topic Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE???? in Living with cancer

HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 03:24:10 GMT

I just spent the weekend with my Mum for her birthday, it really was like spending the weekend with a complete stranger. She has only seen my boys twice this year not including the weekend, she never calls…she is just never here. We felt like a nuisance and my 3 ½ year old kept asking to go home, I really feel like I can’t put him through it anymore. Its bad enough my MIL comes up most Sundays and ignores my son and tells him to be quiet she came to see his daddy, I just feel so angry right now! When I got sick I can barely remember a moment when she spoke to me or came to visit or helped me at all. I had to wait 5 months after surgery for treatment and the only person I knew I could stay with in Sydney was my Mum, so I did it. I think it was the most time I had spent with her in 9 months or more. She was hardly ever home anyway…when I had to go to the hospital for RAI she just dropped me off to the waiting room with my bags and left. I am struggling with all of this I can’t understand how a mother can be this way to her child and grandchildren in turn. I am a mum and I would not leave my children side, I would respect there journey, adore their children and make an effort! I just had to get that off my chest, I admit very publicly; but I think in order for me to move forward I need to get this emotional baggage out there so that I can move on from it. I am sick of the all consuming ridiculousness of my family, they alone have made my journey prolonged and difficult. I am hoping putting this out there might enable me to get a different perspective on the last 3 years, that my journey will suddenly progress into the place I need to go.

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:11:33 GMT

Hi Amanda, i dont really know what to say but i usually only see my parents once a week and they only live 5 mins from me,and all my dad does is yell at my kids to shutup, so im glad i dont see him that much and my mum doesnt spend any time with my kids when she is here. My inlaws are the same as your story, i havent seen my MIL for nearly 18mths as she hates me for apparently making her son {my hubby} spend all of his time caring for me as ive been sick for a while, my kids dont call either sets grandparents. How do you forgive and Forget and move on ? That is one thing i would like to know, all my friends have great mother in laws and mine just sux and sometimes i get jealous but im just trying to forget all about her. Does anyone else have this problem?

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:27:00 GMT

Sham, Thanks for your reply I really feel like the only person in the world with a crap mum and MIL most of the time. While I am not happy someone else goes through the same stuff its nice to know I am not alone. My MIL always tells me her son got cancer because he had to look after me when I was sick and that he stuck by me which is good for a young man to do...WTF!!!!!! I can feel the rage burning again I have to stop myself. I guess the good thing is our kids have loving devoted parents and that is so important, our kids don't dwell on our lack of energy or when we are sick they think of all the great things we do and cherish the time we spend with them. So I guess our parents and in laws are the ones who loose, they miss out on being a part of their very important lives. Thanks you for sharing your story with me, I have spent the last few days in a complete haze of anxiety/depression about it all I am feeling a little better that someone herd my story.

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:09:52 GMT

Hi Amanda, i am also glad, now i dont feel so alone, I kinda had a laugh to myself when you wrote that its our parents and inlaws that miss out. My brother got married approx 2.5 weeks ago and my mum actually nursed my 2.5year old bubba to sleep, she then looked at me and said, gosh i cant believe hes gotten so big. When he was born youd think every1 wanted a cuddle? How wrong was i? no-one wanted a cuddle, my eldest child {Joshua} is 13 years old next month and all my parents say to me is "oh dont they grow up so fast" and "oh weve missed out on so much" but to me and as harsh as it may sound i dont think that they qualify for grandparent status. My kids actually asked me when i got diaganosed with cancer if they could hire grandparents somewhere as their friends grandparents are great and they think theirs sux. When i have my next op in sept my father was going to be my carer but my kids have all said they dont want him here at their home, they will do all the chores that i cant do, Gosh my kids are great!!!!! I love them soooooooooo much!!!!!

