topic Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Wed, 31 Mar 2021 11:02:17 GMT

Hi, I’m new to the group. I simply need to talk to someone that may have the same situation as I’m in.

Recently my wife has been diagnosed with bile duct cancer. And it was one of our kids that told me the shocking news.
I felt numb, useless, and an utter sadness that simply is unexplainable.

My exwife simply hates everything about me, that I am the worse, selfish, liar she ever met. Like I never existed,

But before our world came crumbling down. She wasn’t like that.

I’m at a lost, not knowing what’s going on. And our kids won’t divulge info as well.

It’s hard, very hard.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

sch — Thu, 01 Apr 2021 11:15:30 GMT

Hi,

Thanks for writing up about this.

Look, to be honest, I don't think that there is a great deal that you can do.

Maybe you could ask the children to pass on a message that you are thinking of her and that you are there if she wants to talk/vent. The next step is up to her.

Just bear in mind that the fact that your children won't discuss this with you isn't their fault. They have to abide by your wife's wishes no matter their thoughts or feelings on the matter.

Best of luck!

-s

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Thu, 01 Apr 2021 21:38:07 GMT

Hi Sch,

At the moment that’s all I been doing. I try not to overwhelm her and the kids by calling and messaging too much.

I told them that I will be here for them when they need me.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

MyheroCoolSpy — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 12:40:55 GMT

Did she already responded? Let your existence be known to her.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Tue, 06 Apr 2021 19:56:07 GMT

Hi Mycoolspy,

We are finally talking and I’m able to see her and the kids, as long as we don’t talk about anything to do with her condition.

Me, the kids and the rest of the family are simply doing what she wishes.

I know it’s extremely hard for her to accept what is going on, but we as a family are hoping that things will change for the better.

We just have to be strong.

Regards

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

MyheroCoolSpy — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 13:38:46 GMT

That's good to hear. Yes, the key is to be brave and not to show weakness in front of her. Sending my hugs for her! Don't give up, everything is possible when you believe.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 15:18:15 GMT

I have to be strong for the kids sake, I don’t show any emotions when I’m with them. We don’t even talk about their moms condition. It’s a way to get their mind out of that situation. Since they are with her all the time.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Budgie — Fri, 09 Apr 2021 01:39:53 GMT

Hi @Exhusband021404 ,

It's OK for you to show your emotions in front of your kids, & anyone else for that matter. Sometimes crying is a great medicine. Regarding not talking about your wife's illness with your kids - I think that's a mistake. They might have questions they don't feel comfortable asking their mum, and talking things thru is a fantastic therapy.

My eldest sister died of breast cancer after suffering for 11 years. She left behind a husband & 5 kids. During the 11 years that she was ill, she never spoke to her kids about what was happening - she was just sick. After she died, her eldest boy, who was 18 at the time, turned to alcohol. He said to me once that the biggest regret he had was the family didn't talk about her illness, even after she died. Nothing was explained to them. Its been 17 years since she died now, & the family is just starting to reconcile. You may think the kids won't understand or want to talk about their mum, but even young kids will understand if you talk things thru in a language they can relate to. And be honest with them.

I hope your wife recovers - best wishes.

Budgie

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Fri, 09 Apr 2021 02:05:23 GMT

Hi Budgie,

I was pretty emotional when I found out my exwife was diagnosed. It really hit me hard, so as my son. My daughter on the other hand, basically accepted the facts and what might happen.

I did try to talk to both of them heart to heart, but they simply shut me down, and doesn’t want to talk about. It’s because their mum doesn’t want me to know.

I told them that whatever your mum wants, we should all do it for her.

I did tell my kids that if they need to talk or whatever, I’ll be there for them. And not to bottle up their emotions. The last time I saw them, they seemed ok and acting normally with me.

I’m doing okay now, slowly going back to a bit of normality. I just have keep going, be there for my kids, and stay strong.

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Livingwithhope — Sun, 23 May 2021 12:57:08 GMT

Absolutely, I totally agree!🙂💕

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Livingwithhope — Sun, 23 May 2021 13:12:23 GMT

I can relate to what your saying!🙂 My ex has got serious cancer too, and it feels like my goodwill to reach out and be supportive is only seen through his eyes of anger and resentment. It's almost like the anger is part of the condition. It's doubly sad, as I saw he was sick 8 months ago, and was unable to encourage him to see a doctor due to his anger about anything I said.

I'm glad you have manages to establish some mutual goodwill and connection with your whole family now ( according to your later posts). I'm still working on it!

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Sun, 23 May 2021 13:38:03 GMT

My exwife passed away May 1st

it was hard, very hard

im coping and being strong for my kids

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Budgie — Sun, 23 May 2021 20:24:40 GMT

I'm very sorry to hear that @Exhusband021404 . You & your children have my deepest condolences.

💙💐

Budgie

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Mon, 24 May 2021 12:42:41 GMT

Thank you so much, me, the kids and family are still coping with loss my exwife.

The hard part is the kids have changed, different, and just doesn’t want to go to school.

It’s like their throwing away their moms hopes and dreams for them.

I’m just at a lost

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Budgie — Mon, 24 May 2021 23:50:44 GMT

@Exhusband021404 , a parents death will change a child, especially if they're young.

Perhaps you could arrange some counselling for your kids. It sounds like they need to get some coping mechanisms & to just unload all their pain. I hope you all can find some peace soon.

Take care of yourself

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Tue, 25 May 2021 11:58:45 GMT

The kids just turned 17, few months ago. They are twins, boy & girl.
And yes they have changed, sometimes I think it’s for the worse, but I’m giving them time.
They are still grieving the loss of their beloved mother. I will give them time, to process everything.

Finally they went to school today, and the school councillor made time to speak to my daughter. Hopefully it helped.

But we’ll see, time will tell

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Livingwithhope — Tue, 25 May 2021 11:59:46 GMT

I'm so sorry to hear that! So sad for her, for you, for the kids. I'm sure she wanted to fight this disease so hard it made her constantly angry. As if being sick was a failing, a slur on her being able to be on top of things. That's how it seemed to be for my ex. He fought so hard, so uncomplainingly, stoically. And he didn't want sympathy or help or support (other than the doctors and staff).

Sadly, he too has passed away yesterday, the 24th of May, in ICU, 6 days after surgery.💔💧

My tears are the worst for his stoic struggle, the hope and fear and suffering in his eyes, the relentless pain that he has so long endured. Like an animal caught in a trap no longer trying to escape, as that brings only more pain. I felt for him so deeply.

I do appreciate and respect the doctors and staff for their warmth and help and support and expertise. But you have to wonder are we on the right track, in our approach using radio/chemo/surgery for cancer.

I watched him get tortured to death in order to have a chance to get better. Both by the disease and the treatment.

Medicine is constantly inventing new approaches and technology. Perhaps we need to declare chemo/radio/(with or without) surgery as unacceptable, to speed up the search for more holistic and benign methods🌞💔🧡

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Livingwithhope — Tue, 25 May 2021 12:06:15 GMT

I just read your more recent post. It's hard on the site to let someone know which post you are replying it. I was offering my condolences for the passing of you exwife🧡

The kids will come good, it just takes time

Re: Exwife diagnosed with cancer

Exhusband021404 — Wed, 26 May 2021 02:31:46 GMT

My exwife didn’t stand a chance, all her vital organs was failing her. That is way, she has no treatment.

It saddens me thought that my kids are not the same anymore after she passed away.

it is my worry at the moment, the mental welfare of my kids.