topic Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER? in Coping with a loved one's cancer

HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Prevailing — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 05:56:18 GMT

Today was not a good day for me and to be quite truthful, I feel emotionally beat up. My husband who has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer has become angry and bitter to the point that he seems to be taking it out on me. This is why I sought out a support group for families and friends of loved ones. It seems that nothing I do is good enough right now in his eyes. Today which happens to be my birthday ended on such a sour note, that all I want to do right now is cry. The day started off with me trying to be upbeat and trying to keep his spirits up.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

SILLY — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 10:03:31 GMT

Some people do become angry about having cancer.I only know this from other posts here. I think that anger can sometimes come from fear. It is like a reaction to fear . It is as if to show fear is to show weakness but to let it out as anger appears strong . It's a bit like the idea of being offensive instead of defensive. He may be pushing you away because he is worried that he won't be there for you if he doesn't get better . I don't know,of course, just a thought to consider. I'm not a psychologist . This is just from my own observation and experience. I know this doesn't help you deal with the situation but it may possibly explain it a bit more. I think men are more likely to react this way than women .Women are more likely to cry . Women are more likely to reach out to others for comfort. Your husband needs someone to talk to but it looks like he isn't ready. It's a pity his doctors haven't helped. Maybe his gp would be able to help ,but perhaps you're not able to make any suggestions at this time. I hope someone can offer more help. I can imagine how hurt you must feel even though you understand the reason.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

thaker — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 11:01:14 GMT

Hi. I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I know exactly what you are going through having gone through it myself two years ago. My husband was diagnosed with GBM in Feb 2009 and we lost him to GBM in Dec 09. Yes we too got to the point where nothing I did was good enough. What I did when I was close to losing it was to sit him down and point out to him that he had been using me as his verbal punching bag. I told him that I was not on the opposing team, I was on his team. I also pointed out that whether he realised it or not I was his main supporter. He had siblings but noone volunteered to go to appointments. I told him how I thought he must be feeling and then I asked him to put himself in my shoes. I realised that because of his illness we had stopped communicating because everything had become about his next scan and his next chemo treatment. Until I had my talk with my husband he did not even realise what he was doing. He was reacting by shutting himself in his little bubble. Things improved after that. I am not saying one fix fits all. I am just telling you my story and hoping it helps a little.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

thaker — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:02:54 GMT

double post

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

deejjay — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 01:14:52 GMT

Having had cancer myself I feel it's important that carers and loved ones get support as it's just as hard on them. They can't do anything to make it better and feel helpless. And if they are at work they often can't be attending the hospital with the person to find out what's going on, ask questions or be kept in the loop as easilly. Also unsupported carers can make it harder for the patient themselves. It's even more difficult when the person isn't willing to seek support and counselling themselves. I'm not sure of your whole situation, that is, are there others helping out and giving you both support, are you supporting him with him not working (or is he working still) which can add to the strain. And of course the fact that his cancer is advanced makes it hard. It's hard for me to advise as even though I had stage III breast cancer it is still treatable (40% relapse rate so 60% plus cure rate) so can't see it from the point of view of an advanced cancer patient. However my situation also was we didn't have much of a local community to help out and I worked through treatment for the money. My anger is not only about the cancer but about the fact my partner didn't want to build our own community a few years before to have those local friendships as well as the lack of financial support. Thus I'm not in a position to advise how I would have been if I'd simply just been diagnosed with the cancer and my partner was there supporting me with a supportive community and I hadn't had to have worked during tratment. But I feel I would have been highly appreciative and still attended a support group to make it easier for him and me and encourage him to do so too. I also would have accepted services and sought out advice to make it easier on him. You've done the right thing joining this group and building up your friendships and support people. I also advise that you join a face to face carers support group in your local area as you will meet other carers, share situations and get further suggestions. Also you'll hear of the situations of others which you can tell your partner about. I agree with Thaker, it's about sitting down and talking with him. Say you are on his side and can't even begin to image what it must be like for him but want to be there for him in all ways including emotionally but you need him to be supportive of you as well. Tell him you want to create the best life possible for the both of you so he can do the things he'd like to do. Also stop talking about God and healthy eating and lifestyle and so forth and talk to him about what interests him and listen to his fear. Point out that inspite of treatment you'd like the 2 of you to do things that he enjoys and is able to do together and that it's a time for him to do some nice things for himself including the 2 of you. Encourage him to do the activities he used to be able to do that he still can do, maybe even offer to go with him or take him. Naturally with the fact that he's stopped treatment I can well understand your concern. Is it worth chatting to his oncologist about what difference treatment vs no treatment would mean. It's about directly expressing your concern about the implications of this and treatment increasing his chances. Also explain that you may have seemed to have nagged him about his lifestyle but you did so out of concern for increasing his chances of survival and well being.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 03:43:01 GMT

