percent efficient which is impossible, I can barely get out of bed in the morning and when I get home from work I crawl on the floor in pain. I just don’t know anymore. But I am still fighting, I still get out of bed, go to work, take care of things. The old me won’t give up. When it gets to much I find a quiet spot by myself and raise my middle fingers in the air and scream fuck off. That’s my therapy for the day, it helps.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 20:32:50 GMT

Thanks Miranda, I’ve tried antidepressants, talking to doctors, cancer caregivers ect. None of those things work, my brain is hard wired to be independent so it’s hard relying on others for help. I will get through this, sharing my story and daily struggles help. I guess I’ve not had a proper break from it all. 2 and half weeks after my surgery I was back at work, Looking back that was stupid. The doctor told to have 3 months rest, again that’s my old self being stubborn. Same with chemo, worked non stop throughout it all. I must be burnt out, it’s hard to stop my old ways, 29 years of solid work has made me a robot. Again I will keep moving forward, although I feel like I’m falling behind.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Sat, 04 Apr 2026 23:53:01 GMT

So, Sunday morning. The sun is out and today is okay. Went for a long casual walk to clear my head and it worked. Still feel tired and sore but better. Almost feel like the old me, almost. I just need to capitalise on the good days, know that their is some hope and relief after all this chaos. I’m reading more, about 2 books a week, less video games and tv. Cleaning more and preparing for my day/week. Throwing away unwanted stuff I no longer use, it feels great to do so. Stuff I own tends to own me. I’m just ranting, emptying my head of unwanted information, that helps too. I try not to rush when going about my day, slow steady pace wins the race and letting go of things that are out of my control, which is hard, but I’m trying and learning. It’s okay to be lost, scared, angry. anxious. It means I’m alive, the cancer didn’t kill me and I get to see another day.

Your a long time dead, so make the best of a bad situation my fellow warriors.

I am proud of everyone of you.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Wed, 08 Apr 2026 21:33:13 GMT

Trying to stay positive when your whole world is falling down is not easy. What do you do when life breaks you? Good days, bad days. I just want to let go of the fear and anxiety that builds up inside me the moment I wake up. I know it’s my problem, effecting my energy and mental state. I get glimpses of the old me during the day, it last for 30 seconds, than vanishes. Why does life’s challenges fuck me up so much now, I used to be able to face all obstacles with no fear and no regret. I’m just scared all the time. I hate bills, I hate money, I hate working, I hate cancer. Why is it that some people live perfect beautiful lifes, born into wealth, good looks, good health no problems and other have to struggle for ever? It’s not fair. I want to be free of everything, sleep is my only escape.

Well, that’s my rant for the day, of to work I go. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow…

Re: Depression

iamtommy — Wed, 08 Apr 2026 21:52:13 GMT

Great to hear you are trying to stay positive.

It's an unfair battle for sure. And ur at a disadvantage with everything u do - having a 'normal' conversation with my colleagues is a daily challenge because I have to try really hard to remember the little details of their lives.

Remembering to do this and buy that, is hard when ur very forgetful.

100% agree with you that sleeping is nice, I was always sneaking in naps throughout the day when I first finished my treatment.

Tidying up sounds good, have you tried tidying up ur photos? I remember going thru and sorting my photos, a surprisingly pleasant experience

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 21:25:53 GMT

All the daily jobs seem kinda pointless after cancer. Irrelevant and meaningless, I keep things tide out of habit rather than wanting. It is a good distraction. I don’t take many photos, never really have. I just wish I could get that spark of life back, not be afraid and fragile. Maybe I’m just over thinking, need to suck it up and be a man. Everybody else around me is moving forward, laughing, having good times and making great memories, and I’m just that anti social loser who had cancer, a passing comment in their easy conversation. Trying to maintain a conversation with some one is difficult, especially when your so tired and can’t shut of the noise in your head, what comes out of my mouth doesn’t match what my mind is thinking. The cancer has put a big spotlight on how horrible my life is, I need to change, but I don’t know how, and I’m afraid to do do so.

