topic Husband angry and upset in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Husband angry and upset

Juleforti — Sun, 20 Jun 2021 13:41:01 GMT

My husband has been diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer, metastasised to lymph nodes and liver. He is so angry and keeps pushing me away, 🥺🥺 any advice? No

Re: Husband angry and upset

Budgie — Mon, 21 Jun 2021 04:28:49 GMT

Hi @Juleforti ,

Your hubby is understandably angry at having cancer, but he has no right to be angry with or at you. Is he on any chemo? Some people get angry as a side effect from the chemo they're on, which could be the case with your hubby. Try researching the side effects of his particular chemo. If so, you could ask his onc to reduce the dosage, if possible. Some people just become bitter because it's them with the cancer - why is it them & not someone else? So they lash out at the people/person(s) they love. Make him aware he's doing it - he may not actually realise that he's being angry. Tell him to stop, he has no right to take it out on you. Suggest counselling for him - it wouldn't hurt you to have some either. Talking is one of the best ways of dealing with cancer & the effects it has on everyone around you.

I hope things improve for you. Take care.

Budgie

Re: Husband angry and upset

Juleforti — Mon, 21 Jun 2021 05:06:37 GMT

Thanks Budgie, he's on his second round of chemo I didn't know this could be a side effect. I will do some research and also see if I can convince him to talk to someone.

Thanks Jule

Re: Husband angry and upset

Budgie — Mon, 21 Jun 2021 07:48:56 GMT

I hope things work out for you.

Cheers 🙂

Re: Husband angry and upset

Patches — Wed, 23 Jun 2021 08:16:01 GMT

Hi Juleforti, couple of months after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer my late husband used to get quite angry at times. Over time he took more and more of his anger out on me. Nurses in oncology wards were great and explained that a lot of cancer patients get anger for lots of different reasons. Side effects of chemo can cause these reactions as Budgie mentioned. Feelings of not being in control of the situation and feeling scared were 2 reasons my late husband used to get angry.

Having some one independent to talk to can be very helpful and quite often is provided for patient plus family members.

hoping all goes well

Re: Husband angry and upset

Juleforti — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 09:31:03 GMT

Thanks Patches

Re: Husband angry and upset

Susan61 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 01:01:17 GMT

I just read your post and I’m going through the same thing with my husband. He has Stage 4 Lymphoma that is in his brain, liver and spleen. He had brain surgery to remove a large tumor and he still has a smaller one being treated with radiation. He came through brain surgery with no major deficits. He’s so angry that he’s borderline abusive. I can’t do anything right. I’m trying to work my full-time job because I carry the health insurance through my employer and also take care of the house, yard, chauffeuring him to/from appts, manage and make all the appointments, talk to the doctors and keep track and administer meds. I wake up at 5:00 am and go non-stop until about 8:00 - 9:00 pm. His diagnosis was June 10, 2021 and he’s done nothing but push me away and won’t allow me to ask for help from any friend or family member. I feel like he hates me because I didn’t get cancer but he did so I’m being punished. It’s been very difficult to keep my mouth shut and allow the treatment so what I say doesn’t trigger an outburst. He’s not started chemo yet, just radiation so this anger is not induced by treatment. I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted some days and we haven’t even begun the worst part of treatment.

Re: Husband angry and upset

Juleforti — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 01:28:30 GMT

Hi Susan61

Thanks for your reply I can relate to everything you're going through along with three kids who are no help in the mix. It seems like a no win situation for everyone, I find myself being resentful for all I do and if I try and talk about my fears of how I'm scared of losing him and how I will manage financially he gets angry and calls me a traitor and goes on about how I will just forget him and move onto someone new. It's very hurtful and he also doesn't like me to talk about it to my friends and he won't seek help. I know he's scared and feels ripped off but we all are. Hope things improve for you and me. Thanks for reaching out. Jule

Re: Husband angry and upset

Susan61 — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 14:42:04 GMT

It really is a no win situation for everyone. I take things a day at a time. If I tell him “I’m trying to do the best I can”, it triggers an outburst so I have taken the word “try” out of my vocabulary. He says when I use those words I’m making the situation all about me. Hang in there!

