topic Re: Abusive patients in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Abusive patients

little_stitcher — Thu, 31 Jan 2019 11:47:46 GMT

I belong to a Facebook page called "Caring for Husband's with Cancer". It's really big now, international and has over 1000 members. The reason for this post is that more and more women are posting about how abusive their husbands are (ususally emotionally and verbally abusive.) There have been three women in the past week posting that they can't take the abuse anymore and want to leave their husbands. One is planning to leave (her husband was abusive before his cancer) and two feel too guilty because of their husband's cancer and can't afford it.

It this something other people have experienced? My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 Follicular Lymphoma in 2011 and did not become abusive at all, but he is able to express his painful emotions in a contructive way. Is it because these men only know how to express pain and fear as anger? Sometimes it is the medication they are on, and once their Doctors are made aware of the situation and a different medication is prescribed they become pleasant again. Sometimes the relationships are not great before the diagnosis, and obviously cancer makes everything worse. Sometimes it comes out of the blue, and women who are stressed out of their brains trying to care for their husbands, work, manage finances and in some cases raise children as well have to deal with being abused on top of it.

I'm wondering if counselling should be prescribed as part of cancer treatment to avoid this? My cousin became a quadraplegic and counselling was as much a part of his rehabilitation as physiotheray- I'm wondering if it should be the same for cancer. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Re: Abusive patients

Katekat — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 00:22:24 GMT

A most excellent discussion point @little_stitcher!

Has anyone, experienced changes in your partner or loved one when they undergo their cancer treatment?

Re: Abusive patients

WarriorWife19 — Sun, 10 Feb 2019 22:14:27 GMT

I have! Not physical abuse and not even emotional abuse at all. BUT YESSSS to a major shift in demeanor, anger, etc.

We’ve been together a very long time- married 19 years- and he’s never raised his voice at me really. If he did he had good reason but I can’t remeber a time when he has. He’s always super loving and patient. He treats me like a queen! We have not ever had marital issues or even disagreed very much. When we do, we talk it Kirby like adults. He’s always respectful, happy, and forever pursuing my heart. Still very much like newlyweds and I couldn’t ask for a better man, husband, and dad.

But we are ending cycle 2, about to begin cycle 3 of chemo (Bleomycin, Cisplatin, and Etoposidex along with Neupogen most weeks). He gets a bag of steroid before some of the chemos go in (he gets chemo 18 days of the 28 day cycle and over half of those he gets a big old dose of steroid with his pre-meds first).

Some days he doesn’t need get a steroid and of course he has some days off from chemo all together (but not many, his cycles are crazy!). He has what they warned me he would have- chemo and steroid rage. He’s not himself at all. Even on good days- he’s quiet and withdrawn (not like him at all). But as of this week he has become very irritable and angry. In all over our lives together, I’ve never seen the man get truly grumpy. Ever. Until now. Almost mean spirited.

It’s actually why I found this support group to begin with. I was googling “chemo rage”. I can deal with allllll the puke and side effects but this.....This tears me apart. I know it’s the chemo and not him and it certainly isn’t at a level that alarms or scares me at all, but it’s been also totally not how he normally is. He has an issue with everything I say and do (or anyone says and does). It’s definitely not exclusive to just me. He’s being rude and angry with everyone. Nothing could more opposite of how he usually is. He has literally never hurt my feelings before and this week he did. And he didn’t seem to care that he did so, when normally he can’t stand to see me upset ever. And he’s never the cause of my tears unless they are happy ones. Until this week. It’s like he’s grown cold and jaded out of the blue and very sudden.

If he wasn’t in chemo, I’d be feeling out but they did warn me this was likely coming. I kept laughing at them saying it had not and I doubted it would because he’s so sweet, always- no matter what. And he truly is, but I was wrong. Even he is not immune to this chemo rage. They have explained to me that this is common and even gave me pamphlet about “chemo and steroid rage and personality changes”. I get it, but I don’t know how to cope with it. I have no intention of leaving or letting this change our marriage at all. He cannot help it and I know this is not who he ever is at all. He’s just very, very grumpy and unhappy.

