topic Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing in Grief and loss

Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 10:31:48 GMT

Hi everyone,

I am sending you all the biggest hugs as we deal with the awfulness that is cancer and what it does to our loved ones.

31 December my beautiful Mum was diagnosed with advanced gallbladder cancer. We tried all the treatments she could undergo, but nothing stopped the cancer. I became her primary carer, which was 100% alright by me, as Mum and I spent every day together, 24/7 anyway.

To cut a long and awful story short, on 9 August Mum passed away in hospital. And I wish my heart had stopped then too.

Mum had planned her funeral, including music. She hated that people would cry. So two of her songs were from the Muppets - Rainbow Connection and Mahna Mahna. She couldn't stand the thought of tears. She told me, often, that I couldn't stay in my grief when this happened. She didn't want that.

But I am struggling, so very much these days. I've done all the redtape stuff because it was beyond my poor Dad, I've been doing nearly everything Mum did around the household, even as I am trying to get back into my uni studies to finish my PhD in her honour.

But I'm struggling with grief, even though I've talked to people at Headspace, I have beautiful people supporting me... I have the support and the love, but it's not Mum. And it can't be Mum. I guess I just wonder if anyone has advice on how to live with this awful feeling? I have smiled, I have laughed at times since Mum's passing, but the grief never goes away. And sometimes it sucker punches me with a piece of glass to my heart.

I'm just finding it hard, and if you have any advice at all I would be so grateful. I love my family that I have around me, but Mum was my world. And it's hard to keep trying when you just wish you had either died too or died in her place.

Big hugs,

Anne.♥

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Katekat — Fri, 15 Nov 2019 02:41:38 GMT

Sending hugs to you @anneidril ❤️

Can I suggest you give our Telephone Support Groups team a call on 1300 755 632?

We have a group available for those who have lose a loved one to cancer, they are a fantastic way of sharing experiences and being supported with others in a similar situation to yourself. One of the team members is in the office right now, otherwise, they'll all be in on Monday from 9am (Sydney time).

-Kate

Cancer Council Online Community Manager

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 04:25:23 GMT

Thank you so very much @Katekat, I appreciate the hugs and the suggestion.

I had read through the cancer council grief booklet and it seems like I'm doing everything possible to wade through the sadness, but I had hoped someone might have more answers or suggestions.

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for talking out loud to others about the grief, but it certainly can't hurt to try on Monday.

Thank you💛

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Tania10 — Mon, 18 Nov 2019 13:06:42 GMT

Hi Ann

I’m sorry I wish I had some advice for you but I don’t, I do know how you feel. My Dad passed 24 days today. My sisters and I cared for him at home. Dad was the king of our family and the days have been dark and empty without him. I understand that sucker punch feeling, it’s so painful.

It sounds like your Mum was incredibly strong and very proud of you.

Sending you love and light

xxxxxxxx

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 02:11:23 GMT

Hi Tania,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your Dad. I wish I could wave a magic wand and we would never have had to deal with cancer and say goodbye to our loved ones.

It's painful and gut-wrenching. I wish I could give you a hug in person.

Thank you for saying that about Mum, and for being so beautifully kind at a time when I know it's hard to even look after your own wellbeing with grief. I appreciate your empathy and compassion so very much. It sounds awful, but it does help to know others are also dealing with this and finding their way.

Sending such a big hug your way 💜💜💜💜

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Tania10 — Tue, 19 Nov 2019 12:05:37 GMT

Reading other people’s stories is what’s getting me through. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others out there who feel the same is somewhat of a comfort.

I pray for easier, kinder days for both of us

xxx

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

christielynnblo — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 04:36:13 GMT

I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of your mother.

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Deemac — Fri, 21 Feb 2020 11:22:21 GMT

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sitting here still struggling as well. My beautiful mum passes away- and it wasn’t peaceful like people pretend. She left me on the 1st August. I don’t think anyone can tell us how to make it better. Because I think it gets harder. Mum and I believe in the after life- but trust me my dad definitely does not. However after losing his wife he was willing to see a medium with me and she was amazing. There is no way she could have know what she did. It gave my dad and I some reassurance that mum is still around. I’m still angry and not coping so I’m not saying it fixed the pain but honestly it did help and that’s all I needed. No one can ever make sense of the face that mum won’t ever call again or tell me off or he my biggest fan. It’s so shit. I just wanted to share what did help- a little - but it still breaks me every day

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 09:28:27 GMT

Thank you @christielynnblo xxxx It is still incredibly hard without her here. I'm trying to hold onto the good, but it's hard.💜💜💜

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 09:34:07 GMT

Sending so many hugs to you @Deemac I know it doesn't help to say it, but I am so sorry you have had to say goodbye to your Mum xxx

Cancer is a truly terrible beast and I hate it. Your Mum and Dad sound like mine, she believed in an afterlife but he doesn't really. I do, it's one of the few things really helping me get through these hard times. And I'm glad visiting a medium helped a little even though longterm I know we just wish for our Mums. I've actually taken up cross stitch to do like she did, it helps me feel a little closer to her in a way.

But you're right, we still miss having them with us in person.