Hi I have Stage 4 breast cancer and have become aware of the support offered by other women who have "walked the walk." It is only fellow sufferers who can understand the emotional upheaval of having to face a finite time span as well as side effects from treatment. It is obvious to me that your husband requires the support of other men to help him get through this part of his journey. Have you tried the Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia? http://www.prostate.org.au Click on the Support Groups at the top for groups in your state. There are lots, and they often provide phone numbers so even if your husband is not up to doing it, you can make the initial contact. Talking with a group of fellow sufferers (not a professional as he is obviously rejecting this type of contact) over a beer may help him realise that there are treatments that can significantly extend his life and improve his quality of life.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Prevailing — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 06:22:31 GMT

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. Today I feel somewhat better I guess after a good night’s sleep. Although the communication with my husband in my home all day has been nonexistent. I have basically been walking around on eggshells and just trying to stay out of his way. Just giving him some space and letting him do things for himself. I think part of his anger is he doesn’t want to feel helpless. He has always been a take charge kind of fella. I heard him moving about in the kitchen. He was cooking and preparing his own food and even watching a little TV in between napping. I don’t want to cause him any stress or anxiety so I’ve just retreated to my little space in the house. At this point anything and everything I say or do will result in him either being sarcastic or insulting. I have tried to sit down and talk with him in the past, but it doesn’t work. He needs someone to make the scapegoat and I guess I’m it. Although I’m only human and my feeling are often hurt to the point that I feel kind of traumatized by the whole ordeal. I don’t want to become angry or resentful at his behavior. It’s hard not to though. The last thing I want is for us to start victimizing each other and forget about the love we share. We live in a rural area in a small town and there really isn’t any support group or network here. Even if there was, my husband probably wouldn’t go. I would be more than happy to attend. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this and I dare not bring up the subject with his family. Even though I’m the wife, I’m kind of like an outsider to them because he’s their brother, their son, their father, their uncle, if you know what I mean. In their eyes, I’m just the woman he married. They don’t want to hear anything negative about their blood relative. Besides, they live in other states and I think they look for me to be the primary caregiver which is understandable since I am the wife. My husband’s on disability and I work from home. I used to work outside the home, but I felt guilty because I wasn’t there for him all the time. So now I have a home base business. Next week he is scheduled to go to the other hospital and discuss chemotherapy treatment, but I’m not sure if he’s going to go or not. He keeps changing his mind about which type of treatment he wants and who he wants to treat him. Our options are slim as far as health care goes. Heck, we have no insurance, but he is a military veteran so he is covered by the VA hospital. The only problem is the VA hospital is about 250 miles away from us and they don’t accommodate lodging for me when he needs to do a overnight. The VA did pay for him to have his radiation treatment at our town’s local hospital, but then my husband cursed out the doctors and now he doesn’t want go back there so he might go back to the VA. He was initially going to the VA for all his treatments, and then he cursed out the VA doctors and asked for a transfer of his case to our local hospital which they did. If I say anything about this flip flopping between these two hospitals, then I get yelled at and cursed out so I have learned to keep my mouth shut and let him call the shots. Deep down I know he’s scared. Hell, I’m scared. I am so afraid of the radiation and the chemotherapy and I think my husband is too. That’s why he keeps cursing out the doctors and finding a reason not the even have the treatment. The only problem is if not treated at all his pain seems to get worse. After ten treatments of the radiation, his back pain eased up, but lately it has returned. Anyway, that’s my story and every day I pray for strength to get me through these tough times and more importantly I pray for my husband and all cancer patients.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 08:27:48 GMT

hey! Sorry you5r having a hard time, yep its easier when your dealing with the same kind of affliction, your hubby would probably benefit from either jumping on here or finding another support group who know exactly what hes going through. Anger comes easy I reckon, I get angry when I think about what the cancer has done to me, I get angry with the treatment and how its making me suffer that way. When you are constantly bombarded with discomfort, pain, the unknown, fear or not, its the lack of peace of mind that can drive you to insanity. My Uncle came out and visited me back in 2003, he knew he was dying, yet the person I had in my house was a stranger to me, he was totally unpredictable, angry, bitter, and then sometimes his old self. I couldnt understand it until I suffered cancer myself. Its hard on the carer/family to deal with, Im not a counsellor but I know damn well where his feelings are coming from. I just want to go back to being like the majority of the world.....normal.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

SILLY — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 10:04:59 GMT

I suspect that your husband has always kept some of his worries and little fears to hImself ,just the way he is. Maybe he nearly always sorted any problems out on his own,especially if you are fairly isolated where you live. Now that he needs help it's not his way to ask. Stay here and keep talking to others so you can cope better. Does he know that you are here? If so ,what does he say about it ? I hope things improve for you. You can probably talk to a counsellor by phone to talk about your needs ,not his .