It doesn’t cross any line and some people are just this way normally. But my sweet husband isn’t. It’s hurting my heart so much and he can’t see it. It’s like he’s living in some alternate universe and I don’t recognize him at all and he can’t see what’s going on. I realize it will go away and he will go back to normal when this is over, but I don’t know how to deal with it until then.

Do I ignore it (that’s really hard to do when you are in that moment and are still a human who feels hurt by what he’s saying or how he’s acting). Do you address it or let it go? What if the patient doesn’t see it? Do you tell the doctor if it isn’t any real harm/threat? (it’s not physical at all, that’s actually quite laughable to think about because he’s so gentle. He has never raised his voice to me on all these years much less his hand). It’s not even abuse mentally. It’s not hate or tearing me down or anything like that. It’s just he gets so irritated about everything and he never has anything good to say anymore. And if I express concern about this to him he gets really hurt and upset, and then says he’s the same as he always has been (he is NOT- complete opposite).

Any tips and reassuring me it is just the meds (I know it is but reassuring words from those who have been there helps a lot) would be fantastic because it’s been a really hard few days in an already incredibly hard journey. I know he’s not on board to take any additional meds, especially those designed for this particular thing, and I get that. They’re hard to come off of and as long as it doesn’t get worse or become agresive, I don’t feel the need to ask him to do that. It’s mainky a struggle within myself for me to let it go and be strong enough to ignore it. I don’t need to snap back or letnir upset me. And that’s quite the challenge for me.

Re: Abusive patients

a911lass — Sun, 03 Mar 2019 10:29:23 GMT

I am new here. My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, stage 3/4 a year ago. We got married a year ago this April, but have been together for 7 years total. Chris has gone through 11 folfox chemo treatments and is now on his 6th immunotherapy fusion. After about 5 treatments of chemo, I started to see aggressiveness, mis-guided anger, loss of thought, yelling, throwing things, and getting in my face type of behavior. I have talked to the doctors, and they tell me it is chemo brain. This last week, he hit me during an argument, and two days later, shoved me in anger. This behavior is so foreign to me...I am shocked. We both worked in law enforcement, so are totally against domestic violence....but here it is in my own house. I am not scared of him, but this behavior concerns me, hurts my heart, and I want my old friend/lover/husband back. I am facing the same challenges you are...I try not to take it personal, try to ignore actions and nasty words....but it takes its toll. Does this last forever? I don't have any answers...but it is good to know I am not alone.

Re: Abusive patients

little_stitcher — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 05:22:38 GMT

More importantly, what can be done about it? There are about 1100 members of an international facebook page I belong to - 'Caring for husbands with Cancer'-and I reckon about 30 of them at any one time are dealing with significant abuse, and they're just the ones that post about it. Only about 2 have left their husbands, and the catalyst has been physical abuse of their children. Is there any way counselling can be made a standard part of treatment for people diagnosed with cancer? (I don't want to say this is an issue only with male cancer patients)

Also, are there any safeguards put in place when people are prescribed medications known to cause aggression, such as steriods? 'Chemo rage' is a phenomenan known to Oncologists, but what protocols are put in place to ensure the safety and comfort of people sharing a house with the 'rager'?

I would like to see the Cancer Council advocate for carers in this regard, and any suggestions you may have about what members of the public can do to help would be fantastic. I really appreciate the service the Cancer Council provides. (I'm also aware that your organisation is the cancer council of NSW- is there a national organisation we can recruit as well?)

Re: Abusive patients

little_stitcher — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 20:01:09 GMT

This was written by a member of "Caring for husbands with Cancer" just yesterday (shared with permission)

OK ladies, I am getting overwhelmed with all the ‘mean’ cancer [patients] out there. I think we need a Carers Protection Society.
Honestly, I think it is time we spoke up collectively about this, instead of suffering silently behind closed doors, choking on our tears alone.
We are kind, compassion, caring people. Their situations are damn tough, but it is not OK to be treated badly because of their suffering.
Just because they are having a crappy time, a most nerve shattering experience, doesn’t give them the right to abuse us who are giving up nearly everything just to help them stay alive.
Time to take some action ladies, the line has to be drawn somewhere.

