topic Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ... in Coping with a loved one's cancer

I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others who are in the same situation.

Tamara — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 01:41:24 GMT

My name is Tamara, I'm married and have two beautiful children. My Dad has struggled with a tumour on his tongue for two years now and we have just been told the devastating news that it is back. My world has stopped, I loath people around me smiling and having fun, I think how dare you go about your life, when mine is falling apart. I never had Grandparents and my Dad is the best "Poppie" to my kids, I never dreamt that he would be be around for my kids. Who is going to play guitar to them? Sing to them? Teach music to them? Get excited about a painting or read stories to them!!!! I don't want my husbands Dad to be there for my kids I want mine!!!! You would think a 18 hour operation on his face to try and cut the tumour out, after an intense amount of chemo and radiation a year before would have worked and gotten rid of it for good!!!! What am I going to do? What's my mother going to do? The love of her life whom she met when she was 12 is deteriorating before her. The once strong, masculine, bold, wise, handsome and healthy man my brother and mother knew is fading away..... How do you go on??? How do you? If anyone has read this please I'd love to communicate with you???? X

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

tatsoi — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 03:17:29 GMT

hi Tamara, so very sorry to hear about your dad. It's such a terribly sad thing. What do you do?!! my dad also has cancer and it's been the most awful awful thing i've ever experienced. He has an aggresive brain tumour. what i try to do is this: spend as much time as i can with him and bring his grand daughter (my daughter) to visit. I visit him at his place and organised little mini breaks away at the beach. I phone him up and talk to him and always tell him I love him. I cry. lots sometimes. sometimes i just cradle my sadness gently and let it be - because it's the love i feel for him. i try to look after myself..walking, yoga. i go and see a cousellor and talk about it. i come to this forum...(though i don't always write much) i try not to think too much into the future...about how things will be... I try to be in the now...because right now he's here...though he isn't always feeling that great..sometimes he is. there's no escaping the pain...but i know i feel this way because i care and i love him so much. it's a hard journey this one - when someone you love is sick like this. love him up spend lots of time with him (and your mum...) you feel like this because you care. please look after yourself sending love and healing x

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 07:17:55 GMT

G'day! Thanks so much for talking to me, it's so sad to hear of your news. My heart melted when you said you take your daughter to visit. It's so hard when it comes to the children and I'm truly dreading the conversation that is yet to come...... If you don't mind me asking? How old is your father? Mine is 55 and was truly healthy and very fit for his age. I suppose I envy the conversations you have with your Dad as mine can not talk ;( I miss that very much. Today, like you say, went for a coffee and tried to read a book but got side tracked as there was a 67th birthday party next to me and I was like, why can't that be my Dad? Or a elderly couple having afternoon tea together holding hands and I'm like my parents will never get to have that. I cry and get very jealous of everyone I see who has their Dad or their kids have their Poppie, that's what he is called. What is your Dad called? It's every day for me and most of them are CRAP.... The sun is out today and I wish that he could come out side and enjoy it with me! Thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind words. Tamara 😉

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

tatsoi — Thu, 08 Nov 2012 23:47:39 GMT

hi tamara, my dad is 59. in the first three months after his diagnosis I struggled so much - he is too young to get a prognosis that he did (median survival for his condition is 15 months).it's not fair...why can't he get to be an old man ??... it's not right, it's not how it should be! i guess you probably feel like this too? (and your dad is even younger) i also felt sad when i saw gentle older men peacefully going about their days. i felt so much loss. I guess I still feel this loss...but I'm beginning to realise that people get sick and die at any age....it's awful...painful. My dad is called 'grandpa'and sometimes Jon (his name) my eyes and heart fill with tears when I'm now remembering him in the hospital a few days after his craniotomy and just after the surgeon gave us the heartbreaking news...and he said ' i just want to see my grandchildren growing up...and I'm doing that'... children are so healing...I'm so glad I have my beautiful girl who delights me every day...and brings delight to him. He always asks about her. She is only 5. but we let her know what's going on with grandpa. that he has a brain tumour and the doctors are helping him as much as they can. she sees me cry and knows I am sad about grandpa. she asks if he is going to die soon. I tell her the truth ...hopefully not soon, and he's trying his best to stay well for as long as he can. That must be hard not being able to talk with your dad. can he communicate back with you in other ways? do you live nearby to your dad? I live 4-5 hours drive away..I try to visit as much as I can...but wish I was closer. For me the intense anxiety and extreme sadness I felt when he was first diagnosed has eased...I can tolerate it now. I describe it like a rest between contractions when giving birth...I know it will come back...but for now I need to rest a bit...because there is more intense times to come. hope you are going ok. x