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Roz — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 19:42:19 GMT

Hi first of all hugs and more hugs to you. I am a carer of my husband who has stage 4 prostate cancer and we are heading to the oncologist today . My story is a little different but similar. My hubby doesnt get angry but doesnt communicate sometimes he lives with his head in the sand , Decides that its ok to forget it meds. He drinks to much. Very frustrating . What I did was chat to his oncologist about his relunctance to take control of his treatment. I also decided that as a carer I was going to still be his wife not his nurse and that he was an adult and his choices are his choices , I also decided that I had to take care of me, selfish as it might seem but for me to deal with this desease and we to as carers are affected we might not have cancer but my gosdit affects us, I had to be fine mentally and physically. I continue to do things for myself by doing this it gives my hubby time to himself, I think as wives we want to be there all the time to make it right ,we hover we nag we want them to fight, May be he wants space time out .]to not think about cancer , I have told my hubby about support groups but didnt tell him to join, his choice right , I also joined the telephone suppot group through the cancer council its for carers and have group councilly every fortnight ,I go to the bedroom shut the door and its my turn to talk about how I feel about stratgergies listen to other ppl in the same situation and how they deal with it, and sometimes just knowing that you are not alone and its alright and that yes it normal for all these feelings and sometimes there is no answer it sort of makes it easier. I also just go up to my hubby and say I need a hug and I am scared .Just had a thought I think the the Vet affairs have support groups as well you could google it . Men arrrrg Cancer arrrg stubbornest arggggggg anger arggggg .PS thats me screaming . Hugs again look after you .Keep up withthe support groups writing everything down is also a release.

Cheers Roz

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Jjmichael — Mon, 04 Feb 2019 18:33:03 GMT

Hi Prevailing, you’ve summmed up much of my relationship struggles in your further comments. Walking on eggshells, retreating, etc. I am my wife’s caregiver and we have been married 31 years. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know this person. I’ve been just eating her anger and trying to appease her to no avail. Conversations just don’t seem to go well between us and I desperately want to be her rock.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

suncatcher — Thu, 07 Mar 2019 18:30:22 GMT

I am new here, and thank goodness this popped into my browser before I chewed my fingers all the way to the bone.

My spouse has been diagnosed with invasive lobular breast cancer within the past 6 weeks.

I keep telling myself, and others, that I have absolutely no idea exactly how this diagnosis is making her feel. I am reading a lot on how to approach/treat the cancer afflicted loved one, and putting it to use.

Here is the downside, my spouse has been a bit self destructive in the past (before we became a couple) the doctors have prescribed anti anxiety agents (one of which i just flat out took away from her due to the outbursts of extreme aggressiveness) she was good to hear me out, and discuss a milder option with her doctor.

she has not began any other treatments or procedures yet, but this anger!! I say to her, it's okay to be angry at cancer, but my goodness don't let it push you back to the reckless person that just doesn't give a dam* if you hurt the people who love you. risking her own life, and the lives of others by drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and driving. Not coming home to rather be at a doper house. (this hurts me of course) but then to ask me "do I want her to move out ?" because I am upset.

This scares me so much for her. I don't understand if the mind , perhaps due to previous destructive behavior, just resorts back to it's old patterns of thinking that life is anything less than precious.

Do I notify the doctor that she is drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and it's not safe?

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

NotInControl — Mon, 01 Apr 2019 23:30:56 GMT

Suncatcher...yes advise the doctor even if it makes her angry. I think as hard as it is at this point we have to remove ourselves from their emotions, wanting to keep them happy and just keep them safe. My spouse has stage 4 prostate cancer that is hormone resistant. He's angry and stressed. He denied any anxiety to the doctor and I all but fell off my chair. Do or die I thought and I shook my head that he was okay. That lead to a good medication that worked until his chemo failed. Now he's mad at the world and feels safe being angry with me..alternating with withdrawing. We can't feel what they do but we're hurt and scared too. It's hard to watch anyone give up but we are not in control of them or the disease. We too have to live our life and not ride their highs and lows. With all due respect not unlike living with a toddler coming to grips with their emotions. Hugs to all cancer victims and their caregivers.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

RandyBonnette — Mon, 08 Jul 2019 08:19:29 GMT

@writemyessay wrote:
she has not began any other treatments or procedures yet, but this anger!! I say to her, it's okay to be angry at cancer, but my goodness don't let it push you back to the reckless person that just doesn't give a dam* if you hurt the people who love you. risking her own life, and the lives of others by drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and driving. Not coming home to rather be at a doper house. (this hurts me of course) but then to ask me "do I want her to move out ?" because I am upset.

This scares me so much for her. I don't understand if the mind , perhaps due to previous destructive behavior, just resorts back to it's old patterns of thinking that life is anything less than precious.

Do I notify the doctor that she is drinking on top of these anxiety meds, and it's not safe?

