topic Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks in Facing end of life

Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Tue, 12 Apr 2022 13:00:00 GMT

Hi all, and a special hello to those who have supported me in the past. I hope everyone is doing well.

Just a quick overview - 9 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 advanced pancreatic cancer and have been fighting it with chemo and radiation. What started as a 4.5cm tumour shrank down to 1.5cm during that time, but a month ago it really fought back. I found out a fortnight ago after they drained nearly two litres of fluid from around my right lung, that it has metastasized and has spread to my liver and my lungs. The oncologist today told me that I have about another four months to live and that my condition was now terminal.

This is actually an interesting thread, because it gives us cancer sufferers the opportunity to share with others our thoughts as the final day approaches. I'm going to jump on here occasionally over the next few months and tell you what I'm thinking. I won't start now, because I've just smoked some weed and my focus is still on the chocolate dessert I just had and whether I should have some more, because trust me, gaining a few pounds is the last thing I'm concerned about at the moment.

Take care all. Stay strong.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Tue, 12 Apr 2022 17:07:03 GMT

FIGHT bro, Fight!! I lost a 33 y.o. sister to pacrestic cancer, you're right, IT SUCKS. Now yours has spread, so which one is most likely to get you first? Focus the fight on that one. I also have recently joined the 'cancer' community (prostate). I find out tomorrow if it has spread. I wish to have the strength physically and emotionally to never ever give up the fight....till the end. Best of Luck.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

LindaG — Wed, 13 Apr 2022 04:28:09 GMT

Hi Colin, glad to hear from you again. I think of you often and wonder about your condition. Such bad news, so sorry 💔! I will keep praying for you, hope you can have peace in your soul. You’ve done amazing with your cancer fight💪! Xx Linda G

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Wed, 13 Apr 2022 09:53:18 GMT

Thanks, BJ, yes it's such a horrible disease. Good luck fighting yours. You've got the right attitude, and I'll send some positive thoughts your way.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Wed, 13 Apr 2022 10:02:04 GMT

Hi, Linda, thanks for that. Yeah it was a bit of a surprise when it spread so quickly at the last minute. But hey, it's not over yet. There's still some fight in this old dog yet. As for peace in my soul, I'm doing okay in that regard, although when I look around me at what's happening in the world, it does make me wonder what the hell's going on with so many other souls out there.

I'll keep posting on this thread to let you know how things are going. And thanks so much again for your comforting words and support. I suppose if it's any consolation, they've put me onto morphine painkillers now, which are kind of fun 🙂

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Thu, 14 Apr 2022 02:11:47 GMT

Hi all, okay well this is interesting, I suppose. Since being told two days ago that I have four months left, my dreams have changed, in that they are continually interrupted by two words that wake me up every time. The two words are 'four months'.

It's hard to explain, but the words are like a reset switch. The connection is obvious, but because I'm asleep, I have no control over when the words will hit me. There's nothing sinister in them, in fact they are innocuous, it's just that they keep jolting me out of dreams.

As I said, I'll keep jotting these things down.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Thu, 14 Apr 2022 15:00:30 GMT

Hey John, hoping you can still live life...watch for Angels , they appear as us. They will guide you and uplift your spirits.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 01:19:25 GMT

Thanks BJ, I'll do that. Many years ago, I saw orbs surrounding me. I was at work, and there were about a dozen of them doing circles around me. I recall feeling calm, but mystified, as well, and after about ten seconds, just as I was about to ask the other workers if they could see them as well, they disappeared.

Over the following few years, I mentioned this incident to a few people. It was an expected result - most seemed understanding, but a few were totally accepting of what I told them. Like many people, I suppose, I refuse to accept that our entire life experiences, all that accumulated energy, just disappear forever when we die. And strangely, despite the sadness I feel for those around me who I hold close, especially my wife, I'm interested in finding out where our souls do go once this vessel we call our body, is discarded.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

LindaG — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 02:21:26 GMT

Hi Colin, I absolutely believe in life after this one that will be so much better! No sickness, pain or crying 🙏🙏! 💕💕 Linda G

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 01:10:01 GMT

It's quite interesting, really. Without any real pain, I am constantly aware of this thing consuming me from the inside, so at this stage I'm getting an understanding of how cancer actually works. It intrudes and disrupts the normal function of things, causing mild cramping along the way, at this stage, anyway, and my guess is that those intrusions will only intensify over the next few months, until, well, you know.

