topic Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years in Grief and loss

Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Sun, 12 Jun 2022 10:32:08 GMT

I am so lost i miss my wife so much she was my sole-mate, the person i loved so much, we were supposed to grow old together and do the things you do together, she completed my existence on this world and now she has gone.i have such a dark hole to climb out off not having her with me, how do i move forward ,i feel i am in a big dark hole riding overwhelming emotions and feelings. I know she has gone to a better place with no pain anymore but i so miss holding her hand, talking and having her with me. My emotions are so raw i find it hard to think about all the lovely times we shared together without it upsetting me more.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

LindaG — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 01:59:30 GMT

Oh Michael. So sorry about the death of your precious wife. The pain of loosing those we love is just unbearable at the start. Hope you have family and friends who you can cry with. You can’t rush through the grief. All I can say is I’m sending you prayers and love. 🙏💕 Linda G

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 07:12:42 GMT

Thankyou so much Linda for caring, having cared for my wife through her battle with cancer, i thought i could prepare myself for the inevitable end but but the raw grief i am suffering now is by far the hardest part of this whole process as i had to stay strong for her, I did initially have family members around me but they have now moved back to continue with there lives as they should however do maintain contact.

I take everyday as it comes in great pains emotionally as its hard to plan forward now without my sole-mate, i get swallowed up in the emptiness, that great big black hole that i am trying to climb my way out of as thats what she would have wanted me to do but at the moment its just too much being alone. As each day rolls into the next i feel as though i am better than the day before and i can see the exit to this big hole and then i am hit with another wave and down i go again. I miss her so. 😢

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Bob63 — Sat, 02 Jul 2022 05:22:39 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. Those are the words people tell you trying to help. I also lost my wife, a little over three weeks ago, we were married for 38 years. We had already bought our retirement home in the mountains, (California) and making plans to buy a bigger place to fix up and eventually live in. A short time after buying the cabin my wife started having all sorts of problems, it took the doctors about two years to figure it out. She had cancer, by the time the cancer was found her diagnosis was “inoperable advanced stage 4 colon cancer” it had already spread to her liver and she had so many tumors they could not count them all. The doctor said maybe 2 years with treatment. My wife is a stubborn person and lived for 4 years and 8 months before passing away.

I knew it was coming, over the past 4 years I have read a lot about cancer, the treatments, and the outcomes. By watching her test results I knew when the doctor said the chemo is no longer working and she had 4 or 5 months that she was not going to make it that far. She was not ready to give up so we found another doctor who said he could try a different drug, but first he wanted her to be admitted to the hospital so he could get her in better condition so she could handle the drug. Well after seven days in the hospital she passed away, myself and our daughter were with her.

I can honestly say I have never been so divested as to when she died. I miss her so much more than I ever thought I could, I had been with her every day since we were married. And now coming home to an empty house is just unbearable. I took three weeks off work to try and get myself together, but it didn’t help.

I am sorry I have no answer for you, I came to this website looking for answers myself. I am trying to stay busy, fortunately over the past 4 years our house got neglected so I could take care of my wife, and is in need of repairs. Aside from that my daughter says find more things to do, she is also having a hard time with the loss of her mom.

I turn on the TV and just let it make noise, so the house is not so quite. While I was off work my daughter came over every day, to help do whatever. We are both back at work now and struggling with each day. We each have our own pain, I lost my wife, but she lost her mom. I don’t sleep well or at all sometimes. People ask what they can do to help, I say nothing, what I want to say is bring my wife back. They say time will help, but I have not noticed. I have two cats and a dog whom are also missing her, but don’t understand what happened.

I know how I feel, and if you are anything close to that, we have a long road ahead of us.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Sun, 03 Jul 2022 06:57:18 GMT

Bob i am so sorry to hear of your loss, emotions and feelings will be so raw at three weeks as they were for me and with it now over two months they are still raw although i can now see some light at the end of the tunnel albeit without my Tracy , but she will always be there somewhere just like your wife will be, we just have to learn how to live our lives with out our sole mate, best friend and loving wife not by our side. What you describe is exactly how i felt and did for a while, i still have a mind numbness, a cloud that follows me around just waiting for me to stop being busy and my thoughts become swallowed up in his cloud and i find myself grieving again but thats alright i tell myself as its my way that i am dealing with such a great loss.

my grief has shifted now to trying to cope with or learning to continue on without my beloved Tracy by my side as i know she would want me too, my journey has been hard and i to looked after my wife for over two and a half years until that day came,and my happy world as i new it forever ended.