Re: Husband angry and upset

Budgie — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 01:44:34 GMT

Hi @Susan61 ,

You said it's been difficult to keep your mouth shut - well perhaps it's time you didn't. He probably is very jealous that he has cancer & you don't. But it's not your fault & he has no right to take it out on you, maybe you should stop walking on eggshells & tell him how it is. He needs to get over his self pity & get on with living. If he put his energy into getting better rather than abusing you, he'd have half the battle won. Stage 4 isn't necessarily a death sentence, & attitude plays a major part in your recovery. Lay down the facts for him, & suggest counselling because it really can help. He has to take the first steps tho, & stop blaming you for his illness.

Stay strong!

All the best to you

Budgie

Re: Husband angry and upset

Susan61 — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 15:31:33 GMT

Thank you Budgie for that boost. You are so right about everything. Yesterday, on our drive to radiation he actually said, “ this is nothing I would wish on a child but, I wish it were you that had cancer and not me.” The grace I give him is that he’s had brain surgery to remove a large tumor and has another one still there that affects speech, personality and some cognitive things. He’s been through open brain surgery and radiation in a span of 3 weeks. But, I do know most of the things he says and does is deliberate and I’m a convenient, 24/7 live-in recipient of his resentment. I’ve already planned a little away time for myself this weekend to remove myself and re-group. Thank you for your words of support. They helped me tremendously.

Re: Husband angry and upset

Budgie — Sat, 10 Jul 2021 11:03:52 GMT

Wow, he actually said that? I'm so sorry.

I hope you enjoy your weekend away. You deserve it!

🌻❤

Budgie

Re: Husband angry and upset

dallarac — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 19:23:58 GMT

My husband is the same. I feel so trapped and exhausted and unappreciated. So sick of the ridiculous narcissistic pity party that is always about him and his cancer and never about the good things left the fact I have rearranged my whole life to care for him and still juggle running my business and still having time with my new and only granddaughter. No matter how much I do it is wrong and not good enough. Then when he gets really sick again and is scared he gets a little better but it never lasts on this roller coaster in hell. I can’t win no matter what I do. The daily fights over his rudeness and disrespect are so horrible, I am so tired of it and him. It is embarrassing as a strong independent woman to have to put up with this sh**. I never get to relax, even at night, he is up at all hours, and evenin a separate room I get woke up and my requests for hiring someone to help fall on deaf, cheap and judgmental ears. Like I should be able to do it all for months on end with no freakin help. #tired#overit

Re: Husband angry and upset

Budgie — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 21:04:56 GMT

Ah, @dallarac , he's punishing you because he has cancer & you don't! You are a strong woman & don't need him. Maybe let him know that occasionally. Just the hint of a threat that you might leave him, might be enough to change him. Although some people will never change. Is he on chemo at the moment?

Budgie

Re: Husband angry and upset

Susan61 — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 22:43:10 GMT

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too, and can totally understand and relate to not feeling appreciated or not being able to do anything right. I remember taking care of my mom when she had terminal pancreatic cancer and she was so graceful and cared more about her family than she did herself. Not my husband. He has no concern about my mental or physical health at all.

I’ve followed the advice from others here and that of my friends and decided enough is enough. I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage when I am putting every ounce of my heart, soul and LOVE in helping him get better. You don’t deserve to be treated the way you’ve been treated.
Yesterday I was told I haven’t done sh*t around the house for 25 years which is absolutely ludicrous. Since he’s had brain surgery/radiation, he’s not steady enough to drive so I take him to every single appointment no matter what time of day it is. I take notes and ask all the questions. I do everything. He doesn’t even know the name of his oncologist. This is how much he depends on me to coordinate everything as if he’s a rock star and all he has to do is show up. Last week we had 5 appointments. My work schedule is constantly being interrupted and some days I’m working extra hours to keep on top of things. Luckily, I got approval to work from home until September so I can make up the time if I need to. My husband won’t let me get help either so I’ve been doing yard work in a very hot climate and it’s been 100-115 degrees here. (I’m in the US). He told me since he’s suffering then I also must suffer. My neighbors are horrified at my being out there and they have offered to help me which I’ve had to turn down. However, yesterday I saw a landscaping truck out yesterday so I approached them and got a card. I’m going to arrange for help whether my husband likes it or not. I bring a good income in from my job and have every right to decide what I can spend our money on. This is not 1950 and he certainly does not get to have financial control.
Finally, yesterday, after making the comment about me not doing anything for 25 years I told him I’d had it with the mean and hateful comments and that this cancer is going to take our marriage if it continues. I told him if he has someone else lined up that can do a better job than what I’m doing, please let me know now and I’ll step aside. The truth is, he has 4 adult children that live here and they’re not knocking down the door to help. I’ve given this man plenty of opportunity to apologize or retract everything nasty and disrespectful he has said to me but he hasn’t and doesn’t plan to. The cancer diagnosis was devastating enough but to have a husband that wished I had cancer instead was like a stab through my heart. When I look at him all I see is someone who wouldn’t be sad if I died and I have to wonder, when treatment is over, will I even be able to stay married to him. It’s such an awful feeling.
Just take each day as it comes but please do not let your husband torture you any longer. You did not give him cancer. He may be the one with it in his body but we, as wives, are deeply affected, too, just in a different way. For our husbands not to see past themselves and offer one iota of appreciation is unacceptable. Please don’t put up with it any longer. Speak up for yourself. Giving you hugs from across the miles. Susan