Sending you all the hugs xxxxx

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Nicola1 — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 06:40:32 GMT

So sorry for your loss Annie and for everyone here who has lost someone. I lost my Dad to bowel cancer 1 year, 6 months and 23 days ago. He was the most gentle, kind and loving dad anyone could wish for. I guess that sums it up that no matter how much time elapses, it feels like it just happened. Someone said to me that grief comes and goes in waves and its so true. In the first few months there were so many tears and angry and upset thoughts in my head as well (why wasn't dad able to get more chemo? how was he feeling at the end? did he know I was there? etc). After a bit of time elapses you feel like you are back to normal and accepting it all, then something hits you when you least expect it, a reminder of that person: a song, a food they liked, something they used to say. But it does get a little easier so hang in there! It won't ever go away completely and you don't want it to because you love that person so much and don't want to forget them, but it does get better. Love to everyone who has lost someone xxx

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 07:18:28 GMT

Dear Nicola,

Thank you for responding ♥ I am so, so sorry about your Dad.

We haven't had to get through the 1st year anniversary yet, but just this past week I had to celebrate my 30th and my Dad his 60th without her. It wasn't easy but we tried our best to make it happy.

My Nanny (who has lost 3 daughters, a stepson and her husband) tells me that she still misses her Mum, and that we have to find the happier moments to dwell on. It's easy to stay in our sad, but looking for the good is better. I am continuing to have up and down moments. You're right, it feels like waves crashing over us and then retreating for a little bit before coming back in.

I am so, so sorry that you have such questions to live with. I am hoping he would have felt relatively okay, to slip away. I think that's what Mum was like. However I was told to get my wisdom teeth out, that Mum would be fine that day, and when I got home from the dentist we got the call that Mum had passed away. I still sometimes beat myself up over that. I think all of us have something we wish were different xxx

I actually write a letter to Mum each night, just to get it all out, and you are so right - because we loved them so much of course we feel this grief. But that love was worth all this pain. We were so blessed to have them with us for the time that we had. Of course we wanted more time, but it would never have been long enough when you love someone.

Thank you for your kindness and empathy. It truly means so much to read your reply and helps, as you are further along the journey than I am.

Sending you so many virtual hugs. ♥♥♥

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

DaveRyan — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 15:13:38 GMT

So sorry for your loss and Godspeed for your Mom. The pain and the new daily normal is just exhausting and I wish you all the comfort available.
I too lost my mom to cancer at age 13 and at age 56 I was diagnosed with a similar cancer. There is a peace that surpasses all understanding with the Lord and if you wish to chat about that I would be happy to.
One day at a time....

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Markcoz — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 09:32:43 GMT

Hey Anne, I am reading your comments and I know what you are going through. Believe in yourself. You can. I lost both my parents in my early 20’s (now im 28). I can say with confidence that i deal with it well now. I want to help people like us and maybe you feel like replying two simple questions. It might help you to gain some clarity. Excuse me if it's inappropriate, feel free to ignore. Take care.

As someone who lost a parent(s)/ family member, what are the 2 biggest struggles you’re dealing with?
Regarding your loss, what would you wish for more than anything else?

That’s it. I wish you all the best on your journey in life.

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 09:49:40 GMT

Thank you so much Dave, I really appreciate your kindness in reaching out to me.

I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your Mum at such a very young age and then deal with your own journey with a similar cancer.

I wish you all the good luck and health on your journey. ♥♥♥

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 10:01:03 GMT

Hi @Markcoz,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I know words don't convey the depth of it, but I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to both your parents when you were younger. I am grateful that you (and others) have found a way to keep going and show me that it is possible, even when it feels too big.

1. The 2 biggest struggles... The 1st is probably suddenly becoming the person that needs to have answers for family members with things in life - like what needs to be done with redtape and the house or just making sure everyone is relatively ok. The second struggle is just generally being without Mum's love and guidance. I have a chronic condition and so she was my strength and support throughout my life. it's hard to have bad pain days without her here to hug me.

2. What would I wish for more than anything else... Apart from the obvious one of her still being with us, or me being with her (or even in her place) I guess I would wish that I had learned more from her. I've taken up cross stitch like she used to do, but I wish I had the patience to knit like she did.

I actually just turned 30 a week or so ago, so the milestone was a hard one. But I am trying my hardest to keep going with the happiness and fun she instilled in my life.

Thank you so so much for reaching out Mark. I really wish you well on this journey too. It's the hardest thing, but it helps when people reach out to check on each other as we go through it. ♥

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Markcoz — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 15:33:48 GMT

Thank you Anne for replying and taking the time to write.

I think having answer reminds you of your mother and thats the hard part. I think it's not that you dont have answer to questions. Its the kind of questions which you would ask your mom and there is the hole.

I see she was a light and guidance in your life. So great to look back at that time where she did this for you. I dont know if you have children or even plan on having but you could be that for them too.

You will find your way, there is Always light! Take care of yourself first before you can take care of others 😉

Have a blessed day.

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

anneidril — Thu, 09 Apr 2020 03:40:25 GMT

Exactly @Markcoz - I would have asked Mum the questions, to double check things or just get her advice.

I have heard from a few friends that I have helped them with their path through life, over the rocky bits, so maybe that's the best way I can remember Mum. She did that for us, now I am just helping get that out in a wider universe.

Thank you so much for helping me find some clarity Mark, I do appreciate it.

I hope you are going okay, do take care of yourself during this strange time in the world!

Anne.

Re: Struggling with Mum's Passing

Markcoz — Sat, 11 Apr 2020 18:34:30 GMT

You are very welcome Anneidril,

If you want to talk about some issue or something.. ill be willing to help . Nice to read that you've helped others like your mom also guided you. Thats a right path!