https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9890#M1167 Hey Angelicyang. You sound so sad yet I can hear the love in your voice for your girlfriend. Leaving is not an option and loving someone means NOT leaving. Just be what you can be for her for as long as you can. Yes there is probably nothing you can do for her by sounds of it but I believe she knows you are there. I encourage you to find some counselling for yourself and maybe a support group, if you can, to help you through the time now. I admire your courage to stay with her as your family and friends seem to offer no help to either of you. Write again if you want. I am not a counsellor but I can feel your pain. Loving someone in good times and bad is what life is all about. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:12:54 GMT choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:12:54Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9886#M1163 My girlfriend has stage four brain cancer. Her prognosis is not good. And though we have only been in a relationship just over three months, she has been a good friend for over two years. My family is not around, as being gay kinda goes against their beliefs, and my friends think along the lines that if it is hard, I should just leave. I love my girlfriend and I would not change being with her for anything...but it does get hard. When I lie next to her, watching her breathe, just to make sure that she is still breathing. I get a phone call from an unknown number and I worry that it will be someone contacting me in regards to her being at the hospital. I watch her in pain, and even though she tries so hard to hide the pain she is in, when she gets back from chemo or radiation, she hurts...and there isn't anything that I can do to help. She passes out in my arms and wakes up not remembering who I am. It is hard. But it is worth it...I just need someone to talk to who understands what I am going through and doesn't tell me I am being stupid or claiming that I am being taken advantage of. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 05:52:01 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9886#M1163 2012-09-29T05:52:01Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9887#M1164 Hey Angelicyang. You sound so sad yet I can hear the love in your voice for your girlfriend. Leaving is not an option and loving someone means NOT leaving. JUst be what you can be for her for as long as you can. Yes there is probably nothing you can do for her by sounds of it but I believe she knows you are there. I encourage you to find some counselling for yourself and maybe a support group, if you can, to help you through the time now. I admire your courage to stay with her as your family and friends seem to offer no help to either of you. Write again if you want. I am not a counsellor but I can feel your pain. Loving someone in good times and bad is what life is all about. Hope for some good times. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:07:57 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9887#M1164 choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:07:57Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9888#M1165 Hey Angelicyang. You sound so sad yet I can hear the love in your voice for your girlfriend. Leaving is not an option and loving someone means NOT leaving. JUst be what you can be for her for as long as you can. Yes there is probably nothing you can do for her by sounds of it but I believe she knows you are there. I encourage you to find some counselling for yourself and maybe a support group, if you can, to help you through the time now. I admire your courage to stay with her as your family and friends seem to offer no help to either of you. Write again if you want. I am not a counsellor but I can feel your pain. Loving someone in good times and bad is what life is all about. Hope for some good times. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:08:38 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9888#M1165 choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:08:38Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9889#M1166 Hey Angelicyang. You sound so sad yet I can hear the love in your voice for your girlfriend. Leaving is not an option and loving someone means NOT leaving. JUst be what you can be for her for as long as you can. Yes there is probably nothing you can do for her by sounds of it but I believe she knows you are there. I encourage you to find some counselling for yourself and maybe a support group, if you can, to help you through the time now. I admire your courage to stay with her as your family and friends seem to offer no help to either of you. Write again if you want. I am not a counsellor but I can feel your pain. Loving someone in good times and bad is what life is all about. Hope for some good times. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:09:32 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9889#M1166 choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:09:32Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9890#M1167 Hey Angelicyang. You sound so sad yet I can hear the love in your voice for your girlfriend. Leaving is not an option and loving someone means NOT leaving. Just be what you can be for her for as long as you can. Yes there is probably nothing you can do for her by sounds of it but I believe she knows you are there. I encourage you to find some counselling for yourself and maybe a support group, if you can, to help you through the time now. I admire your courage to stay with her as your family and friends seem to offer no help to either of you. Write again if you want. I am not a counsellor but I can feel your pain. Loving someone in good times and bad is what life is all about. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:12:54 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9890#M1167 choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:12:54Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9891#M1168 sorry for all the posts. The site was very slow to send the message that is why there are so many of them. I could not get the message to send. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:26:22 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9891#M1168 choc2rule 2012-09-29T06:26:22Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9892#M1169 Hi Angelicyang, I too am gay and my partner of 18yrs has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years. These past months have seen her getting sicker and sicker, not able to keep food down. In and our of hospital. It is hard, damn hard. I don't think it matters how long you have been with a person, love is love. You will need alot of courage to help her and especially when you have to say goodbye. You need to understand, at this stage there is nothing to do but be there for her. I don't know how anyone could face this illness and death alone. You would do this for a friend, why not a girlfriend. In the end, when she is gone, you will be able to look at yourslf in the mirror and know you did the best you could and she had an angel by her side through the journey. Good luck, it is tough,ignore the others, do what you heart says. Sat, 29 Sep 2012 06:58:34 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9892#M1169 brickbt 2012-09-29T06:58:34Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9893#M1170 Hi angelicyang It sounds like you are being the best friend and lover that anyone could ask for and yes it will be hard for you, as it is for your girlfriend. I had the priviledge of being a support person to someone who I met while we were going through treatment and unfortunately she did not make it much beyond treatment. You have to do what feels right for you and that does not make you stupid at all!! Julie Sat, 29 Sep 2012 11:11:56 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9893#M1170 Jules2 2012-09-29T11:11:56Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9894#M1171 Hi angelicyang It sounds like you are being the best friend and lover that anyone could ask for and yes it will be hard for you, as it is for your girlfriend. I had the priviledge of being a support person to someone who I met while we were going through treatment and unfortunately she did not make it much beyond treatment. You have to do what feels right for you and that does not make you stupid at all!! Julie Sat, 29 Sep 2012 11:12:32 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9894#M1171 Jules2 2012-09-29T11:12:32Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9895#M1172 The GBM grade 4 brain tumour (I assume your partner has the same) journey with my partner Lorraine has been since January last year including operation, radio and then chemo therapies till 3-4 months ago when the chemo was not giving enough benefits as against the harm it does for the quality of life, and the time left Lorraine’s tumour is located over her communication/speech area and her speech has deteriorated mainly since January this year to mainly a babble. She has been unable to say any form of yes or no for the last 3-4 weeks Her communication, her mind wandered off if I asked a question 10 times there is no acknowledgement. Tiredness seeps through, walking issues developed, then some falls. Difficulty of getting to a toilet helping to get there then it progresses to cleaning her up at the toilet….some days she just does not make it, other days she is not aware of that she has shitted in her pants, in the bed or on the sitting chair, so be prepared for cleaning up. Dinners - slowly ended up having to feed her food, it became over 30 minutes to just feed her (get meals on wheels saves a lot of time away from her – need to stay close she would try to get up let the cat in, go to toilet on own….she would fall and not be able to move on the floor. Lorraine had a multiple seizure 6(?) weeks ago so to hospital for a week - new medications she can’t walk anymore. We live in a flattish area near lakes and ocean so easy wheelchair walks. 2 weeks ago she had a extreme bowel pains (thought it was bowels as best guess- she can’t communicate) to the hospital new drugs start of her pain phase. She is now on morphine which is progressively increased to manage pain as it increases. Our bed room is now like a chemist area being taken over with her medications and needles (that I use to administer booster shots for the morphine (thankfully only once I do not have a calm hand so my injection hurted her) Palliative care nurses inserted extra ‘ports’ for me to access with syringe a minus the needle), wipes, incontinence pants etc hospital bed, tables (did have commode chair, a toilet seat for extra height over the toilet). Got her home that afternoon from hospital - she shat 5 different times Changed her clean her up, change her bed washing…. a long day. Next morning another round, once only though So it looked like her bowel blockage was now OKish. A few days later she gets a cathode inserted so incontinence in bed so much easier no incontinence pants (also her food has dramatically reduced good for me – not for her) Now Lolly has entered her final stage. She is asleep/unconscious from the tumour and relief from the morphine , Dex etc. she has been in this comatose stage for 3 days with her death expected within hours – it was not expected to go this long, she seems resilient. She has developed pneumonia which has produced body secretions up through