It's not an unbearable pain by any means, but it is the sort of pain that two years ago would have seen me racing off to the docs for some answers. Now, of course, I just accept it for what it is.

On a positive note, I've nearly finished a book I've been working on for over two years. I'm not spruiking it, I just write for fun, but I will point out that impending death does play with your mind quite a bit and that is emerging clearly in the words that I write.

Words are a powerful tool, probably the most powerful there is. Just as they can be of incredible benefit, unfortunately they can start wars, destroy relationships, and people, generally. I need to write to a few people, my family in particular, including my kids from my first marriage. And I'm not talking about emails. I'm talking about genuine, written, hard-copy words on pieces of paper.

For what it's worth, whenever I go to bed it takes me a while to get settled into a good breathing position and I panic a little. But when that sun comes up in the morning, and our cat does her thing and demands attention and food by knocking things off of the shelves, at least I know there is another day ahead, and that makes me feel good.

Enjoy your day, everyone. Whatever it all means, embrace life, and give your friends and family a big hug, just because.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 11:31:55 GMT

I just had a revelation.

Something that I have concluded to be a truth for over twenty years now, may not be a truth after all. And this conclusion was suddenly so self giving. Because for the belief to be validated, one would need to discount common sense altogether.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

LindaG — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 12:53:31 GMT

Hi Colin, let us know when your book is finished. Yes words are powerful! Glad you’ve had a revelation if it’s a positive one. Hope the medical team continue to keep your pain under control! The sunrise this Anzac Day was stunning in Perth! I’m a lover of sunrises and sunsets💕LindaG

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 15:51:27 GMT

Hi Colin, Your writing skills are amazing. Well done. It seem poinless sometimes to ask one with the cancer, "how are you". For me at least the thought is usually, "you don't want to know". I'm not well. This is your journey, your ability to look forward to what lies ahead. Good and bad. All the research you have done will seem like "why?" Certain cancers they have no cure for, let alone the answers we seek. It's more of an educational tutorial as if you got to 'know' the cancer. In reference to 'soul'...I prefer to the 'Spirit'. If you reread your post and switch those words, surely it will give you some food for thought. Recently completed a pmsa pet scan. I won't bore you with details, but I will share with you my thoughts on how I felt about the "Machine"....."What a marvelous machine they devised. To help save me from an early demise. For choices made weren't always wise. I tried my best to never lie. For in the end I want nothing to hide. For you my friend, I wish more good days than bad.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Mon, 25 Apr 2022 16:10:48 GMT

Share if you will. I'm intrigued.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 13:16:54 GMT

Hey guys, thanks again for the kind words. Oh and BJ, feel free, man, to keep me informed about yourself, as well, if you want to . And you, Linda. I guess we're already riding this crazy train together, anyway.

Remember how I said, in part, that my perceptions are now changing, that what I have long believed to be an important truth may not actually be one after all?

Well, I'm noticing something else now, too, and it's quite exciting, really. My perception of time is changing. What feels like happened a full fortnight ago, only happened 8 days ago, and time, generally, has become less important to me.

Tunes and songs last who knows how long, and who really cares? Generally they're longer, but again, that doesn't mean a thing any more, and in a good way. I'm never rushing to be anywhere. I'm never rushing, at all.

I'm just chilling, guys.