Re: Abusive patients

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 19:16:26 GMT

I have been searching through this forum off and on since April looking for anyone who is going through this...my husband of 22 years is 18 months out of treatment and he more angry and mean spirited and sometimes down right evil ... trying to start arguing... he told me yesterday he has no feeling for me at all. And even though he was grateful for all I did during his 11 months...he hates me now.. where do I go with that 27 years of being with this man.. he was always fun laid back and enjoyed life..now he is like a stranger . Our kids stay away from him, he hates everyone..because they are stupid or incompetent... never happy EVER.. so full of resentment.. and the look of hate is scary.
I talked to his doctor about this a few weeks ago and he treated me like I was some horrible person..and did nothing..my husband isn’t on any meds.. he drinks everyday now.. even if it is only two beers he makes us feel like we are walking on eggshells when he is around. Where do we go?… there is no counseling around here to go to for caregivers. It is very sad.

Re: Abusive patients

Alilouwho — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 18:58:29 GMT

I agree. I tried to find help for the horrible way my husband was treating me during his chemotherapy—constant financial and emotional abuse, criticism, yelling about everything I did, moving in his family into our home then elevating them above me, telling me he had brought them here to help but then yelling at me for treating them like servants even though I asked them for nothing and never wanted hem here in the first place. It was a nightmare. He was already abusive before the diagnosis and I had been making plans to leave but then of course the diagnosis changed everything. He would scream at me, trap me in a room and forbid me to leave the house, he even grabbed my arm hard enough to leave bruises and screamed at me for asking him too many times if he was ok. He denies all of it. It seemed like he took his diagnosis as a green light to just do whatever he wanted and no one would bat and eye, and that is exactly what happened. I tried to find ways to address it, but there were very few resources. I tried to join an online support group for caregivers but was actually rejected because I reported the abuse and they said it would be “too distracting for the other members.” Talked to my husbands social worker and she said she couldn’t speak to me without him present, which is not what you want to do when reporting an abusive situation. He forbade me to talk to his doctors. I tried to talk to the other oncology psychiatrists but they said they wouldn’t see me because they wanted to save the space for Actual cancer patients. Tried to use the mental health facilities at the hospital where he was getting treatment and they weren’t even covered by our insurance. I even went to a counselor with him, even though that is not what you are supposed to do with abusive spouses—I was just completely out of options. That didn’t help either, as the counselor just told me I need to make sure he doesn’t experience stress and made it out like he was some huge hero just for showing up—immediately after we left he would start in on me again. I have my own therapist but she is so out of her depth as to understanding the delicacy of the situation. There really needs to be some resources for caregivers, the only solace I could find after a while was drinking alone in the garage with my phone switched off. And I really really tried to find functional ways to cope.

Re: Abusive patients

a911lass — Sun, 21 Jul 2019 06:15:36 GMT

Do you live in Australia?? Do you have facebook? If so, send me a friend request at Marcii Lassiter....I am going through the same thing. I can give you some resources that have worked for me.

Re: Abusive patients

usedup — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 07:56:17 GMT

I feel for you. I have experienced so much of the same but luckily it is just him and me in the house. I think you need a more understanding therapist and, they are out there! You can get help from DV connect in Australia - they can give advice on what you need to get you to a safe place. Don't let this man hurt you any more. You are worth more than that .<3

Re: Abusive patients

Dizee12 — Fri, 02 Aug 2019 02:16:16 GMT

Hi,

This would be difficult. I would feel very sorry for the person in an abusive relationship already before the diagnosis.

My problem is a little different as I am having trouble with my partners brain fog.

He says I am abusive to him, I don't mean to be but I don't think he realises the stresses I am under with his illness and just day to day life and work.

I do think counselling should be part of the treatment.

