topic Re: Withdrawing from the world in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Withdrawing from the world

Mrs_Elton — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:15:27 GMT

When things start getting too much to handle, do you find yourself withdrawing from the world around you? I find there are times (of extreme pressure) when I just don't want to see or talk to anyone. Is it just a survival mechanism?

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Jules2 — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:50:33 GMT

Hiya MrsElton I withdraw also when things get a bit tough. I just regroup and re energise to get back into whatever is happening at the time. Yes, for me its survival mechanism. I find the beach very therapeutic when i am feeling like withdrawing. take care Julie

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Mrs_Elton — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:22:39 GMT

Hi Julie, Even when I am withdrawing, I know it is at that point in time that I need people the most. My emotional strength battery has got too low and needs recharging and a 'jump start' from someone else's battery would help give me the power I need to get home and recharge fully. Yet, all too often, no jump start is offerred. The silence is deafening. Rarely do I come home from dropping my boys at school and find a message on my answering machine, "just called to say Hello and see how you're doing". Is that why we withdraw, to protect ourselves from the possibility of others letting us down again?

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Versaillon — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:13:10 GMT

I'm a carer and even I find myself withdrawing at times and yes, it's usually when I'm feeling extremely stressed. I don't want to talk to people, put on the niceties or talk about boring crap. I just want to be on my own (or with my husband) resting, doing stuff I/we enjoy and shutting myself off from the rest of the world for a bit to concentrate on me for 5 minutes. I don't think we should apologise for it though. We're all going through something that is very emotionally challenging and we should do what we feel is necessary to re-charge our batteries. Sometimes, we just can't cope with cancer AND everything else going on and that's to be expected. Just do what is needed to help you get you through.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Jules2 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:02:50 GMT

hmmm i need to think on this one and will get back to you.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Jules2 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:26:27 GMT

Hiya Mrs Elton I have thought some on this one. Its different i think being a carer to a patient. People often perceive the patient as the person needing all the help and tend to forget about the carers perhaps? Friends and family are not always going to live up to our expectations and sometimes it just takes us to reach out and actually say what we need. Even though at times it is blatantly obvious to us what we are needing, other people i feel dont see it so clearly. Julie

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Mrs_Elton — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:32:52 GMT

Hi Julie, You are so right! other people don't see it so clearly. I have always been a person who thinks of others, if I hear that it is someones birthday or anniversary, I make a note of it and then wish them all the best on the day. I don't stand by and watch someone struggling, I lend a hand. I care about people and it pisses me off that now that i need a bit of caring, there are very few who make me FEEL they care, even though I KNOW that they care. There is a huge difference between knowing something and FEELING it. I have told people if they don't feel comfortable talking with me then they could send me a text letting me know they are thinking of me. Result - negligible. I have said to people who are concerned about upsetting me by saying the wrong thing, that there is nothing that they can say that will be worse than what this cancer diagnosis has made me feel and that they should just say, Hi how ya doing today? That gives me the option of continuing the conversation or saying, not up to talking about it today. At least that way they are acknowledging it. Saying nothing makes me feel like they don't care. It's only a feeling, feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings. Still, I am so GLAD to have found this website, it has really helped me and I am so grateful to people like you who have shared with me. Jill.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

thaker — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:16:51 GMT

Hi Jill I am not giving them an excuse just giving you an explanation. I think people can't cope with us changing. In my case I am the go to person in the family. I have been since since I was 18. Mum and dad used to rely on me for errands. With my husband, he'll willingly tell you that I run the house, his schedule and the kids schedule. I make things happen. So, when I couldn't do that any more...what happened? Noone would believe me! About a month ago, things came to a head and I went to see my GP for a few days off work. I was just too exhausted to give a damn any more. She gave me a week off. On my first day off hubby had a list of 3 things he needed me to do for him and mum had a list of 2 things. I was so tired (emotionally and physically) just the thought of getting dressed had me on the verge of tears. Did I get any rest during that week? very little....I even told everyone at home to pretend I did not exist for a week (mum and dad are currently living with us to help out). That lasted for about 15 minutes. So you see, although you would like people to understand that you could do with a return of at least some of the care and concern you have shown them, it will take time for them to adjust to the idea of you needing some tlc not being the one giving the tlc. Keep asking and eventually they'll get the idea. I joined the gym four weeks ago (after my week off did not work) and now at least twice a week I get 2 hours all to myself to reclaim my sanity. And if they still dont hear you...dont worry...you have us on this forum 🙂