Just chilling.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Thu, 28 Apr 2022 16:55:48 GMT

Hey Colin, Time has slowed and the essence of time shall be nonexistant on the other side. Our 'world' has shrunk as well, considering your 10-20 is 'down under' and mine being 180 out (in the states). Hoping your 'notifications' are silent when your asleep. I had my pmsa pet scan. Stage 3 prostate cancer present. Fortunately it has not metasticized. Some branching out seen on scan meaning past the surgery stage. Now waiting on options from oncologist, radiation? hormonal? Also on scan report they noted degenerative disc disease in my lower spine. That shits painful. And as slow as hospitals seem to be, I have trusted friends who have supplied me with some potent pain meds and a high quality back support belt. I was told by my primary care doctor, to mention back issue to oncologist except I'm not sure what an oncologist can do about degnerative disc disease. A couple (spine bones) are rubbing together. The time from diagnosis to treatment is really frustrating. I'm the type of person who will challenge and question every decision from these docs. I 'trust' the doctors but don't quite 'believe' them. Hence the quagmire, emotinal, physical, psychological crap! Well now that's off my chest. Brain and pancreatic are the worst, I know. I do believe in miracles. Think of you often. Be well as you can be 'mate'....Steve.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

LindaG — Fri, 29 Apr 2022 01:05:29 GMT

Morning Colin & BJ, you guys sound very similar in personality I think!! I got the all clear from Non Hodgkin’s Lymphona last July, then survived a heart attack in August! So it wasn’t my time to go but my death is something that seems to always be in the background of my thoughts. Not in a morbid way, more practical I guess. I’m trying to finish a cross stitch that I’ve been working on for years, now I don’t want to leave it unfinished in case I suddenly go to Heaven!! Such a beautiful day in Perth today🌤. Enjoy the sunshine Colin. It’s good to still be able to follow your journey 💕. Linda G

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

Badjoke — Fri, 29 Apr 2022 16:39:07 GMT

Hi Linda, Colin, Great news Linda! Colin and I should collaborate on a book of some sort? I'm certain I have passed my 9 lives limit...near drownings, out of body experiences, close calls with truck driving job, a 'widow maker' event 3 years ago and now cancer. I know what you mean about the sense of urgency. The one day at a time phrase helps only when we're caught up on life. When family is involved, you want to make sure they're taken care of. Colin, you have mentioned family also. I have a feeling they weigh heavily on your mind. Bless you both! fight, fight, fight. Sincerely, Steve from Cali.

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

JohnDenning59 — Wed, 04 May 2022 03:09:54 GMT

G'day, Steve, hey Linda. Linda I'm so happy that you beat your foe and are continuing to do so. And Steve, hang in there, buddy. I'm still learning heaps, but the fact that your Stage 3 cancer hasn't metastasized is a good thing. Hope remains, and with the strength you're displaying, you have a great chance of kicking this thing once and for all.

For my part, I've compartmentalized things. By that, I mean that I'm now going through an organising phase. I'm saying my goodbyes gradually, and I'm writing letters to family and friends, all with that individual touch.

Strangely, though, oh and I'm thinking completely straight as I'm writing this, over the past week I've begun receiving strange messages in the early morning hours. They come in the form of a an invitation to get up and make a coffee, and then go out the back and talk, to 'it' over a smoke.

It, I have now concluded, is the force controlling this current existence. It's all quite peaceful, and sometimes I do get up, but mostly I stay in bed until it gets light.

There's something it wants me to know, and I will find that out I'm sure. I'll be sure to let you all know what that message is, but until then, I'm just going to keep going through this very important process of acceptance and saying my goodbyes.

There is now an almost overwhelming feeling of peace surrounding me. The world as I've known it for nearly sixty years now, is changing.

Colin

Re: Pancreatic cancer sucks

LindaG — Wed, 04 May 2022 05:16:35 GMT

Hi Colin, good to hear from you again. I guess the advantages to knowing you don’t have much time left is being able to say goodbye and anything else that needs to be said. I hope your wife is ok and the rest of your family. I could feel the peace that you now have in your words. It was tangible to me. One of my favourite Bible verses is ‘the peace that passes all understanding “! Seems like you have that now🙏💕.