https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1902#M582 I think the main thing I discovered is that having cancer has changed me. I am so grateful for the support of my partner, family and close friends but am determined not to be hurt by the lack of communication/interest from others I would normally have expected more from. Life's too short so I focus on those that are genuinely interested in how I'm doing and who really want to hear whether I've had a good or a bad day, but, equally I sometimes find myself having to force them to tell me about their day or what's going on with them. I was so upset when my lovely step-daughter called, in tears, to say she'd been having a bad time at home with her husband but felt she couldn't tell me as "I had enough on my plate". This is when it hits me most, that the dynamic of my relationships has changed. I may have changed in some respects but I still want to be there for others too. My life is not just about cancer and I can't allow it to take over. Basically, what I'm saying is that it's a 2 way street. My partner, family and close friends are there for me but in order for our relationships to survive, I aim to be there for them when I can too. Wed, 04 May 2011 08:44:57 GMT smiler 2011-05-04T08:44:57Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1819#M499 Hey everyone, I know this is an issue for a lot of cancer survivors and it sure is for me, so I thought I'd open up a discussion on it. Basically, I feel like most of my family and friends dumped me through the cancer process and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I haven't spoken to half of them since I was in treatment 18 months ago, or before then, and I'm sure that some of them don't even know if I came through ok or not. Obviously my family know, but I still haven't spoken to a lot of them about it. I now feel really uncomfortable around the people that distanced themselves when I was sick. There's a massive white elephant in the room when they're around and I feel like I didn't put it there (and that I shouldn't have to deal with it). When I first got through treatment and got the all clear I was so excited to be healthy again that it didn't affect me. After a few months I got angry about it and recently I realised that I don't think I could stand to be around most of those people now anyway. My life is moving on and they all seem to be stuck in a world that revolves around material things and superficial relationships. Its sad though, to realise that I was part of all that once too and that it all means nothing at the end of the day. But I'd still rather have that realisation than not! Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:40:00 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1819#M499 stevec 2009-07-07T12:40:00Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1820#M500 Hi Steve, wow, you have hit the nail right on the head with this, I really believe no one knows what you go through and especially when your sick all the time,I know ive lost all but 3 friends cause i cant go to pubs and am too tired to spend the whole day out, id rather sleep to try and keep my levels up, My family{not my husband or kids} have no idea as they treat me like some poor little sick kid and they sympathy is pathetic, I have told them a million times, i dont need or want sympathy, i would like some help, but that for them is too hard so we try the best we can ourselves at times. I am also finding out lately that i am starting to not want to be near people who are self absorbed, when i got diaganosed my sister told everyone i was doing this to hurt her, i didnt realise people actually wanted cancer???? i surely didnt, and when i had my first operation she called me an idiot and that god would take care of me, i no longer speak or see her and im much happier. I do get angry sometimes at what i feel like ive lost but relationship with my husband and kids is stronger than ever as they see first hand how sick i get,I appreciate their support more than anything else..... Take care, Sham Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:58:08 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1820#M500 2009-07-07T13:58:08Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1821#M501 Wierd replying to you Steve seeing as you know my circumstances, but I really think you hit the nail on the head. Given for us your cancer was our 2nd round of going through the loss of family not caring and firends being to self absorbed. I am glad you have written about it to open up the lines for others to speak about their disappointments. Sham we to had no support I was barely able to stay awake and had to look after a 4 month old, I tell you now my 2nd son is the same age and I can't believe I made it through that period without help. It makes me so mad that people treat us as if we have been bad and thats why we have had cancer...my mum apparently cried to everyone about how awful it was but didn't even see me or my son. Just thinking baout it makes me mad all over again... Anyway, I am sure we have all experienced this to some degree. Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:04:13 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1821#M501 AmandaC 2009-07-08T04:04:13Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1822#M502 Steve and Sham It's amazing how things work on this site. Only yesterday I wrote and posted an item in the Survivors Group section. It's called The Strangest Thing and it is about the change in family relationships that I observed during my treatment. As I only wrote it yesterday I am pleased the discussion has started today. I can relate closely to what each of you has to say, but I do feel I have been a bit more fortunate. It's amazing how some people choose to hide their fear, isn't it. Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:05:08 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1822#M502 harker 2009-07-08T04:05:08Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1823#M503 I had similar issues. Actually some people ACTUALLY came and 'paid their last respects' ( nothing actually said )and few did distance them selves and apologized later explaining it was too close to them. I spent a lot of time using humor with all my friends. I started up a email list to keep everybody in the loop as well. What was worse was the effect it had on my direct family, worry etc etc but as much as I would love to, there was no escape You are right though, you do get see friends in a different way with their reactions, although I have actually made friends through cancer ! Dunedigger Wed, 08 Jul 2009 08:11:24 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1823#M503 dunedigger 2009-07-08T08:11:24Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1824#M504 Hi there, I can relate to everything that's been said already. I had bladder cancer and now have a urostomy instead of a bladder. I know it's not polite to talk about toileting habits but most ostomates