Re: Withdrawing from the world

larn75 — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:39:14 GMT

Hi Mrs Elton, I go through the same thing all the time. Like you I am the one who cooks a meal for my sick friend, or reminds a mate its his wife's birthday or the like. I am the one who makes a lot of noise about the importance of fundraising, or the one people come too to whinge about their lives (or usually their husbands lol). Yet, just as you have found, I have struggled to find that support for myself. A girlfriend who I haven't seen since before T's cancer is visiting this weekend from SA. She really, really needs me apparently as she is turning 40 and just CAN'T cope with that without me. I hope I have the strength not to give it to her with both barrels as I am waaayyyyy over trivial melodrama. Definately no enegiser batteries in this lil bunny!!! May I add that she has called me about three times in these last nine months. Reminds me why I left lol. A lot of my friends were that way back home. I have chosen a bit carefully up here. After that big whine, I have found I have a small group of wonderful friends that drag me out for coffee once a week as they noticed me fizzing out lately. I need more fundraisers haha, I always head downwards when I don't have a focus!! I went up the mountain this weekend. DID NOT want to come home. I love birds, snakes and lizards, (I hear you all go ewwww, but I just love them), and lil marsupials and anything furry and cute. My little daughter shares the same joy over animals. We had such a wonderful time, bushwalking, bird feeding and holding snakes, but it sure broke the bank!!! I don't care though, we needed it. T got out the rucksack and headed into the rainforest for a 5 hour trek. So refreshing, cleared the head and shone a bit of light on the future. First timeI have thought past the next chemo treatment or specialist appointment in ages. maybe I should take a quick runn back uo there before my friend gets here! :-) Good news! T had his medical and go back to work tomorrow. Exactly nine months to the day after diagnosis. Take care all Alana :-)

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:39:43 GMT

Hi Mrs Elton, Yes, I also withdraw, but I believe this is part of my coping mechanism. As others have mentioned in their comments, there are times when you need re-charge. Some friends will disappoint you, others really don’t know what to say, so they don’t say “anything”. This is difficult to understand but I believe friends don’t mean to cause harm, this is unfamiliar territory to them as well. Search for what gives you the energy you need… be it… a favourite walk ….. a family picnic perhaps… time for you alone, watching a movie.. try and do whatever lifts your spirit. I learnt to close my eyes to “an imperfect house”, dust collected, the garden filled with leaves, we often had sandwiches or my “Favourite..baked beans and cheese on toast” (Yuk, you say) for dinner, I just did what I could at the time. Cancer causes emotional turmoil on our lives, sometimes that turmoil needs to be confined for a time, and as one lady said in support group “she puts the turmoil in a room in her mind and closes the door, she knows it’s still there but she gradually lets it out, in stages she can cope with”. We each develop our own unique methods of dealing, there is no right or wrong, just what works for you.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Mrs_Elton — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:57:18 GMT

Thanks Alana and Reindeer, It sure does help to hear that others have the same issues and feelings. Alana, you can keep your snakes all too yourself! I am not a fan of them in any way. Having said that, ....I am glad that they give you enjoyment, it sounds like the weekend was a great rejuvenator for you all. Just goes to show how different we all are and what works for one, may not work for another and it really comes down to 'whatever works for you! Good luck with your '40' year old friend(?), to her it is obviously a 'big' thing, to those of us dealing with cancer and all its complications, another birthday might be exactly what we are hoping for. It's all relative, isn't it. Reindeer, nothing wrong with baked beans and cheese on toast! and as far as accumulating dust, I have no problem closing my eyes to that....most of the time!! I like the idea of putting the turmoil into a room in my mind, I will definitely give that a go, thanks for the tip. Thanks ladies! Jill.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

chris_martin — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 07:44:13 GMT

Hi there my name is Chris and I have only found and joined this website today. I have been reading it all day and also crying a lot. My dad who is 83 has oesophageus and has got to the stage where he can't swallow at all and has to have pureed food. He is having a stent put in Friday to give him a little bit of relief. He thinks this will give him years to live but doctors have been telling me it is only a palliative measure and he could go at any time.To make matters worse he lives a 6hr train trip away and refuses to move closer to me! The thing I can't deal with is friends and even close family tell me I'm being silly as he is 83 and had a good life but maybe it is time.That is what I am having trouble with. My health is not good and somedays I cry so much at the thought of being without him that all I want to do is sleep. He has always been my rock and source of emotional strength and I don't know how I will handle life without him. As I've read today it is so good to be able to write your thoughts down without having the fear of people saying "you're so silly you will cope"!!!