Re: Depression

iamtommy — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 23:23:11 GMT

Everything you described is the reason why I was looking through these forums. The feeling of inadequacy, not being at the level we were once at.

And the thinking, or over thinking that others are judging and looking down on me.

Im looking for councelling to help me re evaluate my new reality.

I did have to reconfigure my personal, internal expectations which was hard. To not aim for more successful roles or jobs. To forego the more difficult challenges that would have given me more credibility in my professional life.

To accept that I would just get through and do my job as best I can.

I'm still tempted by the lure of professional progression but finding it easier when I convince myself that a person in my situation isnt expected to have such high expectations etc.

It helps.

It also helps when I convince myself that others might talk about their goals and aspirations, but they dont usually meet them.

Everyone else is not as successful as they make it out to be.

That I am ok with feeling the FOMO, coz I'm not actually missing out.

And even if I was missing out, so what? Whats the point of the rat race?

Humans simply live a life they have, and is there even a point to it?

Not really... the way I see it, it doesnt matter if someone lives or dies. Of the billions of lives on this planet, it doesnt really matter in a literal sense.

But we are here. We have this life.

As scientifically miraculous as it was that we were conceived, we have this life.

And cancer could have taken it away from us. A car driving past could have killed us. But we were spared that, and cancer was a warning we received and now we have this second life.

I dont owe an explanation to anyone and I dont need to care about what my colleagues might say behind my back (which i over think they might be, but probably arent).

Im just living the life i already have and trying to get some joy out of it. Doing things that truly bring me joy, even if its wasteful or useless or needless or selfish. As long as it's not hurting anyone else.

My past expectations dont matter though Im always tempted to think about it.

This thinking has helped me get through the past few years.

Now im seeking councelling to help me continue with another new me.

Im certainly not qualified to give you any advice, but I will urge you to try to reconfigure your expectations because its not realistic or fair on you to have those. You are a new person with new challenges and you shouldnt be expected to have the same expectations as you did before.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 22:13:21 GMT

It’s not easy trying to escape the old me. I want to, desperately. How do you change when all you feel is pain, mentally and physically, so tired all the time it’s makes me cry. Life is very short, I should be happy I’m still here, living in the bonus round. But for months now all I feel is scared, lost, vulnerable. Like something really bad is going to happen, it’s effecting ever part of me. I wish I had a hobby I could lose myself in, but I’m afraid to enjoy life because my mind and body are on high alert mode, I can only relax when everything is okay, and nothing is okay. I want to quit my job, I want to live where the sun shines, I want to relax in front of a crystal clear beach, feel the warm sand through my toes. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. How do you create happiness? It all just seems fake. Sometimes I wish the cancer ended me, it’s a stupid thing to say, but my life is horrible. Something in my head is malfunctioning, antidepressant don’t help, counselling doesn’t help, exercising eating healthy socialising are distractions, and nothing more. I’m afraid to look to deeply within myself and afraid not to. Conflicted. I will figure this out, somehow, I have to. I’ve gotten to far in life just to give up. Sorry about all the nonsense, it helps some to get these thoughts of my chest. Sunday morning, not much sleep, cold rainy day. And time keeps ticking by…

Re: Depression

iamtommy — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 01:01:12 GMT

You're absolutely right. We don't normally think about it that way, but when I think about it, happiness does seem fabricated.

Theres no instruction on happiness is there? For me, I was lucky that I have my kids, thats automatic. A given. Just seeing them grow and develop their own personalities simply gives me joy. Its really a blessing I've had.

I also have games to immerse myself in. Technically its a waste of time but I justify it by thinking other people who binge watch things aren't exactly more productive either.

It's gotten me by the hardest times until I regained enough energy to do more.

The scared and vulnerable feeling I have hasnt gone away. Its annoying. Things that would normally be a manageable anxiety is multiplied ten times and I can feel my hands shaking.

Public speaking was a manageable fear, but it scares the shit out of me now that I know I just need to avoid coz I'll embarrass myself, but i still do it.