I completely understand your fear and anxiety. My wife was diagnosed with melanoma, when she was pregnant, and it was a nightmare for us. She was anglry all the time, and to crown it all, she had nausea. But we tried to calm down using this counting method: Counting to 10 and Beyond. I guess it saved us, because I don't know what could have happened to our family, if we continued like that.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Traci-Renee — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 17:13:24 GMT

I am new to this group, but I feel your hurt. My husband was just recently diagnosed on 6-18-19 and he is nice to everyone but me. It hurts to see the ones we love so much go thru this, but then to be so angry and take it out on us is a double whammy. Stay strong, I am taking minute by minute. I have been told they show their anger towards the ones they love the most, and they know we won’t walk away. Like I said I’m new to this and have already had days where I wanted to run. I cry every time I’m alone, trying to believe it’s bc he loves me and not that he hates me. Always hear if you need an ear. Know that you are his angel. 💕

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Pandamonium — Fri, 19 Jul 2019 19:57:41 GMT

After reading all of your comments, I feel silly complaining about what I'm going through. My mother has breat cancer and she's almost halfway through her chemo treatment. All of the doctors are sure she'll make it out fine, but the chemo treatment has been hell for her (and the family). I'm 18, about to enter college this fall and I even graduated high school early to help her out. I've done everything she asks and on most days, we have a good time together. Recently I feel like her attitude has changed. When I couldn't do something for her, she got really angry with me. I felt hurt, and then she proceeded to say I lack compassion, don't understand what she's going through, and that she's been reluctant to ask me for help because she thinks I have an attitude (I rarely complain and have been doing everything for her!). Being my mother's caretaker while my dad is working is tiresome, but I've been there for her through it all and even go to every single chemo session. I'm hurt by the things she said and frustrated that she's not being as rational as she normally is. I honestly don't know how to move on and I've kind of become scared of her. I feel like everytime we try to talk about her attitude she makes more digs at me and refuses to apologize for anything. I'm afraid if I don't help her she'll be mad, but when I do, she finds something to complain/be mad about).

Also, this is the only forum I could find where people talk about handling rude sick people - I feel as though I am not allowed to be angry with a cancer patient and I think that's also why my mom is mad at me. She constantly retaliates with how she has cancer as if that makes anything she does wrong okay - does it?

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Traci-Renee — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 08:06:32 GMT

Pandemonium, I totally understand what your saying. I totally understand your mom and my husbands anger. I do, but as caregivers who are there only bc of our deep love and devotion, to be yelled at, treated like we have no feelings is wrong. We are hurting also. Your mom is so lucky to have you. I’ve been also told that when people go thru chemo, they get chemo brain. I don’t mean this disrespectfully bc I actually heard it from my girlfriend who is a breast cancer survivor of 6 years. She said she would say things that were very rude or hurtful. But she did say she really didn’t realize how she was saying things. Being so demanding and belittleling to her loved ones. She’s also the one who told me that they only do it to the ones they know won’t leave their side. I am also struggling with this behavior bc I have to take the beating from both my husband and daughter. I am also very new to this diagnosis with my husband. It’s only been a month and two days and I’ve already had to see my dr. Due to my anxiety and I’m starting to get depressed. I have to get up and be mom and act as tho everything is gonna be ok, so my kids stay kids and I cry every chance I get when I’m alone. Stay strong... you are strong and you have a beautiful devotion to your mom at such a young age. Your mom is probably upset with herself bc you are taking care of her, instead of her being your mom and taking care of you. Take it from a mom who does everything for everyone but herself. I pray for you and your mom. I am always here for you if you need to talk and vent. Hugs stay strong and believe your mom is suffering with cancer and other issues. She loves you, just she’s scared. As we are as caregivers of our loved ones. It’s ok to get angry at a cancer patient, bc it’s not only Not ok to verbally abuse us and use us as punching bags. It’s ok to walk away knowing they are safe, and grasp our thoughts and go back to them after a good cry in the other room. Always here for you to talk to. You are an amazing stand up daughter at such a young age. Your momma did a great job. Hugs

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Traci-Renee — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 08:11:40 GMT

Also no just bc they have cancer doesn’t make them right to abuse us.

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Traci-Renee — Thu, 25 Jul 2019 02:05:31 GMT

💔 Cancer sucks and has broken my heart! I miss the love and laughter in my home. Now everyone is arguing and I can’t do anything right. My husband has something to say about everything I do. I just can’t do this anymore. Scared and over whelmed with anger. I understand he has the cancer but we are all hurting, I feel for every single person that has a loved one with cancer, bc loving them while they are treating us not so nice sucks too....💔😢

Re: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

Traci-Renee — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 21:22:23 GMT

Another day in sucks vile! Wishing all you beautiful care givers at least one genuine smile today...😊❤️