her mouth and nose - I have tried to best manage The doctors have since given her some other stuff to help clear the fluid and after 24 hours that has settled she had the gurgling sound in the throat when she breathed (I think its different from the death rattle that is often talked of) never the les that has been there for 36 hrs in different intensity that has now gone and she seems to breath fairly easily. She seems to be without any pain (including bed pain) comfortable and looks like there is nothing the matter with her. It’s a surreal journey I wake from a 1 hour sleep… has she died ? I have nano naps sometimes hallucinate where I am, my thoughts get tracked onto other issues- work or other things outside during the nano sleep. I hear Lorraine’s breath and it takes a few moments to bring my mind to where I am Its odd, and I think I am living in that other world things are more “normal” I am the link pin for Lorraine to the outside world and the outside world to her. Close friends family others al bring their stories their grief. These last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by my own grief each day a little more, then others want to talk and I get to regurgitate again. I have stopped outsiders access I cannot deal with the emotions and the small talk to get them through their uncomfortlessness about ‘anit it awful’ and their experiences of grief that surface---all supposed to be well meaning but it’s shallow and maybe for another time and place. Lorraine has taken me on my biggest ride of my life I have been blessed privileged to have been chosen by her It’s a highly challenging and rewarding experience that no oneelse will ever be able to show and experience with you (to the degree of intimacy with your partner Lorraine’s breathing is gaining softness her for coming death looks beautiful and peaceful I am so sad to see her go I will travel a new path without her with memories Her breathing is softer This is my story if you choose will travel not the same but something similar There are the palliative care nurses who are walking angles talk to them too find what back up is available in your area Hugs to all what ever decision you take Sat, 29 Sep 2012 12:22:55 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9895#M1172 storm 2012-09-29T12:22:55Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9896#M1173 Hey Angelicyang. My heart is breaking for you because there is absolutely nothing you can do to take it away. I too had the pain of caring and loving my husband of 30 odd years during his (and mine) battle with brain cancer.He was first diagnosed in 2004 so our battle was long and Hard. The do gooders of the world tell you that at least you have time to say goodbye - but let me tell you that does not make it any better. Its so hard to watch the vibrant person that you feel in love with become a shadow of themselves. The indignity of death and palative care is so hard to deal with, you pretend that it is nothing for the carer to wipe their backsides and feed them but they know. (Death its nothing like the movies is it) I was however lucky that my Mark did not suffer pain as that was one of my biggest fears for him. He took himself off his seizure meds as he didn't like the effect his illness was having on me or our boys. (He had been talking about death for a week or so before that so he knew it was coming) After he stopped all his meds (I think that was the last act of love on his behalf that he could give me) he became much clearer in his thought process but he knew he didn't have long. About a week later he had a seizure. After we got him up and into bed I asked him if he felt alright. He said he did'nt know how he felt. That was the last words he spoke to me. My world is shattered and I prefer to live in my dream world where i think to myself Nah that didn't happen. I do have moments of reality but I can't cope there. My best advice to you is do what makes you and your partner happy. AND BREATH!!! Its such a personal journey and no one can understand how you feel even if they have similar experiences. And as for the dumb f@#* of the world that ask you how things are but you know they really don't want to know the real answer should mind their own business. My love to you and your family but I know that won't make it better. But it is sent with the best of intentions as death from cancer is like an 1000 and 1 emotions and what else can you say but it is poo If i hear one more time things happen for a reason i will scream. What bloody reason???? Sun, 30 Sep 2012 14:28:10 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9896#M1173 kaz3161 2012-09-30T14:28:10Z https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9897#M1174 Angelicyang, every journey is different. I cared for my partner, Dennis, for 13 months and 3 weeks. He passed away 2 days ago after being diagnosed in early August 2011. I have to say it's not easy at times; but from what I heard from others, mine seems to be quite a pleasant one. You can read more from my blog here. Dennis could look after himself up until 21 September 2012 when he had started to be bed bound after a few falls in one week. I had him home for a few days while being bed bound until Monday 24 Sep. He spent his final 4-5 days in an inpatient palliative care. You can see that I didn't have to suffer looking after him very much at all. The hardest part of this is the emotional side of it. Feeling helpless, feel that I did the best I could but I can't kill the disease for him and now that he's gone I just feel so lonely. Sun, 30 Sep 2012 22:45:42 GMT https://onlinecommunity.cancercouncil.com.au/t5/Coping-with-a-loved-one-s-cancer/Need-someone-to-talk-to/m-p/9897#M1174 peanutz 2012-09-30T22:45:42Z