topic Re: how do you keep going ?? in Coping with a loved one's cancer

how do you keep going ??

garyowencat — Sun, 26 Oct 2014 08:21:33 GMT

Hi- this is my first time writing in a forum so here goes- I'm feeling so low tonight, I have just helped my dad who has terminal cancer force down some dinner, swallow his pain killers and tucked him up in bed. He never sleeps for long, either needing the toilet or heaving and sweating terribly. I am so tired but feel guilty for thinking of myself when what he is going through is so bad. I try to look on the bright side as often as possible and celebrate in the little daily successes we some times have such as finishing all of the custard and jelly he has in his bowl for dinner or when he is able to walk to the chicken coop to feed his beloved chickens. At least when he is sleeping he is at peace right? and when the tablets are working well he is pain free right? don't know how I will see this through with him - but I have to.

Re: how do you keep going ??

little_stitcher — Sun, 26 Oct 2014 10:10:05 GMT

Hi Garyowencat,I'm so sorry to hear what you and your Dad are going through. Your title asked "How do you keep going"- celebrating small daily successes is just the way you will keep going. Keep in touch with this forum, too. It's a great place to vent/share/encourage/ask/tell: we're all in similar situations (although noone is exactly the same), so we can all understand a bit about what everyone else is going through. Keep posting, we're all cheering you on. love Emily

Re: how do you keep going ??

m.portelli — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:08:43 GMT

I'm at the beginning of my Mums terminal cancer. Started to care for her and already feeling guilty for thinking the thoughts that pass through my mind. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But, I will because the alternative is unacceptable. I have 2 boys under 7 and they don't care what I've been doing whether its sitting on the chemo ward for 7 hours, listening to Mum being angry (often at me) because of the horrible unfair crap life has thrown at her or up all night because the steroid tablets are keeping Mum awake. I'm not at your end of this awful time and I know I need to celebrate each milestone but why can't we (the carers) be angry too. I'm sick of this fake smile and telling her its ok. Its not fair. I'm only existing until better days come. And they will, I just can't see thru the fog at the moment. But.... in saying this I wouldn't walk away from being my Mums carer either but it is very hard and not fair.

Re: how do you keep going ??

m.portelli — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:10:58 GMT

I'm at the beginning of my Mums terminal cancer (Mesothelioma - doctors have given her 8 - 12 months). I started to care for her and already feeling guilty for thinking the thoughts that pass through my mind. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how I'm going to do it. But, I will because the alternative is unacceptable. I have 2 boys under 7 and they don't care what I've been doing whether its sitting on the chemo ward for 7 hours, listening to Mum being angry (often at me) because of the horrible unfair situation that life has thrown at her or up all night because the steroid tablets are keeping her up. I'm not at your end of this awful time and I know I need to celebrate each win but why can't we (the carers) be angry too. I'm sick of this fake smile and telling her its ok. Its not fair. I'm only existing until better days come. And they will, I just can't see thru the fog at the moment. But.... in saying this I wouldn't walk away from being my Mums carer either but it is very hard and not fair.

Re: how do you keep going ??

m.portelli — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:11:17 GMT

Re: how do you keep going ??

m.portelli — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:11:26 GMT

Re: how do you keep going ??

m.portelli — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:17:00 GMT

I press save and the website crashes, so I do it again and again and then eventually I learn that it's saved it 4 times. Sorry for that and sorry for being so negative. It was a momentary lapse. Tomorrow will be a better day (if my kids let me sleep).

Re: how do you keep going ??

little_stitcher — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:33:23 GMT

Carers can be angry too, and this is the perfect place to express it. It's really hard being a carer, because you're often caring for the person you would normally vent to pre diagnosis. I have to admit that I sometimes vented to my husband while he was going through chemo- he ended up giving me as much support as I gave him- but I had no one else that had any idea what I was going through (I didn't find this forum until after he'd finished his chemo). But you can always vent here, and at any time of the day or night (that's the beauty of a web forum). Know that there are lots of people here who know that caring for someone with cancer is really hard and not fair. Sending a big encouraging hug that's just for you, Emily

Re: how do you keep going ??

little_stitcher — Wed, 29 Oct 2014 10:33:40 GMT

Re: how do you keep going ??

Chebz — Fri, 14 Nov 2014 09:49:03 GMT

I'm finding it really hard too. I look after dads medical side of things. He's terminal but had been responding really well to everything so far but then today our world crashed because the chemo isn't working. It's spread everywhere and there's only months now. I think we can keep going because we love them so much. We know if the situation were reversed they would care for us. I hope that sharing our roller coaster ride on here can help me keep going by reminding me that there are so many others going through similar circumstances. Hopefully we can keep one another stay strong through letting it out to people who get it

Re: how do you keep going ??

pmcpmc — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 23:21:21 GMT

Hi Garyowencat What feels like a lifetime ago now my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months. It had always just been he and I as I'm an only child and my mum had passed away when I was only 18 months old. 6 months turned into 7 years in the end before he passed of secondary breast cancers, not the initial pancreatic diagnosis. Caring for him as well as my own kids (single mum at the time) was one of the hardest experiences I think I will ever go through in my life. I've since survived an aggressive breast cancer diagnosis myself and I still look back on going through that with him as even more difficult than my own challenges. It is simply brutal at times and there are really no words to explain it in its full entirety. A lot of what everyone will tell you will probably not fix things for you however I will say that it is okay to feel the way you will at times. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. It is scary and it is such a roller coaster of emotions and experiences that in all honesty, no one really understands until they've walked that path themselves. Try not to feel guilty, you have to look after yourself through it all as well, as hard as that is. Being a few years on the otherside now, I can tell you that you will get through it but try as best you can to allow yourself to experience the feelings that result from the care you're giving. My dad eventually deteriorated very very quickly when the cancer spread to the lining of his brain. It went from him experiencing vertigo and nausea to no longer being with us. It was the most surreal three weeks of my life and I honestly thought I was losing the plot. I have no idea how I got through it but I guess I did and finally his suffering was over. I even still feel guilt about the emotions I experienced when I was caring for him over the seven years and particularly in those last weeks, yet I try to keep it in perspective and remember that it was just plain hard. I'm not sure this makes sense and I've rambled on a bit. Hang in there is such a blase phrase sometimes but its sometimes all we can do. xx

Re: how do you keep going ??

pmcpmc — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 23:21:29 GMT

Re: how do you keep going ??

pmcpmc — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 23:24:00 GMT

PS. Bravo for finding this forum and for expressing what you're going through. I can honestly say that it was one person's experiences on this site that got me through the last few weeks with dad. If I hadn't had posted on here it would have been a much scarier experience. Reaching out is difficult but big hugs to you for having done so! 🙂

Re: how do you keep going ??

pmcpmc — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 23:24:22 GMT

Re: how do you keep going ??

Chebz — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 06:25:00 GMT

My dad ended up losing his battle in December last year. We had 7 months from diagnosis until His passing but I truly believe he is in a better place now, no more pain. Knowing that others felt similar to me really helped me through both dads cancer battle and some of the grief afterwards. I feel for everyone out there supporting friends or family with cancer. It's hard, it's cruel and it really takes it out of you, but let your feelings out, share them with others, it does help. I'm still tied up with the administrative side of things, there's so much to be taken care of that we weren't told about. Don't forget to enjoy their company. I stressed too much about dads health that I don't think we spent much quality time together.

Re: how do you keep going ??

Chebz — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 06:26:27 GMT