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

rarsie — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 22:48:58 GMT

Hi tatsoi and Tamara , I lost my beautiful son to brain tumor on the 21st Sept this year he was just 29, had a 3 yr old son, he will not ever get to be a poppy but he was able to be a dad for 3 yrs.I and him may had not got what I wanted in life but I appreciate and feel blessed to had my son and him to experience been a dad for a short time and to give me a grandson who will live through him for some others aren't so fortunate. Take care and seek the courage and strength from wherever you can Sandra

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 11:10:07 GMT

Hi, yes you are right , its unfair! It must be so hard for you to live so far away!!! How are you travelling? You ok? You know my Dad said a similar thing to me when we got the final news too. He said " it was a privilege to meet them & at least i got to see them" i burst into tears..... My son is 5 in March and he doesn't know what death is! I brought him a book called 'beginnings & endings with lifetimes in between' its about life and death with animals, plants & people but he still didn't get it. My little girl, she's just turned one, she won't remember him at all and that guts me as dad thinks she is all me and it brings back fatherhood for him. It's very hard for him not to talk he gets really frustrated and I think it's a pride thing as he refuses to write it down. He is distant because of this. I had a really good day with him today he was feeling ok today which is great because if he is feeling good then I am too. Funny that? Your last paragraph is so true!!!! X

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 11:22:59 GMT

Hello Sandra, My heart goes out to you and your family and I admire you for even having the strength to talk about it so soon after. Gosh I wish I had your courage how do you get up every day (hope you don't mind me asking) how do you find the 'happy' in life after something like this?? How the hell do you do it? Does your grandson call you Nanni or Gramdma? Is he cheeky? I have two children a boy who is 5 in March and a little girl who just turned 1 on Sep 28th! I'm finding it hard explaining what's happening. My son asks his Poppie if he can talk yet! My dad was the most energic & fun man and now he is limp and frail and my son wants so much for his Poppie to play with him. I take my hat off to you Sandra, sending you hugs x

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

rarsie — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 23:02:47 GMT

Hi Tamara, You asked me if my grandson was cheeky, hell yeah. His dad was a free spirit and packed so much into his life, my grandson calls me Ra Ra as do the other grandsons as I dont have a grandaughter.You ask how do you do it. Well love the answer is you have to. Have to get up in the morning have to be there for my adult kids and grandies. I am a person who a lot say I am strong, but I am not they only see me when I am either pretending or am having a good day, I have a wonderful 2nd husband and have a good relationship with Kep's dad. You will survive and you will never be the same, you will learn so much from this horrid disease that takes so many wonderful people like your dad and my beautiful son Love talking to you Sandra

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

tatsoi — Sun, 11 Nov 2012 07:35:57 GMT

Tamara Glad you had nice day with your dad. Yes I can imagine that when your dad is having a goood day you do too. We all affect each other...I try to remember this when I'm visiting my dad, give him good vibes! Have you seen the cancer councils talking to children about cancer booklet? I found the info helpful. Wishing you many more beautiful times with your pa. Sandra Sorry for loss. I can hear the fondness you have for son and grandson in your writing. My dad has the same tumour that your son had. Tomorrow is his first mri since his treatment...fingers crossed. Glad you have a beautiful little boy in your life . He'll love to hear stories about his wonderful dad as he gets older. Xx

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 10:48:11 GMT

Hi there, No I have not seen that book, although they were really great and sent me some other info on grieving and toddlers, plus a heap of support groups etc Will ask about the other though, how are you doing? X

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 11:10:51 GMT

Hi Sandra, How are you going today? How's that cheeky grandson of yours, making you smile is he? you must never want to let him go! If you don't mind me asking was your son married? Today wasn't so good for me 😞 my Dad couldn't breathe and my son didn't know and was just standing there saying goodbye as we were about to head out in the car. You see my Dad has a tracheotomy in to help him breathe and if that gets blocked..... He stops breathing. He has had a few code blues in hospital and its really scary!! It's hard to watch the rock in my life who gave my life meaning, my security for so many years and who I went to for all the answers, in so much pain and so scared at times. It's horrible even for him to see me looking at him so helpless. I'm his daughter and he hates me seeing him like this. I lay next to him like I'm 5 years old again and never want to let him go! Daddy's little girl, even though I'm married with 2 kids 😉 xx