I am glad you reached out Bob as i found it very comforting in a way to talk to others who have the same or similar exposure to cancer and i hope this will help you through the tough times.

my emotions are like a rollercoaster ride they come they go and the intensity of the emotion varies to and will for some time as every where i go or everything i do it reminds me that my Tracy isnt with me to talk to anymore, i wont hear her voice again, she wont be waiting for me at home, i still find that hard to deal with.

i have her ashes sitting on the front entrance table with a little shrine so i talk to her and that comforts me.

Stay strong Bob and your daughter to, it will get better things just wont seem they ever will as you are still processing your loss and that will be very raw like it was for me.

Reading your response stirred my emotions as writing this response back has also, we all will have our different ways of dealing with the loss and time well time will be as long as you need.

I am sure our animals miss just as we do as our small dog has now a anxiety towards being alone and sticks to me like glue.

Two days after the funeral i needed to remove myself from the home and all the triggers that reminded me of Tracy and travel to some place new and without any history so that i could process it all without the triggers and i found that to be very helpful, yes i did think that i was running away from facing it as it would still be there when i returned to our home but it helped me. I have since done it again to help my journey through the hard times when the grief is to much. I have a lot of supportive family around me to who i can talk to whenever i need to.

Michael

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Tue, 05 Jul 2022 04:50:11 GMT

Hi Michael, I lost my wife (49) three weeks ago to stage 4 Colon cancer. Like you I feel lost and unsure of the future. We have a 14yo son who is also trying to come to terms with the loss. We were told that she had approx 2-3 months left on Tuesday 7 June. She died on Thursday 9 June. The shock of the speed of her decline was extremely difficult to reconcile. We have a difficult road ahead. I hope that in sharing your grief that you can get some validation of how you feel.

Take care of yourself.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Bob63 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 01:29:29 GMT

Hi Michael and Jamie

What you both describe is how I feel too. We were told my wife had 4 or 5 months, she passed 28 days later on June 7th.

Monday July 4th was Independence day, my wife’s favorite holiday. There is a small parade in the city I live in, I attempted to go but could see myself standing there by myself and couldn’t do it. Where I work we operate 24/7 so I volunteered to help fill in on second shift to avoid being home during the fireworks displays. I’ll try again next year, I guess. We had planned to be together, and now I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am glad I found this website, it seems to help to write things down. I’ve got a motorcycle I have not ridden since my wife got sick, I am going to get it running and maybe go for a ride, that was always my escape when life got hard, maybe it will help.

You all take care.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 08:23:30 GMT

Hi Bob

Thanks for sharing your story. It has a similar theme to mine. I don't know about you but one of the real difficulties I have is the speed of the decline. I am sure that interacting with others will give us some help. I don't need to tell you how much pain we collectively feel at the moment. I hope that you are able to be gentle on yourself. I found myself escaping at the movies today (Elvis) but found myself sobbing uncontrollably at the end of the movie.

Hope that you get on that bike of yours soon.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 09:08:04 GMT

Hi Bob, its now been over two months since i lost Tracy and i have only just felt that it was alright for me to get on my spyder and go for a ride but it too caused the memories to re surface but i know she would have wanted me to ride as she knew how much i enjoyed it. I have just bought some cancer ribbon sticker to place on the bike in honour of her. Its been a hard journey as both you and jamie know, i still think sometimes that it cant be so that she has gone and thats still upsetting for me.

Talking about it to others has been very helpful to me and i am sure it will be the same for you.

keep positive bob

michael

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 21:51:27 GMT

I am sharing my morning writing with you.

Yesterday was the 4 week anniversary. Is that a milestone? 4 weeks that seems like an eternity ago. 4 weeks since you were here with us in your living breathing self. 4 weeks since our lives were transformed into this state of mourning and grief. I went for another bike ride and started the day in a reasonable state of mind. Doctors appointment with Gretel, I found it disconcerting that she didn’t acknowledge your death but maybe that is her coping mechanism. Mum arrived which was comforting for both Eddie and myself. I found myself pleasantly distracted when Eddie and I went to see the new Elvis movie. 2-3 hours of being transported to someplace else. Then at the end of the movie there is a clip of Elvis losing his life. The screen fades to black with a small peep hole of light that gradually dies. Is this how Josie experienced her last moments? Could she hear us telling her it was ok to let go and that we loved her so much? The scene caused me much pain and I left the cinema in tears. Edward again proved how sensitive and caring he can be as he rubbed my back and gave me words of comfort.