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Mrs_Elton — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 08:28:27 GMT

Hi Chris, So glad you found this site, it has been a life-saver (well maybe a sanity-saver) to me on many occasion. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and the poor state of health he is in, no-one wants to see someone they love suffer in pain. I hope that his op on Friday to put the stent in is successful and gives him some comfort. He may be 83, but he is YOUR DAD and it is natural to feel sadness at the thought of losing him and watching him suffer. Use this site to vent your frustrations, share your feelings and connect with other people who can understand the huge range of emotions that you are experiencing. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, kind regards Mrs Elton.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

chris_martin — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 08:41:22 GMT

Hi Mrs Elton. Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. You are the first person - family/ftiends included to understand what I am going through - and I won;t let myself feel so silly when I cry in future. I think that by crying now I am at least preparing myself for the inevitable although I don't think I will ever be prepared for the end. At least dad is a very positive person and his main concern at the moment is that I am ok!!!! I am so glad I found this website as tonight I can go to bed and sleep knowing that I can share my feelings with people who know what I'm feeling. You sound loke such a great bunch of people. Take care. Chris

Re: Withdrawing from the world

CATS — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:49:57 GMT

Hi Chris and welcome. Glad you found this site - it has been a sanity saver for me as well . I am sorry about your Dad's poor health and I hope the stent gives him some relief. 83 is not old - my friends' Mum will be 86 next month - she is in total denial about her age - she still thinks she can do all the things she did 20 years ago and gets very worried when she can't!!!!!!!!!!! My Dad was my best friend and when he died at the tender age of 63 from prostate cancer, I thought I would never be able to stop crying, so I understand your feelings. Have a good sleep tonight and remember there are lots of us on this site who you can talk to.

Re: Withdrawing from the world

chris_martin — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:04:14 GMT

Hi Cats. Yeah my dad ismy best friend also and he also had prostate cancer as well as oesophageous but I'm not sure he is telling me the whole truth. Even though I have 2 brothers (1 is an interstate truck driver and siops in to see dad whenever he can but other one only lives 1hr drive away and never goes to visit) I know dad is worried about how I am going to cope once he has gone but he keeps telling me he has years to go (which I know he hasn't). I ring him every day and I hope that makes him feel better and am going up there in 2 weeks but just wish he would move down with me but my dr says don't push him so I won't. Just so hard when close family can't see my side of things. I will try to sleep tonight and thank god for all you wonderful people. Wish I had found this site ages ago. Take care. Chris

Re: Withdrawing from the world

tkay0207 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:17:33 GMT

Hi All, My god!!!!! It's all I can find the words to say at the moment. I have so much to say and I have so many feelings but I just cannot find the words to express them. But everything I have read on this site is EXACTLY how I actually feel or want to say. I am tripping over myself and my mind is going in overdrive, thinking.... "yes, that's it. That's how I feel. That's what I wanted to say". You guys are all so wonderful. For many years since my husband's diagnosis, I used to sit and ponder about so many things but just cannot make sense of them all because no one would understand and/or listen. I now feel so relieved that I was not in fact crazy. This site have helped me heal and become stronger. It has helped me smile again even if it's just in the tiniest little bit. I drove past the Gold Coast Hospital this morning (my husband passed away here) and you know what?? For once I did not freak out, scream or cry. Thank you all. Keep talking/writing and I will keep reading. Good luck to everyone out there affected by cancer. I am always thinking of each and everyone of you and sending lots of hugs and kisses and gentle thoughts of "just called to say Hello and see how you're doing". Veronica xx

Re: Withdrawing from the world

chris_martin — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 10:58:06 GMT

Hi there tkay. I know how you feel. I have only joined this website today but wish I had found it ages ago. I feel so bad that I am complaining about my dad who is still here but hasn't got long to go when so many of you have children/husbands/wives with cancer who are a lot worse off than me and I feel for you all SO much but I know this is a personal thing and I can't see a life for me without my dad in it even though I have 2 great kids and 4 beautiful grandkids. You take care Veronica and your story helped me so much xx Chris

Re: Withdrawing from the world

Jules2 — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:18:46 GMT

Hi Chris Apologies for my tardy reply. 🙂 I hope you managed to get some sleep after unloading a bit on here. It is a great site and just makes us all feel a little better knowing we arent abnormal in our feelings and thoughts. Julie xo

Re: Withdrawing from the world

chris_martin — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 08:02:20 GMT

Hi Julie. I did get a bit of sleep last night but this morning I received the package from Cancer Council and included was a relaxation CD. I laid down and played it and fell asleep for 5 hrs - I must have really needed sleep!!!! Yes this site is so amazing and as I have said before I feel somewhat guilty as I have my dad here (who knows for how long) and others have lost loved ones. At least I now have somewhere where I can share my thoughts and get support. Even though my family love me and my dad to bits somehow they think I'm crazy to be grieving while he is still here. A big part of that grief for me is the fact that he is so far away and I can't see him every day. I do phone every night but when I get off the phone I feel so upset. If it feels this bad now what will it be like when he goes!! I can't think about it but I do. And dad is so so positive and I know he is worried about how I will cope. Thanks for listening and take care. Chris xo