topic Re: Christmas Countdown in Coping with a loved one's cancer

Christmas Countdown

sammycat — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:32:16 GMT

My first Christmas without my beautiful mum, my best friend. It's coming up to the Christmas Season. I enter this month with many mixed emotions. One minute im up and all is well and the next im down and sobbing all over the christmas presents I wrap and the cards I write. I decided not to trim up for christmas this year as this was something my mum and I did together. I would drag mum to David Jones every week starting from when the christmas stuff went out to start buying trimmings for the tree, I have that many now that I wonder how it stays up. I remember her saying I don't think you need anymore Julie and I would laugh and the next week we would be back buying more. I remember absolutely sweating cooking christmas turkey and making mince pies together. Mum would stay up all night to cook the turkey and still manage to go to work on christmas day. My how I admire her strength. Now i wonder what will Christmas day hold for me? I will be waking up in what was mine and mums home, alone on christmas morning. Ordinarily I would be so excited and we would sit together in my room or mums and exchange gifts and cuddles. We would then shoot off to her dads (my grandfathers) and exhange gifts there before I would drop her off to work. Nearly nine months since I saw her beautiful face and got to kiss her for one last time. I still ask why her? When does it get easier? Behind all this I manage to keep going but still fall in a heap at times. The only thing that keeps me going is my mums words before she passed, I love you more than the world and it will get easier in time as well as telling me over the 14 months, Please don't cry! Im afraid I haven't kept to the last part but try my best to make her proud all though at times I stumble I will always try and get back up and show the same strength that she showed through out her life.

Re: Christmas Countdown

Jules2 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:38:52 GMT

Hi sammycat I lost my father about 9 years ago on boxing day. Christmas has never really been the same since. Time does heal and will think of you this christmas and send you some strength to get through it. Dont forget to remember the good times you had together, even though they will be tinged with some sadness. :) Thinking of you. Julie

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grinzo59 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:00:26 GMT

hi there, i just lost my husband to gallbladder cancer on friday and i am not sure how i am going to get through christmas let alone the funeral on wednesday, people say time will heal but i don't think i will ever be the same love janene

Re: Christmas Countdown

grinzo59 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:00:44 GMT

Re: Christmas Countdown

grinzo59 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:01:21 GMT

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grinzo59 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:02:41 GMT

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Jules2 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 10:03:42 GMT

hi there janene My heart goes out to you and i will send positive thoughts and energy to you for wednesday. hugsss julie

Re: Christmas Countdown

sammycat — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:08:50 GMT

Hi Janene My heartfelt sympathies to you and your family. Yes, life is never the same once our loved ones receive the diagnosis. I have many beautiful memories but I also have many memories that I wish I could forget. Maybe the good ones will push those away over time. You will find the strength to get through the funeral on Wednesday and the love and support from family and friends will also help you through. I remember mums funeral like it was yesterday. I didn't think I was going to be able to walk, my legs felt like jelly and I really didn't think I was going to make it through. I remember feeling like I was in a cloud of fog and remained feeling like this for a number of months. As I light my candles of rememberance this xmas for my late mother, my late grandmother who I also lost to cancer in 2001, my friend who lost her mother only two weeks ago and to all of those we have lost to Cancer I will say a prayer for you and wish you the strength you need to help you through. Sammycat

Re: Christmas Countdown

sammycat — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 12:51:10 GMT

Hi Julie Thanks for your kinds words. Yes time will heal but while it does coping with the pain and loss some days is unbearable. Today is one of those days that I can't wait for it to be over and wake up tomorrow with (hopefully) a bit more of a positive outlook on the day. Work has always been a good distraction as well as renovating unfortunately when you stop you are left alone with your thoughts and they always go back to the ones we love. Im sure I will make it through christmas day but am dreading waking up in the morning and not seeing her beautiful face and being able to hug her. I spend many days and nights wishing with all my heart that I could just see her face, hear her voice or feel her touch. She was and still is my world. They certainly take a big part of you with them that can never be filled. Sammycat

Re: Christmas Countdown

Mrs_Elton — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 13:14:40 GMT

Hi Sammycat Due to the events of the last week, with the diagnosis of my husband's secondary tumour on the brain, we had a session with a social worker last Thursday. She was very helpful and a really lovely person, reading your entries made me think of something she said to us that one of her 'clients' had done. They made a patchwork quilt out of their loved ones clothing items. It served two purposes, one it was something they could touch and hold and smell and secondly it could be wrapped around them, giving them both warmth and comfort. I am not sure if you have any of your Mum's clothes etc still, I seem to recall that you might, I hope if you do have some, then that might be something you could do to comfort yourself. Maybe if you didn't have any/many of her things, you could take some of your own clothes that were her favourites or that she had bought you and use them. The thought of cutting into them might not appeal, I just thought the blanket was a really nice thought. Sending you strength. Jill.

