topic Re: Being "inspiring" in Living with cancer

Being "inspiring"

Allicat — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 00:19:20 GMT

Does anyone else find it annoying when people say how "inspiring" they are? I am a runner and people find it "inspiring" and "amazing" that I am still running during chemo. On one hand I like it when people are impressed by me because it's always nice when people say nice things, but on the other hand it's annoying. It is not impressive that I am running. It just means that I like to run and most of the time I am well enough to be able to run. On days when I have felt too sick and/or tired to run I have gone for a walk instead or a couple of times just spent the day in bed. It is actually discouraging in way to be called inspiring as it suggests that I'm doing something special when it seems to me that I'm not. And I think it is best not to think of myself as doing anything special. Tomorrow will be my 6th chemo treatment. There has been some nausea and fatigue but mainly it has not been too bad. I think the people who are impressed must imagine that it is worse than it is. And, of course, it may yet get worse. That is another problem - if it does get worse maybe I won't want to run and I don't want to feel obliged to run in order to continue to "inspire" people. Alli

Re: Being "inspiring"

harker — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 00:43:14 GMT

Hi Allicat I know exactly what you mean. It gets up my nose that I am so often labelled and tagged as I move along the health industry conveyor belt. How can I possibly be 'inspiring' when I am only doing that which I have absolutely no choice about whatsoever? It is ridiculous. What is going on inside in another matter altogether. I share that with others who can see it but I do not spend any time at all explaining it to those who can't. Life is too short. I like to read perspectives from within that space. A lot has been written over the years. The narratives help a lot. We chat about this stuff in the Expressive Writing Group. It's a lot of fun and gets you right away from the 'inspiring' space. Goats are really important. H

Re: Being "inspiring"

Allicat — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 06:18:57 GMT

Exactly - there is no choice. If I had been given a choice I would obviously have chosen to not have cancer. But since I do have cancer I just have to put up with it and carry on as best I can.

Re: Being "inspiring"

Sailor — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 06:24:15 GMT

Hi Allicat Spot on Harker - it gets right up my nose. I know people mean well, so I try to be polite and usually have a stock phrase like - "Yeh, I'm still warm and vertical" so that we can laugh in an awkward way. wish I had the courage to be able to explain to them that I am not inspiring, I am not always positive, that there are times when I feel bloody awful and am sick and tired of the whole business. Not sure they could cope. cheers Sailor Thought is the wind, knowledge the sail, and mankind the vessel. August Hare

Re: Being "inspiring"

samex — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 09:55:48 GMT

I always felt uncomfortable when people called me brave. No way was I brave. I didn't really have a choice. The night before each round of chemo I wouldn't sleep and grew incredibly anxious as I had an idea of what was coming for the next week and I didn't want it. However, Allicat, I am impressed (is that OK?) that you are still running! No we aren't really doing anything special - we are only doing what has to be done. No, Allicat - you are not alone is this. Samex

Re: Being "inspiring"

Allicat — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:04:36 GMT

Being called 'brave' doesn't bother me so much - I just shrug and say "well, there's not really any other option". Secretly I do feel a bit brave though. Today the chemo nurse said it was amazing I was still running. I took it as compliment which is how I think he meant it but I guess that it just means the chemo is not effecting me so badly as it effects some people which is presumably just luck. Thinking about it as I write this makes me nervous that if I am going well so far that means it will get worse. But there are only 2 more chemo treatments left and as we all agreed there is no choice so I'll just have to manage.

Re: Being "inspiring"

harker — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 21:07:27 GMT

Hi Allicat This is an interesting discussion, isn't it. I am glad you secretly feel brave. I do too, but I don't share that with anyone as it is only my self image and is really not anyone else's business. It is a different thing altogether from someone else calling me brave. Someone else calling me brave suggests they have an image of me that they want me to adhere to. And that is not fair, especially as you point out it leaves the impression that things might get worse for the brave one. This all leaves me thinking: I am already aware of how bad things are, thanks very much. Don't tell me I am brave to make yourself feel better and more comfortable with the reality of my position. You might feel inspired by me, but that is nothing to do with me - it is your choice and does not place me in a role of being inspiring - so keep it to yourself and let's talk about something else if we can. And: I might feel brave but I will keep that to myself - that is nothing to do with you. I do not feel brave as a way of avoiding what is actually going on. I am extremely aware of what is going on in my body and bravery is completely irrelevant to that...so let's talk about something else...if we can. H

Re: Being "inspiring"

diannep52 — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 01:07:30 GMT

Hi Allicat the 'thing that gets up my nose' is when (well meaning) people say, 'you are so strong' or 'stay positive' or 'you will get over this' or 'chin up' - when they really have no idea what is going on inside my body, or more to the point - how my body is coping with what is going on! My theory is: if you dont know what to say - then say nothing! If I thought for one minute that 'keeping my chin up' or 'staying strong' would cure me of this insidious disease, then I wouldnt mind what they say. We do 'what we gotta do' and that is the bottom line. None of us chose this path to travel, but we do the damned best that we can. Hope your chemo goes well for you. Di 🙂

Re: Being "inspiring"

Allicat — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 08:04:35 GMT

Thanks Harker. You are exactly right in everything you said. I feel better to know that other people understand & feel the same as me. Especially about the feeling secretly brave because it is not something I would say to anybody. And about being boxed into a role of having to be brave & inspiring. People say to me that I am inspiring and they mean it to be encouraging. But I find it a strange thing to say - what I am inspiring them to do - are they planning to go out and get cancer and then go running so they can be just like me?

