topic Re: Looking for advice in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Looking for advice

Jon — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 10:57:42 GMT

Hello to whoever finds the time to read this.

I'm posting here, looking perhaps for some guidance or advice.

My wife's ovarian cancer has recurred after a 4 year remission. It spread to her omentum and she's just had surgery and will soon commence chemotherapy.

I'm terrified. For her and for our son. For our life together.

From what I understand, this is a fatal disease over a long enough time frame. It is effectively incurable.

The dread this fills me with is overwhelming.

I am trying to remain calm and positive. I'm trying to provide her with the support and stability she needs. I'm trying to reassure my son that everything will be ok. He's only 7.

But I'm so scared. My thoughts keep straying to dark places. I'm haunted by the idea of losing her. Of watching my son lose her.

I feel helpless.

Please, if you've experienced something like this, how can I cope? What should I tell my son? How can I protect him? How can I remain positive for my wife?

Thank you if you find the time to respond.

Re: Looking for advice

sch — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 13:12:33 GMT

Hi @Jon ,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's illness.

Being terrified in these situations is perfectly normal. Everybody is.

You said "from what I understand, this is a fatal disease over a long enough time frame".

Just to start the obvious, but everything is fatal over a long enough time frame. Try not to assume the worst case if you don't have the facts.

Is this what the doctors/surgeons. have told you? If not, ask them directly.

I'm not trying to suggest you wife isn't ill, but it can all be over whelming, and sometimes we can just forget to ask the right questions of the doctors/surgeons.

How old is your son? When I was diagnosed with cancer we had a relatively direct conversation with my primary school aged children.

thanks,

Re: Looking for advice

Tonia — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 12:22:48 GMT

I am sorry to read your post. You have described my feelings exactly as I am going through the same except with my husband being recently diagnosed. My children are older and I just told them the truth. I also told them that we don't know timeframes because we do not know how he will respond to the treatments. It is helping me to try to think only of today and trying to focus on just getting through each day.

Re: Looking for advice

Wegotthis — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 13:27:22 GMT

Tino and Jon

Thanks for your post and reply.

I'm so thankful that it's me with cancer and not my wife. We are very fortunate that our 4 kids are in their 30's. I haven't been able to talk to them for over a month now. I know that if we talk they will start crying and then I'll start to cry. For some stupid reason I feel if they see me crying it's a sign of weakness.

I honestly believe cancer is harder on the people who loves someone with it.

There are times now that things my wife says or does that makes me mad. Before I had cancer I would have thought differently about it. I don't allow myself to get upset at her because she means well.

My only advice I can offer is please don't take anything personally if your loves act out.

I honestly don't mind dieing. I just wish at times I was alone and didn't have to see the pain my family is going through.

My Aunt Sandy has always been the strong female family leader. The other day she became speak less because she started crying over me. I freaking hate this part of cancer..

Re: Looking for advice

Jon — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 03:37:39 GMT

Thanks for your reply.

The doctors have made it clear that the disease will continue to return. Clear cell ovarian carcinoma is essentially not curable once it recurs.

It responds poorly to chemotherapy.

It is now about time frames. We may get 5 years, but statistically, that is unlikely.

My son is 7. He's very young. He's a sensitive, caring kid. At the moment he just knows that mummy is sick. He has no idea how sick at this stage.

I am scared to tell him. He's so young.

Re: Looking for advice

Jon — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 03:40:40 GMT

Thanks for your reply. I try to stay busy, and keep my mind occupied. Then sometimes it just hits me like a wave. It often happens after we return from the hospital.

It floors me.

I'm trying to find some philosophical way of dealing with it. It's just that I thought we'd have more time.

Re: Looking for advice

Jon — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 04:00:48 GMT

I'm sorry to hear that mate.

It's so tough.

Honestly my wife is amazing. Still positive, still resilient. Despite everything, she forges ahead.

I have to stay strong and so far in front of her I have. I have held back the tears and pain from her because she doesn't want pity.

But inside my heart is broken into a million pieces.

I hope you manage to find the space to talk to your kids. When you're ready.

Re: Looking for advice

stirling — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 03:04:45 GMT

Hi Jon,

thanks for sharing your story. I sincerely hope things work out for you and your family. I have two girls and I find them extremely resilient, it amazes me. There is a number on the top right of the screen. I have had reason to call it a few times when I didn't know what the next steps should be. The people on the phones are extremely professional and you can go at you own pace, divulge however much you want to share with total discretion.

Sincerely, Stirling

Re: Looking for advice

KatWat — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 02:35:07 GMT

Hi Jon

Like you my partner also has ovarian cancer, diagnosed in 2013 at which time it had already spread to her omentum. Like your wife my partner is also amazing, resilient and I am constantly in awe of her positivity. Although we don't have children I completely understand where you are at, it completely floors me at times too, yes mostly when I get back home form the hospital and am faced with an empty house. Lately I have using the Smiling Mind app, and breathing exercises to just settle myself when the anxiety gets too much.