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:36:00 GMT

Hi Amanda and Sham. Things aren't ideal with my family either. To cool the burning in my chest when I'm overwhelmed by their 'f***ness' I say my favourite saying: It is what it is. I can't control them. It isn't fair, how dare they, this is just f*****! But, I can't change them, so it is what is and I can only change how I react to it. My husbands family served us with an eviction notice 10 days after Andy was buried.We have been renting their home for 14 years. So now, 6 weeks after losing my husband, I'm expected to pack up my children and our things and move on. Oh well...it is what it is....I'm relying on karma to get them...and I'm going to sue the crap out of them! 🙂

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

stevec — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 04:53:28 GMT

Hey Sally, Your story really is heartbreaking. I hope the you and the universe dish out a decent serve of karma on Andy's family. Sounds like they deserve it. Steve

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:47:01 GMT

Sally I agree karma will get them in the end...i want to kick your in-laws up the butt. I have figured it out! so many people of our parents era are selfish self absorbed b****ds and they have alot to answer for. I hope your move is going OK and that the kids see it as an adventure rather than the harsh reality of what it is. Will they still see their grandparents?

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Loraleeb — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 09:42:48 GMT

Hello Amanda, I found this thread interesting because it touches on something I researched into for my book, and that is how our families and traumas suffered can seriously affect our health. Just out of interest, how is/was your relationship with your family/mother generally? I believe the pain and loneliness a child suffers through being mistreated manifests itself later as illness. I was abandoned by my biological mother when I was 7. After surfing the social care system for over 2 years I was adopted by my new family, but my new mother was abusive in that she didn't love me. All of that pain had to surface somewhere. I got cancer when I was 15. Miraculously I survived it against all the odds. About five years ago I lost my biological mother to cancer, got divorced, and then lost my little sister to cancer; she was only 21. Not surprisingly, I developed cancer again - this time inflammatory bc. The connection in my mind between inner sorrow and illness could not be ignored and I went on a hunt for all the information I could find relating to this topic. I was astounded by how much evidence there is. Finding out what I have, I've been on a mission to heal my inner child - to push away those mountains and make space for me on my terms. I had help through healing, counselling, yoga exercise and joining a support group. I will never feel shiny and new, but I am definitely shining a lot more than I used to and can find happiness in all the bleakness around me. I don't know if you can relate any of my story to yours - just thought it was worth a stab. LLx

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Nikki_YAC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:36:23 GMT

hey gals, i don't know or begin to know what you all must feel or have gone through, as i am so fortunate to have a very caring mother. i praise your honesty and bravery in each of your situations... it breaks my heart to hear each of your stories. i am so glad you have a place like this site that helps you connect, discuss and relate your life issues with each other.

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:36:17 GMT

loralee, Its funny you should mention the connection between illness and hurt, I have also been investigating this alot lately. I keep thinking what it is my husband and I have in common that could possibly have made us both get cancer, the answer seems to be our terrible upbringings. I spend alot of time right now investigating different avenues to express our anger ect and move forward in a positive way. We already do yoga but I am making more of an effort, along with our kids we are creating a loving nurturing environment in our home and actually I am keen to read your book...will have ot get a copy 🙂

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:37:35 GMT

Thanks nikki for your reply, its good to get it out I have to say pasrt of the healing is just being herd. So I can now tick it off the list 🙂

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

lizyole — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 01:29:43 GMT

my heart goes out to all of you , such sad stories Amanda and Sham your parents and MIL are so missing out on all the good things with the children,and the family unbelieveable. Sally, what can I say OMG!!!!!!! what is going threw these peoples minds, I am speechless I cannot beleive a grandparent could do that.You just stay strong for you and the children, I do think it is something to do with that era my MIL we would be lucky to see once a year, we will here from her for birthdays but that is it, I feel so sad for my daughter to up until this year she had never stayed at their place,or been asked, and they don't take an intrest in anything she does. Lucky for her she has my mum and dad who are a later model in there 80s the others are in there 60, she has two grand parents who have been there at every milestone in her life, ready to cheer her on, we speek every day they are the most unselfish people in the world and the most caring, I cannot say enoungh about them, all the time I was sick mum and dad were there ready to help, or drive me to an appointment nothing was too much. I am so lucky