Re: Abusive patients

AlwaysMomasGirl — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:13:51 GMT

My momma is a completely different person. I had traveled and taken 2 weeks off to help her and my father thru her last round of chemo. I had bought a one way ticket with plans to take however long she needed. I left just 3 days ago only after 2 weeks because I could not handle the emotional and mental abuse that she was causing myself and my father. I literally was afraid to be on my phone or try to hold a conversation with my father while there because she thought that we were conspiring against her. She would send him on several trips daily to the store to buy her food and then when we could cook it for her, she would say that it tasted horrible and refuse to eat it. She would intentionally be loud in the middle of the night to wake me up. After I left she seeped to have a good day and now is back to throwing objects in the house, yelling at my father, and refusing to speak to my sister or I (my sis and I both live in different states than my parents). Any advice would be much appreciated

Re: Abusive patients

JR — Wed, 14 Aug 2019 21:42:30 GMT

Hi,

I just posted something similar. My husband is currently battling terminal cancer, and I don't even know him anymore. He used to be loving and caring (for the most part), but now he is angry, cold, extremely withdrawn and doesn't seem to care about me at all. It is heartbreaking. Hugs!

Re: Abusive patients

Bsnlsm — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 18:35:02 GMT

Hi. I am feeling very trapped at the moment. I am a nurse and my husband was diagnosed with stage 2 lymphoma a couple of months ago. But he has been emotionally abusive for the past 2 years or more, criticizing me whenever the mood arises and assassinating my character. I also feel like when I am around that he exaggerates his symptoms in order to make me feel more stress. He doesn't let me express feelings at all about the situation, only his feelings are valid. He enjoys saying that I was cruel to him when he was sick because I got upset with him for being rude to me. It has gotten to the point that being around him gives me severe anxiety and I have been considering suicide because I know I can't leave him while he has cancer. I am also taking care of my mom who had a stroke in 2020 and is a total care and my dad with dementia. I have a 9 year old son too. But my husband gives me a hard time about leaving the house to take a break or see my friends. If I run errands he has to know where I am going and what time I am coming home. I don't know what to do. I am afraid staying in this marriage is going to kill me.

Re: Abusive patients

Bsnlsm — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 18:44:05 GMT

Yes, mean patients changed my nursing specialty from oncology to something else and now a mentally abusive patient has me ready to walk out on him.

Re: Abusive patients

Bsnlsm — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 18:46:17 GMT

My husband does these things too. Only he claims to love us and I am starting to hate him.

Re: Abusive patients

Susana_CCNSW — Mon, 24 Apr 2023 06:20:59 GMT

Hi Bsnlsm,

I am sorry to hear about the things you are going through, you do have a lot going on in your life right now.

Thank you for reaching out, I would like to suggest calling the Cancer Council support line on 131120 , to talk and find support.

Kind regards

susana

Online Community

Re: Abusive patients

ClimbingTree — Wed, 10 Apr 2024 03:39:08 GMT

You could try a regular counselor. You can talk about how you are being treated and get tools to help you with boundaries or not allowing it..

Re: Abusive patients

ClimbingTree — Wed, 10 Apr 2024 03:59:52 GMT

I hear ya.. similar thing going on ( has gone on ) with ,my husband ( he had a gr 4 glioblastoma) but now he’s almost back to normal, physically and mentally..
A therapist or counselor could help you sort out things and this might help you feel much better . They could help you on dealing with this situation..
Hope you get to a better place…don’t forget, you matter, too,

Re: Abusive patients

Mischy — Tue, 15 Oct 2024 05:55:15 GMT

My hubby has stage 4 bowel cancer. After a year of two different chemos there isn't anything else at the moment they can do and have given him 6-12mths. He is so cranky with me and this weekend had our daughters wedding and her anxiety made him cranky and he carried this through the whole day and into the week. Like this was supposed to be his dream come true. I'm just hanging in there because I know this is due to the prognosis and all the meds.

I try not to retaliate but sometimes I have to tell him how upset I am. Of course that makes it worse.

Anyway. Just wanted to tell a tiny bit of my tail