We have been lucky, if you can call it that, we have always had a surgical options but she is again in hospital post surgery for a bowel obstruction and we have now been told that there are no futrther surgical options for her. Its so hard to stay strong at times, but don't be so hard on yourself, you are obviously doing a great job. My partner and I have resolved to deal with it together even if that means ocassionally falling apart in front of each other, sometimes you just need to do that, and it's not about pity, it's just part of the shitty rollercoaster ride. My partner tells me she thinks its much harder for me as the person who will be left behind, so you need support too. I know it sounds cliche but sometimes it really is just about coping one day at a time (sometimes minute by minute), taking the wins where you can get them, having fun and enjoying the time you spend with your wife and son.

you have probably seen these but if not it has some advice:

https://www.cancer.org.au/assets/pdf/talking-to-kids-about-cancer-a-guide-for-people-with-cancer-their-families-and-friends

https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/cancer-information/for-family-and-friends/talking-to-kids-about-cancer/#Whenyoucanttalkaboutcancer

Re: Looking for advice

Wegotthis — Thu, 25 Nov 2021 14:26:37 GMT

KatWat

Great reply. It makes me even more thankful that I'm the one with cancer and not my wife.

I don't tell her enough about how much I appreciate all she has done for me even before we found out about me.

I 100% agree with your wife that cancer is harder on the people who loves the one with it. As a husband I have always made sure to protect my wife and family for harm and pain. Especially my wife. I can't handle seeing her cry. The only thing I ask her to do is not to cry in front of me because of what is happening. So she's crying behind closed doors and it kills me that I can't stop her pain and worries. For some stupid reason I can't get over not having my family seeing me cry.

The best I can do for them is to stay positive and happy. I'm hoping this will turn into a positive life experience for my family by watching me handling this. I believe me having cancer is going to be a blessing for us no matter how it goes.

I'm very fortunate that our 4 adults children are amazing. I have a great chance at beating this. But if not our oldest son is more than capable of being the family leader. My wife well be taken care of.

My heart hurts for you. The thought of not having my wife around is more painful than having to deal with everything that comes with cancer...

I'm glad to see that you are there for her. I have read stories about people leaving others because of health issues. I just don't understand how someone can do it...

God bless you for being a true husband to your wife.

I have prayed many times that my wife will out live me even if it's one day. There's no way I can do everything she does and work a full time job.

Wife's are definitely a gift from God and we husband should treat them like it...

Re: Looking for advice

Vern — Tue, 07 Dec 2021 17:36:04 GMT

Hi Jon

My name is Vern

My wife was diagnosed 2 years ago with triple negative breast cancer. So far, she has been through 2 chemo treatments, chemo pills, radiation and surgery. She is now in her 3rd chemo treatment with a new drug. So far, we have only negative results from pet scans. A blood test turned up positive. Like you I’m scared to death. It feels like I’m being punched in the stomach every day. I haven’t missed any of her appointments. I have reassured her no matter what happens she will never be alone. I feel helpless and powerless . Theirs nothing I can do accept get her the best medical care available which I’ve done. We’ve been married 25 years. I’ve done my best to give her the best life I could. I understand and feel what your going through. Every day feels like yesterday, every thought hurts somehow. I have support from friends but theirs only so much they can offer. I can’t do anything about the cancer. If I could I would take it from her in a second. I would sacrifice everything for her to be cancer free. She’s in gods hands and I have to accept it no matter what. We’re in the medical world now and the only thing we can do is hope. Hope for new drug or something. I have many friends who have lost their spouses 6 of them. They have all moved on to someone new and have managed to get their lives back. That gives me hope. It’s not not what I want but I want to keep living. This is what I told one my my friends who just lost his wife. No matter what she will always be in your heart and theirs nothing or nobody can do take that from you. I doesn’t mean you can’t share your heart with someone else if you choose to, it just means she owns that place in your heart and you will never give that up. I’m with you.

Vern

Re: Looking for advice

Suzie2022 — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 04:14:30 GMT

I’m going through the same feelings of helplessness, sadness, and fear that you have mentioned because my only sister has been diagnosed with AML, which has a poor survival rate. I spend some of my time crying but always try to hope and pray for her recovery. I have to remember that we aren’t born with expiration dates and we don’t know when we will die, but to live our lives day to day, coping and supporting each other. Talk to someone who is positive and understanding. It really helps to lean on others and talk about your feelings. You have honest emotions that need to be shared.

Re: Looking for advice

stirling — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 08:14:56 GMT

Hi Susie,

thanks for posting. Yes, all your feelings are indeed valid and seem totally appropriate to me. Sorry to hear about your sister. AML is indeed nasty. There are times when I feel very upset and really dont know my next step, seems anything I want to do just isnt worth it, why bother. Thankfully this doesn't last long.

Recently I caught a reflection of myself and realised how sick I look reality was about to drag me down until I walked into the sunshine and saw the huge river and heard all the birds sqwarking and singing, nature has such a positive effect with me. There's no doubt your sister needs your love now, use your time, just being with her is valuable. Its my belief that conversation doesnt need to be too deep, about the past, the things your sorry about or anything too serious. Simply being with her at a difficult time will help you both feel ok.