Is every Thursday at 12:12pm going to be a reminder of her death. Am I going to relive that moment in time as I move to class?

Today is Angus’ birthday and we are meeting him and Scarlett in Fitzroy for lunch. This morning the sofa that Julie and I chose for Josie some 6 weeks ago will arrive. 6 weeks ago we were making decisions about providing a new sofa for Josie to lie on. Today it will arrive to a very empty space. I am sure it will provide me with a bittersweet feeling. 6 weeks , 4 weeks, 3 weeks, anniversaries and milestones everywhere.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

LindaG — Fri, 08 Jul 2022 07:33:43 GMT

Hello Jamie, Michael and Bob. Your love for your wives despite your loss and immense pain is so beautiful. Nothing anyone can say will help although that’s all people can do to try and help when all you probably need is hugs and a listening ear. It’s almost 2 years since I lost my beautiful mum and the first year was so bad and I didn’t want to hear “remember the good times”! It didn’t help me to remember the good times, it just made me want her back even more. It’s good that we can put our feelings out here and just get understanding. Bless you all, hold on to the hope of Heaven. 💕🙏 Linda G

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Fri, 08 Jul 2022 11:28:37 GMT

Hi to you Linda in these grieving times, i am not looking forward to the year ahead as our birthdays come around and Christmas without Tracy so will deal with them at that time as i am trying to take it day by day.

Having this facility for us all to share our grief can only help as even though our circumstances may not be exactly the same the outcome was and we all have the raw greif that follows. I miss her deeply every day and still find it difficult dealing with going to places that we use to go together, places like shopping and cafes even down to driving past or through places, it upsets me, but i must keep moving forward learning to deal with these thoughts as i tell myself “She is not coming back”. Only in the last few weeks have i been able to bring myself to start looking at photos of us together as i to found it very upsetting to do so.

i have started to pack her clothes up but not ready to disturb her side of the bedside table, everything is still the way she had it and all her getwell bears she got throughout the kemo still sit on her side of the bed, its still to raw to even think about moving them, its my way of maintaining the connection with her even though she isnt physically there.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 11:14:35 GMT

I am here to listen Jamie, our circumstances are so similar, i miss my Tracy so much, her touch,her voice, i miss being able to tell her about my day, its still hard for me to deal with these things as an hour doesnt go by that i am not thinking about Tracy. Every thing i do everywhere i go reminds me of when i was blessed with her presence and that is so hard to deal with. Its a hard road and a long road and it will take as long as it needs to learn to live without her.

Stay positive Jamie.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Sun, 10 Jul 2022 19:38:36 GMT

Thanks Michael

I am going back to work today which is kind of bitter sweet. Looking forward to getting some structure back into my life but also a bit anxious about how productive I will be. Thanks for your listening ear.

Jamie

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Bob63 — Mon, 11 Jul 2022 05:05:10 GMT

Thank you Linda, I am grateful I found this website. Reading what Michael and Jamie are saying is really helpful too.

The other night I dreamed that I was talking with Eileen, when I woke up I knew it was a dream, but it was nice to talk with her again. The dream made me feel better for a few days, but reality slowly came back. Tonight I was going to make something to eat, chili dogs with cheese and onions. Eileen would complain she didn’t want that then eat half of mine. After all that came back I couldn’t do it so I went out and got a pizza instead.

Eileen slept in a hospital bed we had set up in the living room, and I slept in the den or the recliner next to her. I had left the bed how it was when she went to the hospital, and I sleep in the recliner now. Can’t bring myself to go and sleep in the bed. Her ashes are on a shelf in the living room so I can talk to her. The car still has her wheelchair in the trunk and her hospital bag in the back seat. Although I have been making changes all of her stuff is as it was when she went to the hospital.