need to talk to someone as it's so different, at least at the start. Our families with the exception of my parents and one sister, barely visited me during the two weeks that I was in hospital. And some certainly have not checked on me since. We saw them at Christmas and a couple of family dos and they really seem to want life for me to go on as it was before. Well as you all know that's never going to happen. My friends have been more supportive than family, with the exceptiion of my parents who ring me every day. I participate in online chatrooms for ostomates, which are wonderful. This website is also excellent in helping me in many ways. Julie Wed, 08 Jul 2009 09:40:58 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1824#M504 JulieLV 2009-07-08T09:40:58Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1825#M505 Hi Steve Here is something I wrote last year on this theme: When you listen to the stories of those affected by cancer this is a very common theme. Yes along the way you meet some amazing people, you interact with wounded storytellers and wounded healers and you make new friends, but that still does remove the sense of abandonment that you feel. But why is it that companions shun us, that we feel abandoned by friends and family? The Sydney Cancer Surgeon, Myles Little, who several years ago did a huge amount of work with long term survivors of cancer suggests that it is because we are confronting mortality and others find this uncomfortable. It could also be the reaction that a friend suggested to me when she felt that one of her best friends was shunning her because if “it happened me it could happened to her”. And sometimes we are uncomfortable to be with - if you are not feeling well or you have had a hell of a week, it is hard to engage in the normal social chit-chat. To have the ritual greeting “How are you” and the response “I’m fine” seems a bit hollow. And of course we often look well - as one chemotherapy nurse said to me “we are awfully good at making patients look well”. And then there is the effect on our families and loved ones and we worry about them. But sometimes the discomfort is with our friends - the honest ones will say - ‘look I find it uncomfortable being with you, I do not know what to say’. Well we are uncomfortable being with ourselves sometimes, and you don’t actually have to say anything. Sometime ago there was one person who I have known for a long time - whenever they saw me they always grabbed my hand and held it - sometimes they didn’t say anything, sometimes they just asked how the last week had been. There is a wonderful quote that I found in the novel “The Sixth Lamenation” by William Brodrick - He has the Abbott of a monastery talking to a younger monk “We have to be candles, burning between hope and despair, faith and doubt, life and death, all the opposites. That is the disquieting place where people must always find us” Sailor But the sea is a mighty soul, forever moaning of some great, unshareable sorrow, which shuts it up into itself for all eternity. Lucy Laud Montgomery Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:51:20 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1825#M505 Sailor 2009-07-08T22:51:20Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1826#M506 hi everyone i'm 3yrs past a 6wk death sentence. why is everyone stressing about the minority of amazing people you wil now meet???We are legends,we have done what a lot of people can't imagine.Don't let negative people take away what you have achieved Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:00:10 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1826#M506 margro 2009-07-10T12:00:10Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1827#M507 Hi This is my first time writing on the site. Steve sometimes I found that people just didn't and still don't know what to say..I normally hear comments like How can you keep on smiling and be happy..people just don't understand how we feel most of the time and that everyday can be a challenge. I have some friends that will always be there for me and some friends that keep the distance too...I go on trying to do the best in living my life after cancer and take nothing for granted... Sun, 12 Jul 2009 07:39:31 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1827#M507 Luisa_Coyle 2009-07-12T07:39:31Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1828#M508 I just joined this site after googling about losing friends once you have had cancer. I think that my best friend no longer wants to be friends since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2009. I have successfully gone through surgery and radiation and am now on Tamoxifen and monthly injections to stop the estrogen from being produced. I have sailed through this whole thing really well, only missing one week from work after my surgery. My friend was there with the initial appointment with the surgeon but then fell off the radar map. I have tried to maintain the friendship but she has not responded very much to my e-mails or phone calls and I can't believe that this is happening. I never thought she was someone who would react this way and we have been through so much over the years. We are not kids. I just turned 50 last week and she is 45. I did not even get a "Happy Birthday" on my birthday and she e-mailed me a few days before to "reschedule" plans to go out and celebrate. I am sad and disappointed in her all at the same time. This hurts even more than the cancer treatments. I know I am a strong person and I will go on, but it's hard to lose your best friend at this stage in the game. I'd love to hear from others who have been through a similar experience and hear how you coped with it. Thanks so much! Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:38:17 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1828#M508 2009-07-17T02:38:17Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1829#M509 wow I can't believe this came up from a google search! maybe I should watch what I say - nah, stuff that. This is one place people should feel free to speak their minds and be honest. Thanks for your replies everyone, I know this is a big issue for a lot of cancer survivors. KathyKate - perhaps as Sailor says, your friend can't stand seeing what's happening to you because she's scared to death of confronting it herself... or perhaps she's just someone thats not worth knowing anymore (I've had a few of those people in my life too). Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:28:17 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1829#M509 stevec 2009-07-17T04:28:17Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1830#M510 I like the idea of seeing friends as the people I can be honest with. If there's someone whom I am not being honest with, then that person can't really be my friend. There's no blame or fault about seeing it like that. It leaves it up to each individual to do their part. If someone has hurt you and you can't get to them to say so (which is more often than not the case) then that person is simply not your friend. You can't be honest with that person. Try not to blame or feel guilt. They are missing out on your honesty. I think that's what stevec is saying. Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:43:27 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1830#M510 harker 2009-07-17T04:43:27Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1831#M511 Hi Steve, As far as friends are concerened, Andy and I had a better experience. The love and support from our friends and community is the only positive to come out of this disease for my family. We've been tightly embraced by most although there have been a few disappearences! But I need to mention a funny quote that my oldest and dearest friend (not anymore!)had said to me after calling to see how Andy did after an important oncology appointment: "bad news! bad news! bad news!!! Everytime I call you, all you give me is bad news!I can't take it anymore!" WTF? Umm.....sorry... So, I see it that I'm quite fortunate to be shown who in my life has got my back in times of crisis. Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:51:18 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1831#M511 2009-07-19T13:51:18Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1832#M512 Hi Steve - new to this site, but very excited to get stuck in! I had no friends throughout treatment and I found the isolation unbearable at times, and to think I thought I was the only one going through the loneliness. That's why I've made it my mission to reach out to those going through treatment and let them know they are NOT alone! We have the most supportive group behind us. I have been absolutely amazed by the support other cancer warriors can give and now have a growing number of friends to help and be helped by. It started by joining a support group and has grown from there. I now have more friends than I did before (OK, maybe one less SISTER!), and not only that -- they are the quality kind of friends I want. Going through cancer has made us question all our priorities in life and is a HUGE learning curve. Some people can't keep up with all the personal growth we go through. It really is a spiritual awakening that maybe only we can truly appreciate and understand. I wish you love and support and hope we can keep connecting. LLx Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:54:06 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1832#M512 Loraleeb 2009-07-19T14:54:06Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1833#M513 Loralee I love your idea that its because people can't keep up with our personal growth...maybe your right. I wish I was at the stage you are at I am less Uncle, Aunt, Cousins, Mum...I really could go on and less quite a few friends. You give me hope that thinsg will change. thankyou Mon, 20 Jul 2009 04:06:14 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1833#M513 AmandaC 2009-07-20T04:06:14Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1834#M514 Hi guys, I am really fortunate in that my true friends have really beeen there for me. One strong group of very old friends has been amazing as there were 2 of us doing chemo together. We became "chemo buddies" and while he lived on the north Coast and I am in Sydney, we spent a lot of time on the phone talking as only we cancer people can. Unfortunately he died 2 months after I finished treatment and I felt very guilty - still do I guess. But in regard to friends, we had a breakfast with the 8 remaining of the group and after we had toasted Phil's life, one of our member turned to me and toasted that I was still there with them. It was possibly the most humbling moment (albeit brief) of the whole affair. Perhaps what cancer does is show us what and who are really important. Samex Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:32:56 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1834#M514 samex 2009-07-21T10:32:56Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1835#M515 hey steve, what a great seed for discussion you have planted for us all to get involved in. thanks for your honesty in sharing your story. i agree that it is a common occurrence for many of us cancer survivors... - trying to work out who the heck our true 'friends are after cancer'. some disappoint you, some help you, some blow you away through generosity and understanding, some pitty you, some ignore you, others surprise you... if there is one things i have worked out in life through cancer.... it is that nothing remains constant... likewise FRIENDSHIPS will always change, disappear, evolve etc. Cancer just makes them more so! Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:56:49 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1835#M515 Nikki_YAC 2009-07-21T10:56:49Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1836#M516 hi all.does anyone else realise what we have done?we are survivors!i had pancreatic cancer and was told i had 6wks in2005...i'm getting married next week,but,i keep forgetting...i am a survivor please don't worry about people who,i think,worry that they may catch what we have,and appreciate the fact that we are still here!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Wed, 22 Jul 2009 09:56:21 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1836#M516 margro 2009-07-22T09:56:21Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1837#M517 Hi, I went through a similar situation but on a smaller scale. Some people just don't know how to react and to be honest I would probably have been the same, looking from the outside. You just have to accept this and lead by example in the future. When I think of all the wonderful people who did make a real effort to support me, I know I have to reach out to others when they need it. Here in the Illawarra, I have met some incredible people. So my advice to all is join a support group, get involved and be open about it. Be proud of the fight you putting in. My prayers, love and best wishes to all of you. Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:23:15 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1837#M517 Quijote 2009-08-20T12:23:15Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1838#M518 Nikki YAC, I think what you say is really important. Although I can understand people wanting to cut off non-supportive friends, allowing people to adjust to your situation is also important. We may have no choice but to face our illness, but some of our pals may need time to adjust. Having said that, I have had a few jaw-dropping excuses for not seeing me. (After I told one friend, who lives 10 minutes away from me that I'd just found out that my cancer had spread to my lungs she said "I'd really like to see you before I go away on holiday in two weeks, but I just won't have time") Sun, 23 Aug 2009 02:34:54 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Living-with-and-beyond-cancer/Had-cancer-got-no-friends/m-p/1838#M518 2009-08-23T02:34:54Z