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

samex — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:44:13 GMT

Amanda and Sham I cannot imagine how much worse the whole situation must be for you. When I was diagnosed my parents (in their 8o's) were the most badly affected. My problem was with, my then 18 year old son, who just didn't want to have anything to do with the problem.Maybe his way of dealing with problems in general - don't know. During treatment, my parents would spend the last 2 hours in the clinic with me and then take me for lunch before I felt too ill to eat. I feel very privileged to have my family and humbled by your stories and feel that in this great karmic universe it will come to pass that you and your children will be stronger and have wonderful resilient and loving children. As for your families, they are the ones missing out on knowing amazing people. Samex

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Loraleeb — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:23:08 GMT

Wow - your husband had cancer at the same time? That must have been an extremely intense time for you. Do you feel it brought you closer? I found the relationship with my partner became extremely strained during treatment and after. I had a look and you can find my book in Australia through: http://www.fishpond.com.au/advanced_search_result.php?author=Lora%20Lee%20Boynton&format=Hardback I hope you get a chance to read it. I'd love to hear your thoughts on my twist to cancer. Love LLx

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:39:29 GMT

We had cancer a year or so apart not at the same time but yeah it can put strain on the relationship, for us its made us stronger. Its all about working out priorities and for me my marriage was one of them. Thanks for the link to your book in oz.

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:37:06 GMT

Hi again Samex. You're right, it will make our children more stronger. I used to believe in karma but now I'm not so sure. But I do know that if people don't give, they wont receive. They've missed out on being loved by the kids and I-and we got a lot of love to give!!! Lizoyle, my husband's father passed away late last year and his mum has dementia. It's his brother and sister(mother's power of attorney) who are throwing us out. Some people become blinded by $$$$$$$$$$$$! Here, we all know that money can't buy heath and cash don't buy time. They'll realise this someday.

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:07:44 GMT

Sallyz I am so sorry to hear you lost your FIL and husband so close together, gosh dimentia is a hard one. My grandad passed away 2 years ago after a long battle with dementia and my FIL passed away a few weeks later unexpectadly amidst treatment for bowel cancer. Believe it or not a few months after that my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer as well. Your BIL and SIL will be still thirsty even when their mum goes, but as you say money doesn't buy time or health and sure won't buy love. It is their loss and your kids won't have feelings for them when they get over themselves and decide to return. My uncle who is power of attorney over my grandparents affairs actually kicked us out of the family house we were looking after, when my son was 4 months old and i was awaiting treatment after my thyroidectomy. I no longer have a place for them in my heart and it is sad but on the plus side my kids have never known them. You have really been through so much in a short space of time, big hugs to you and your family. You seem to have coped very well, what a strong amazing woman you are XX

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:22:27 GMT

Amanda, Oh my God! I can't believe people could be such arseholes! I thought my darling in-laws were one in a million! I just want to lay in bed for a month and grieve the loss of my husband, the loss of my kids Daddy. Instead my days are spent at the accountant, working (sent back to work by the accountant!), solicitor appointments, all that is involved legally when your partner dies and raising my kids. I'm tired and just want to cry, stuff my face with hot chips, and cry some more. ...I suppose it is what it is. By the way, can you tell me about the expressive writing group please-sounds inticing!

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

Loraleeb — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:35:48 GMT

It just dawned on me as I scrolled through our comments how young we all are. Is cancer becoming more common in younger people, or is that a new topic? LLx

Re: HOW DO I FORGIVE????

AmandaC — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 12:50:10 GMT

Loralee looks like you need to post a new blog...that discussion I am sure could go to some interesting places on here. Look forwrd to seeing your post 🙂