Re: Husband angry and upset

Timmsy70 — Sun, 18 Jul 2021 09:17:53 GMT

I’m so sorry to hear your story Susan but I can absolutely sympathise with you.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years and sadly in June 2019 he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colorectal cancer. By December 2019 he was in the midst of an “end of life crisis”, decided he didn’t want to be a husband and father anymore (kids are now 21 & 22), got himself a young Asian online girlfriend and started living full time on our boat. He destroyed every aspect of our old life, abused me emotionally, verbally and financially and tried desperately to get his GF into this country (thank God for COVID). Every word of this story is in stark contrast to the devoted, honourable and loyal man I knew for the prior 25 years. And yet through all of this nightmare, I never gave up hope he would come back to us one day. That day arrived in February 2021 when he decided perhaps this new lifestyle was not conducive for someone with terminal cancer. He has returned living at home and is leading a more honest and purposeful life. Unfortunately the angry and abusive guy is always just simmering under the surface and I am the recipient of his anger and abuse. It’s difficult; it’s soul-destroying; it’s stressful; but he’s dying of cancer and my compassion and devotion is greater than his anger. Many say I’m staying with him - maybe I am. But there is also the financial ramifications of leaving him too ... I didn’t work for 30 years in partnership with him to loose half of it to his young Asian GF (who he promises he is no longer in contact with)

To think the man I devoted my entire adult life to could treat me like this in his dying days is something I just find so difficult to reconcile. After reading posts in this group, it is not uncommon but my situation is extreme.

Re: Husband angry and upset

Beanz2020 — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 03:28:48 GMT

I’m glad I found this thread as I’m going through a similar situation.

After 30 years of marriage it’s a bit of a shock to be treated with such disregard since my husband’s diagnosis. My husbands personality has definitely changed, It makes me question my whole marriage. I often wonder who he actually is. I know for sure that if the roles were reversed I would not be getting the support and care that I’m giving him.

I guess the best thing going forward is to work at not being bitter and angry for our own mental health 🌻

Re: Husband angry and upset

Juleforti — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 05:17:09 GMT

I agree, I try not to take it personally but it's like waking up and my normally strong dependable husband had been replaced by this sick, mean, self centred stranger. I know this is horrible but the thought of this dragging on for years is inconceivable. Thank God for my friends.

Re: Husband angry and upset

Susan61 — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 05:37:09 GMT

@Timmsy70 Wow, this really is extreme behavior and I’m so sorry you are going through this. As far as people saying that your staying with him, I say they haven’t walked in your shoes. You have a lot of valid reasons to stay and I wouldn’t give up 30 years of accumulated assets either. I hope you are able to get yourself out of the house to get a break from it all. Despite all of the horrible words thrown at me, I wouldn’t leave my husband in the middle of his cancer treatment because that’s just cruel. I know he needs my help. My hope is that one day the anger and bitterness subsides. Please take care of yourself.

Re: Husband angry and upset

Alwk — Sat, 24 Jul 2021 09:55:39 GMT

This online support is so comforting as I am in a similar situation my husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer in April and has had complications with first chemo treatment and has been in incredible pain to go with all the other chemo side effects. He is really positive and nice a pie to chemo nurses and they all love him, but his mood swings are unbearable. It has been so hard to start a new job that is high stress, take on his issues and try to be there for a teenage boy with severe anxiety and depression. I am on a roller coaster and not coping with all the stress but knowing so many other are going through a similar experience really does help.
So good to know I’m not alone.