Before the cancer came into our lives we did everything together, as long as she was with me it did not matter how long it took to get anywhere or do anything because we were together, now I just don’t have any purpose. Before I met Eileen I did all sorts of stuff, riding my motorcycle, dirt bike riding, water skiing, backpacking, but it was all empty it was just taking up time. With Eileen it was much more enjoyable to just sit around and talk or watch TV together. Before Eileen passed away I figured I would just retire after she passed, I had no idea I was going to be so lonely.

Michael, going back to work was not too bad some of the people I work with told me there were sorry about my wife passing away and others didn’t say anything, the first day was the roughest. The hardest part was going home afterwards, when I came into the house she was not there to say hi too or talk with. Each day did get a little easier, but I still miss her so very much.

Bob

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Mon, 11 Jul 2022 07:34:01 GMT

Bob i am exactly the same Tracy was my world and as it was with you nothing else mattered as i had what i needed, now its so hard to move forward and learn how to be alone again but i think i am getting there, at my pace, we arent built to handle the grief very well, well i aint anyway. Yes coming home to no one is hard although i do have the dog and the cat so i make sure i have some time with them as sure they miss Tracy too.

I have Tracys ashes on a shrine i have for her just inside the door , she is the first thing i see and greet when i enter, and like you i talk to her too, we do what helps us get through this time. Our situations are so alike but we are so far apart but by sharing our grief i think it makes it better.

My grief has shifted to Loneliness now thats what i find hard, yes i have my two sons but its not the same as you would know.

If there is one minute positive out of this atleast my Tracy wont have to go through growing old and ending up being looked after in a nursing home, weird as that may seem thats what i think about but then going through what we are going through my mind thinks about a lot . I think its my minset of my grief at the moment.

Yesterday i could see myself ending up in that dark cloud that follows me so i decided i was getting on my Spyder three wheeler and i was going to try and enjoy the beautiful day that had presented itself, i think Tracy made that happen to help me, well thats what i am believing anyway. The ride was good but it also gave me time to think about her and yes it would cause it to rain in my helmet which is ok.

As each day comes Bob i think i am slowely learning but nothing will ever replace Tracy, she will always be in my hart and i will make sure her legacy goes on in what ever form that will be.

Motovation to keep moving ahead is hard to come by but i have to keep going forward, Tracy wouldnt want me to dwell, even though at the moment that is hard to even beleive that but i must and i will.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Mon, 11 Jul 2022 09:06:59 GMT

Dont worry about how productive you will be you are dealing with a very traumatic time and you will do what you can. My day back was hard to deal with but it did me good too. I didnt think i would be ready to go back but i did and it was the best for me however you will find your way what is best for you Jamie.

Take it easy on yourself Jamie your first day back is a momentous day , it was for me and i can understand the anxiety that comes with it.

Let us know how it goes if you need to talk.

michael

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Mon, 11 Jul 2022 09:40:05 GMT

My first day back went quite well. I was distracted by tasks and to do lists. Felt myself tearing up at times but all in all I would say that it was a positive day.It is good to hear that you had a positive experience on the bike. I ride a bike with a group and find that is a good way to start the day.

It helps to read your stories.

Take care

Jamie

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Jamie62 — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 07:37:25 GMT

Good evening

Well my second day back at work was not great. Felt myself tearing up pretty much all day. I think it started when I changed insurance details on Josie's car as well as finalised her ashes internment. Too much confirmation that she is no longer with me. The reality of tasks at work combined with the surreal feelings that have come with her death have really thrown my thought process and sense of reality out.

Re: Loss of my partner, sole-mate and best friend my wife of 26 years

Michael53 — Tue, 12 Jul 2022 11:01:20 GMT

This time will always be hard as it was for me, dont feel you have to hurry things along, you do them when you are ready to do them Jamie, i still have Tracys clothes that she was wearing into the hospital sitting on her side of the bed exactly how i put them there the day i brought them home, even her slippers havent moved infact nothing has moved its all it was when she was here with me and it will stay like that until i feel its time. I have her ashes with her photo sitting by the front door on her special little table with couloured lighting, she loved her coulored lights and that will stay there until i feel its time to finally say goodbye.

i have no rush it will happen in good time.

It is okay to feel like that Jamie, its okay to show emotion, take it easy at work and slowly edge yourself back into it as you feel it will still be there tomorrow or the next.

Going into my fourth week back i to still have my moments but i tell myself that i am allowed to feel this way and its totally alright to end up sobbing in a heap.

Michael