topic Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ? in Coping with a loved one's cancer

How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 01:06:24 GMT

Hi there

I am looking for some tips I suppose from other who have experienced the same.

Hubby of 40 years has been given bad news and we have been advised to get our affairs in order.

I am in the process of doing this and it is very rough - so clinical and raw. Plus I am seeing hubby go down hill quickly and he is sooo sad . He constantly worries about everything.

We have had the pallative care nurse here and although he is not in pain yet I am concerned. Watching all this unfold is difficult to say the least.

I am getting as much help and support as I can but it is so damn hard !!!!

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 06:48:26 GMT

Hello @mrsvicki We will find out what the prognosis for my husband of 36 years looks like next week following some concerning features on his staging scan (booked for MRI next week) but I suspect the outlook will be poor.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Kingfisher — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 01:34:12 GMT

Hi There Mrsvicki, I hope to help you by sharing what I do to try to care for my husband as well as I can, however it is so damn hard, you are right about that. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago, but was given terminal diagnosis in January. The only way I could initially cope was to manage all the concrete things I could, I contacted a financial planner, got insurance sorted, redid our wills, got quotes for funeral, established a record of all details about our home such as how to operate the pool filter, all the things my husband did. That helped me cope, getting everything in order so I would not have those worries when he required all of my attention and care. This sounds cold I know but it was practical. We have 3 teenagers to care for too so I felt being organised was important. After a time I fell in a heap and realised I had to take some care of myself so I went to a counsellor and tried to follow the advice I was given to get a massage or a haircut every now and again, this is important and really works. Caring for someone you love is bloody hard, but like the air stewardess’ tell us when they give the safety talk on the plane, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help anyone else. The changes in our relationship, for me have been difficult. I ring the cancer council help line often and chat and this helps. Overall I educate myself as much as I can about each stage of his cancer and the impact on him and possible impact on the family. Also we have had a counsellor come to the house and talk to us about dying. Speaking these words and sharing our fears was helpful and in a way have us some peace. I am not sure where you are but I approached the Karuna organisation in Brisbane and am so glad I did. The support has been phenomenal. I was very worried about my husbands mental health and spoke to his palliative care tea, a bout this and they gave him medication to assist him. You can have appointments by yourself with your doctor, and discuss your concerns. Take care. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. I’m sorry my post sound clinical and cold I’m only sharing what works for me. All the best.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 06:43:29 GMT

Sending best wishes

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 06:50:45 GMT

Focusing on what we can do is often how we cope @Kingfisher and we do need to be realistic and not bury our head in the sand, with three teenagers relying on you it is worthwhile doing whatever you can that will make life easier for you down the track.

When the time comes I will not be getting any insurance payout and currently work part time (I get the carer payment as my husband has other conditions) but have to face the reality that when the time comes things will be tight and I will likely have to go on Newstart.

Am hearing about hairdresser appts being delayed (my last one was months overdue) and doing those little self care things for ourselves is important.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 06:52:29 GMT

thankyou @Kingfisher , this is exactly what I needed to read.

I have completed all the required tasks which I agree are necessary but make it all the more real as sometimes you think you are living a dream and you will wake up!!

I am concerned about his mental health as he is stressing out about the most littlest of things eg ant rid getting damp - this is his way of being my husband I know as he has always done all the practical things around the house & is worried he is leaving me with unfinished tasks to manage.

No matter how much reassuring I do he still worries.

We have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow so I am going to request some calming medication as I said to him just a while ago if you don't calm down you will have a heart attack.

Have organised for this week 2 lots of organisation that can help with chores & a 'Gary sitter' so I can go out and have a massage, get chores done etc. Also a medi alert is coming Tuesday.

It is so overwhelming and exhausting - patience has to be in abundance.

I will as always continue to help him on this final journey as much as I can.

Appreciate your reply x

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 06:55:56 GMT

Hi @Anonymous - a lot of adjustments to be made in our lives, now and into the future when they have gone.

We have no choice but to live this journey and do the best we can xxx

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Kingfisher — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 07:57:30 GMT

Dear Mrsvicki it is overwhelming and exhausting and sometimes by just saying so helps. My USB and was given antidepressants and that really helped him, he was also given Valium for nights when panic attacks began to occur but he hasn’t taken that as yet. I had a good conversation with palliative care nurses on the phone and that helped me. My heart goes out to you. My husband has moments when he is like the old guy I knew and is in control, but then in the next minute I am in charge of everything, this is tricky but understanding his need to still be the ‘man of the house’ and then watching him have no control is hard. Sending you much support and warmth.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 11:41:29 GMT

How are you going @mrsvicki ?

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Sat, 02 Jan 2021 00:10:53 GMT

Thank you @Anonymous for reaching out, much appreciated.