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

tatsoi — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 03:38:55 GMT

Hi Tamara, I'm going ok thanks busy how are you? how's dad? I'm not with my dad every day...so I guess it's easy for me to get absorbed in the other things in life. but when I have some time to myself...I have a good sob. when i read your words about laying next to your dad and feeling like you're 5 years old and never wanting to let him go...i cry how beautiful it is that you have so much love for him... I haven't seen my dad for about three weeks now...I'm missing him.I've been seeing him at least every 2-3 weeks since his operation...he's been so busy too - appointments, visitors, going here and there...he gets tired. anyway...not sure when I'll visit next...but i can't wait too long! I talked to him yesterday...nothing back from his mri yet...so hopefully that's good news... he's been depressed, but is seeing a psychologist and getting treatment and is feeling better and he's been bush walking and gardening. Glad he can do these things, as they are important to him...got to love the small triumphs! look after yourself... sending love and healing x

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 11:15:08 GMT

Haven't been on here for a while, things have been tough. I've learnt to accept the situation though so i suppose that's the first step. Cancer I loath you!

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

tatsoi — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 05:59:09 GMT

Hi Tamara, sorry things aren't so good for you right now. :( So your dad isn't going so well? It seems acceptance is a flowing process...for me anyway..sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Be kind to yourself, this is such hard stuff. I finally got to spend some time with my dad on the weekend. Had such a great time with him...these are very precious moments. Take care and message me anytime... It sucks when one of your most favourite people are sick! XX

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 06:16:04 GMT

Hi Tamara I lost my dad 18 months ago to terminal cancer, I’m 29 and am getting married next year. He only met my partner twice on skype and unfortunately I was living in London when he died. I frantically flew home when I found out he was going downhill and missed his passing by six hours. Coming from me, make sure you spend as much time with him as you can. Tell your kids about who he was before the cancer (if they are old enough to understand) so they know he was a great man before he got sick. My dad wrote a few stories for my sister’s kids; I cherish these little books now (we all got copies). I wrote my dad a letter telling him exactly what he meant to me and how grateful I was to have him, which my sister read to him whilst he was in his final days. When I have kids, they will know exactly who their grandfather was. Your mother is going to need lots of support, my mother is still struggling with my dad’s passing. They were together 40 years and I’ve told her that she needs to be kind to herself, no one actually expects her to “get over it” – just to find an area of peace and happiness. I would advise her to join a support group, if your father passes she will need lots of people to talk to. She will need to make new friends, especially other widows/single women if possible. My mum is surrounded by couples which is hard for her because she feels like the odd one out and it makes it difficult to find people to go on holiday with/go out dancing with etc. Things like hobby groups are good too. How do you go on? Well you take it one day at a time, break down together if you need to, try to keep upbeat around your dad because it will be really tough for him. I loved my father more than I can actually put into words; he was my hero and a great man. I go on because I know he would shake my shoulders and tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself; life is for living and not to waste my life with sadness. I miss him all the time but I don’t bother with the guilt’s or what if – I was living my dream when he passed away, something he was so proud of and supportive of. I am grateful for the time I did have with him, whilst it was too short; I got to have the best father in the whole wide world. One who taught me the meaning of being a good person, being brave and being an adventurer. He shaped who I am and he lives on through me and my siblings. I’m sure your dad would feel exactly the same. So in summary: spend as much time with him now as possible, tell him what he means to you, be kind to yourself, understand that grieving takes time, try not to mourn what you’ll miss – be grateful for the time you had with him and keep the strong, masculine, bold, wise, handsome and healthy man alive in your memories and stories to your children. Take care

Re: I'm here to meet people and vent, get advice from others ...

Tamara — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 05:47:06 GMT

Very late but a million thanks for your reply!!! I even forwarded your post onto my Mum and brother!!!! You are a very lovely person and so kind to reply to me!!! Right now I'm sitting by my fathers side he has been sedated!!! It's so horrible and I can not get out of my head the image that has been embedded in my brain! At 3.30am this morning I heard my mums scream come through the phone, I bolted from the back yard and when I ran in my face turned white as I saw the amount of blood coming out of his nose, mouth & trackie. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and I thought he was dying then and there! The ambulance came took him to emergency where the were going to give him bloods but my poor dad waved his hand and signed no more!!! I missed him by ten minutes to say goodbye before he was sedated!!! Guttered and now we are just waiting for him to pass. My son has been and said goodbye, he was so brave! I'm just so upset, so, so heartbroken ;(