It really is annoying, but it is me as I am now and I dont have a choice but to accept and work around it.

I also totally agree with what you say about not having to work. Its really hard to build up the motivation to work. Lucky for me, my manager allwed me to take 9 months off, then over a 12 month transtion, do 2 days a week. Then 3 days. 4 days. Then full time.

Even now if it wasnt for my kids, it would be hard for me to have motivation to go on. To work.

Have you been to the beach? To do the things you mentioned? If not... why not?

You might not be able to leave everything behind and stay on the beach but at least you can treat yourself to enjoy that?

I think you've earned that. I've earned that.

Even if we hadn't earned that, this is not something you need to earn right? I hope nothing is stopping you from being able to do that?

Also, are you dealing with any critical pains or disablement from this that you didnt have before? Besides the fatigue etc?

Coz its understandable that would hold you back from doing what you wanted.

Otherwise, you really do have the right to do what you believe would be joyful.

It helps me too, to talk about it. Even just to write a post in a forum like this. My friends ask and we talk about things, but its hard for me to dive really deep into things without feeling selfish about it.

So this is a good way for me to find some release of my bothers. If this helps you in any little way, it has helped me too.

Feel free to continue sharing your experiences coz it has helped me to find validation and confirmation that I'm not alone.

I do acknowledge that I am grateful that I have a reason to live for. And that I've been given this extension. I hope you can find a reason for you to continue too. It doesnt have to be big or major.

You are under no obligation to find a major reason to live. But just something you enjoy. Something you like to do. Even if that something seems selfish, I think you deserve to do it, to enjoy it.

I've yet to start councelling sessions but I'm hoping that will also help me balance my thinking to be able to deal with the new me.

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 21:16:42 GMT

Monday morning and still so very tired. Slept all day yesterday and have no motivation today. On my second cup of coffee, it helps but not really. I’ll go to work today and do my best, than come home, have a shower, eat dinner, play with my dog then go to bed early. It’s all I have left to offer this world. I just want this to be all over. I want and need to be happy. I’ve become that grumpy sad looking old man, I get the shakes and cry in the dark where nobody can see me. When I went to bed last night I dreamed about not waking up, and that gave me hope. When I woke up I was sad and had a little cry. How fucked up is that. I just want somebody to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I don’t have a partner or any friends, which was okay before I got sick, but now I just want someone to look after me. I don’t know what to do, my body and mind are failing, the old me is trying hard to break through and losing. It will be okay, it has to be, doesn’t it…

Re: Depression

Miranda_ccnsw — Mon, 13 Apr 2026 00:26:45 GMT

Hi @iamtommy

It's so wonderful to see the support you are giving and receiving here in the community. In particular, with the realness and rawness of the conversation you're having with @Richard1 . I'm sure that many others will gain hugely from your conversation also. I just wanted to jump in and let you know that you may find the Cancer Council Counselling service a suitable option for you as you mentioned you were looking for counselling. Just give 13 11 20 a call and they'll be able to talk you through any questions you may have.

All the best,

Miranda

CCNSW

Re: Depression

Richard1 — Mon, 13 Apr 2026 21:32:11 GMT

So, another day. Went to bed early, actually got to sleep very quickly but then woke up 130am wide awake, worried and scared, usual stuff. So I just stayed in bed, closed my eyes until 430 then got up. Another horrible night with little sleep. I’ve got no energy, my mind can’t handle simple mundane tasks like making breakfast and the day hasn’t even started yet. When is this going to end. I’m still going to drag my sorry self to work and get it done. I broke down last night talking to my dad, told him Im just keeping it together. I was crying when I got out of bed, my legs feel so heavy, my mind is foggy, my shoulders feel crushed. Fuck me.

Its going to be okay, my boss is passive aggressive all the time, work mates annoy me all the time, driving to work sucks, driving home scares me. I have no sanctuary any more, home used to be safe, now I just feel lost when home. Maybe I won’t wake up tomorrow, why do I have to think like that. If there is a god, please save me… I will not give up, no matter how hard it gets.