We have reached some milestones et Christmas & new Year as hubby did not think he would make it.

Now he has pain management under control ( a bit of a challenge as he is very stoic). See what 2021 has in store for us.

I have been doing a lot of self care & have found wonderful local services, meditation apps etc.

Also a facebook group called caring for husbands with cancer, I think I found reference to it on this site but not 100% sure. Anyways I joined to group and the women on there are amazing & what I am thinking and feeling is normal and expected.

So all of the above is helping be stay calm while on this journey so I can help hubby more get through this.

Again thank you & hope all is going ok with you - kind regards

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Jan 2021 05:13:05 GMT

Pain an issue for my husband too @mrsvicki , hubby is booked in to see a pain specialist next week and I am hoping that they will be able to better pinpoint cause and offer something that will bring relief and will result in us both in being able to sleep better.

I am pretty good at the personal self care side of things and am in contact with Carers Australia, seeing what practical services they will be able to provide as my husband's condition deteriorates (this was done via the Carer Gateway). As I will need to look at getting back into the workforce later on I have also accessed available supports through "Your Caring Way" and am thinking about doing a free course that they offer, have already done a short course on updating ones resume.

I have joined a pancreatic cancer caregiver support group and that has been helpful too.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Patches — Sun, 17 Jan 2021 06:14:14 GMT

After being a fairly healthy man who for previous few weeks had been told he was suffering with gastro in October 2019 my late husband was admitted to hospital through Emergency as initial scan found blood clot in one lung. This news stunted me but part of me said there was other health issues. After 3 days in hospital he was sent home and about 1 week later we were told the horrid news ....... he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer with life expectancy 4 to 18 months. First few days after diagnosis I spent lots of times in tears. He was 53, I was 48 and we had been together as a couple for approx 7 years, married for 4 years..... prior to meeting him I had been single rest of my life. At first I felt devastated that here was a wonderful man who had made so many plans for our life together and that this future was being stolen too quickly. I ended up taking approx 2 months leave from work.

we went to funeral director doing prepaid funeral. We went to lawyers and did new wills. My late husband took out funeral insurance in hope he lived more than 12months. There was no emotions involved with these things, we knew they needed to be done and my late husband wanted to do as much as possible whilst he was fairly healthy.

after having some chemo treatments and arrangements put in place forbid to spend each working day with a member of his family, in early 2020 I returned to work. My late husband wanted as much of life to continue as it had for as long as possible. Chemo caused various infections plus the usual side effects, combination of both Oncology staff advised were having negative impacts on him. After being back at work forapprox 2 mths I took more leave and didn’t return to work until after he passed away.

i run a lot on nervous tension and adrenaline for last 3 mths of his life. My main focus was to try to get him as happy as possible. We had help from 2 different palliative care teams, one team was amazing to deal with and provided us both some one to talk to. We talked about him dying, hardest part to deal with was hearing him talking about his fears about dying and begging his mum to come and take him home ....... his mum had died from cancer approx 6 years earlier. We talked about where he wanted to be at the end as I felt that was important.

I returned to work few days after his funeral as knew that would have been what he wanted plus, for me, I knew I needed to start to live the next stage of my life quickly

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Patches — Sun, 17 Jan 2021 06:21:49 GMT

Hi Darcy, it is good to hear that you have been support groups in your area and that you have been able to join them. Thinking back to early 2020 when my husband was still alive I did not take time out for me.

hoping you are able to receive some practical support to help you and your husband as that can take pressure of you both.

my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer mid October 2019 and passed away late April 2020. Happy to chat anytime

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Jan 2021 12:01:00 GMT

Thanks @Patches sending ever so tender thoughts your way.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Patches — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 00:10:56 GMT

I know I am gradually healing and that it will take time.

Thank you for your kind words

Thinking of you - always happy to chat

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

ActuariesDiseas — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 15:09:24 GMT

It is so nice to hear some of your thoughts. I am very sorry for what happened.

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Patches — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 20:38:58 GMT

some things I learnt due during the last 14 months

- ask lots of questions and keep asking questions

- take some time away from the situation for one self and do something just for one self

- never let medical trained staff make all the decisions, especially when not happy with those decisions

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 12:24:44 GMT

How are you going @mrsvicki

Re: How have wives dealt with dying husband ?

mrsvicki — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 01:09:30 GMT

Hi Darcy - saw your post and then just remembered

Going ok I think, he had a PET scan and has a hookup next week to see if suitable for PRRT at Peter Mac in Melbourne.

The emotional roller coaster continues as have just had 4 days of bad pain but has turned a corner this morning and is outside watering the garden.

Thank you so so for checking in - how are you going