Re: Christmas Countdown

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:43:22 GMT

Hello sammycat and Julie, this is just the worst time to grieve for lost loved ones. I lost my dearest friend in late November six years ago and that Christmas was a very hollow experience. I do suggest that you let Christmas go and just try to relax. Don't make efforts. People do understand and there is no need to fulfil all the ritual that goes on every Christmas. Perhaps going out to lunch on Christmas day - having booked a table somewhere, makes a huge difference to your feelings. Sometimes after the first one you find you change things around a great deal and keep the special memories separate from the new way of doing things. For now Julie, you have a hard row to hoe. Grief is so difficult to get through and it demands so much of our energy to try and learn to live with and there are many stages of grief to get through too, all you can do is let it all happen and accept it. Sooner or later things begin to lighten and you will find life will pick up again in a different way. All I can suggest is that you get through this year, both of you and then begin to try and celebrate their lives rather than concentrate on their deaths. It is hard to do this at first, but the more you expect to spend each anniversary of their death grieving the more you will hurt. If you can allow that time to pass and instead (later on) celebrate the fact that they were born and you had the joy of knowing them while they were here, you will find your feelings will eventually lighten. I do send you my love and best wishes and hope that this time passes for you quickly. Darki xx

Re: Christmas Countdown

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:56:09 GMT

Oh dear, I got your names mixed up... I meant Janene's loss of her husband last Friday.

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Jules2 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 22:37:59 GMT

Hiya sammycat It sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your mother. :) I do like Jill's comment re the blanket making, it just seems like something that is nice to do and something we can keep forever. My mother has made a family history quilt. It is quite amazing. She put the photo's on her computer and then printed them out on special paper so they could be ironed onto material and then patchworked it all together. I will try and get a picture of it once its all finished. Hope you are feeling a little better today. Julie

Re: Christmas Countdown

Jules2 — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 01:03:44 GMT

Hiya Darki thanks but i have come to terms with my fathers death quite some years ago. I still miss him of course but i am able to think loving thoughts without it burning a great hole in me. 🙂 I hope you have a great christmas and all the best for the new year. My time at the moment is ok, things are trundling along as it is par the course with a cancer gig. No more and no less. :) Take care Julie

Re: Christmas Countdown - Message from Emma G

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 23:36:29 GMT

Hi all A lot of people have contacted me this week concerned about getting a lot of emails from Cancer Connections all of a sudden. What's happened is that people are talking in the Group area Family and Friends. Every time someone replies to Christmas Countdown it's effectively replying to every member of the group. You can turn email notifications off in your profile and you can also leave a group so that you're not receiving all these messages. Thanks Emma G

Re: Christmas Countdown

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 08:35:43 GMT

Its Ditto for me as well.

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Lithgow_Mick — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 21:57:34 GMT

G' Day sammycat, sorry to hear of your loss, I know the feeling only to well. I made a post here earlier this year about my mum having cancer and not expected to leave the hospital, I had many replies ( all TWO of them )My mum passed away on the 6th of April this year. I have had to get over her Birthday in July, and now face Xmas for the 1st time without her. We all use to go to mums for Xmas dinner, this was our tradition. I am still very bitter about her stay in hospital, she was put on Morphine, NOONE will ever convince me otherwise, I believe it was the Morphine that killed her, I'm not stupid, I understand Morphine is for pain management, but I believe she was put on Morphine far to soon. The Morphine slows down your breathing. I have not shed a tear as yet, thats not saying I didnt love my mother dearly, I hate her treating Doctor, and some of the medical staff at the hospital. Apart from imediate family, NOONE gives a shit, life goes on, the sun still shines, the birds still sing, it is you and or your family the grieve or care. Cancer %#^@%$ sucks...................

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Lithgow_Mick — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 21:58:05 GMT

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Karen_Rose — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 02:03:01 GMT

Hi Mick I'm so sorry for your loss. Without knowing all the details, you have said you are not satisfied with your mum's treating doctors. Have you written to the Hospital and/or Doctor expressing your concerns about your mother's treatments? I know it will never bring your mum back, but putting your thoughts in writing to the hospital may give you some answers and possibly peace of mind as to why they treated her with the medication the way they did. Most hospitals have Patient Representatives/Advocates who can assist in tracking down answers to questions regarding treatments etc. Just a thought, Karen

Re: Christmas Countdown

Karen_Rose — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 02:03:26 GMT