Re: Being "inspiring"

diannep52 — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 09:44:50 GMT

Hi Allicat I personally consider what a lot of people say 'is strange'. I often take their comments to mean 'well thank god its' you that's going through this, 'cause I dont think I would be able to cope'! I will just say what I've said in previous discussions, (and this is my personal experience only!) - if people dont know what to say or how to word their feelings, then I would prefer they say nothing! I have friends/acquantances who say 'you look so well, you cant be sick, you must be getting better!!' Most times I dont even respond anymore. What we 'look like on the outside' is certainly no indication of what is going on within our bodies, or our minds, for that matter. Thats why this site is so good, and others like it, 'cause we all know what we are going through. Good luck to you, take care Di 🙂

Re: Being "inspiring"

harker — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 00:14:59 GMT

The 'you look well' comment is interesting. I have tended to say 'gee, thanks' - or at least think that it is a 'nice' thing for someone to say - but now I wonder what I am thanking someone for. I don't doubt that people mean to be encouraging when they say 'you look really well'. But encouraging me is kind of beside the point. I am not playing a tennis match and there is no score I can achieve with the right encouragement. It is a comment that seems to hang around with nowhere to sit. So, as usual, the cancer survivor makes space somewhere for everyone and their comments to have a nice comfy seat. 'Thank you' has been easier than a no reply but I think I agree with your approach more and more, diannep52. I find Saturday morning is a great time to sit and post here. It is a very centering activity for me and is usually followed by making bread, other writing, cooking and snoozing. I like Saturdays. H

Re: Being "inspiring"

samex — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 03:16:11 GMT

What sort of bread Harker? Yum. A bit too hot in Sydney this week for baking. I think I am going to "bludge" a swim in the neighbour's pool. I can remember feeling actually quite relieved when a colleague said that I looked really tired one day. It was quite refreshing to have someone state the truth rather than try to cheer me up by saying that my pale, steroid bloated face looked OK. I also think that perhaps people have expectations of chemo patients to be throwing up constantly(I think my mother-in-law was actually disappointed that I was only nauseous. All her friends were always throwing up??), and thin and frail. I grew fat and while the fatigue was so frustrating, I hardly grew frail - thnkas to steroids. Sometime we don't fit the stereotype! Allicat, can I admire you for still running? I'm impressed!! Samex PS Harker - I hope you enjoyed your Saturday.

Re: Being "inspiring"

diannep52 — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 06:15:12 GMT

Hi Harker, I'm with you - I agree with everything you say, re: how WE accomodate others comments to make THEM feel better! It's the old aussie way of greeting people with 'hi, how are you?' when in actual fact nobody is really interested, and they have moved onto another conversation before you reply!! (hope that makes sense!) How'd the bread making go - I've never tried to make it, but I just love the smell of fresh baked bread! shame you cant share some with us, haha. As for your other Sat activities, I love the snoozing one too, I seem to do a lot of that lately! Hope you had a great day! Di 🙂

Re: Being "inspiring"

diannep52 — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 06:19:10 GMT

Hi Samex, your comments 'cracked me up' - I just loved them (your pale, steroid bloated face!!) i find it 'funny' for want of a better word, that people always know 'someone' who had worse cancer than me, or who had worse symptoms than me, or who looked sicker than me!!! I wasnt aware that cancer was a contest to see who could be the sickest or have the worse symptoms. I suppose all of these comments keep us amused, if nothing else! Hope you had a great day! Di 🙂

Re: Being "inspiring"

Allicat — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 01:39:57 GMT

Samex, you can be impressed by my running as long as you don't call me inspiring! Diannep, I think you're right about people's encourgaging comments also meaning "well thank god its' you that's going through this, 'cause I dont think I would be able to cope". Building us up into heroic types might be a way to separate us (the sort of person who would get cancer) from them (the sort of person who obviously would not get cancer).

Re: Being "inspiring"

samex — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 10:09:42 GMT

Allicat - that is a deal! Keep on going. S

Re: Being "inspiring"

Vicki_Anne — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 22:45:08 GMT

I can relate to every comment here from the last few days. People say to me "you are looking well" , people who dont even hardly know me at all as well as family. My Mum is the best at that, I think it is her coping mechansism maybe. When inside of me I feel like shit, struggling to even get around the house some days. I get really frustrated and cross with myself cause I cant do the basic stuff. And yes I tend to accomodate others words, thinking they mean well. and they are only trying to encourage you, Somedays you dont want encouraging. Most days I dont feel brave or strong, I just want things fixed, and that aint gonna happen. With you Samex, the steroids fill my face out a little and it makes me look not so haggard and frail. But the fatigue is phenomenal most of the time. @ Dianne, yes there is always someone they know who has had it worse or did this or that and it worked for them, maybe you could try that they say. Ha. NO..... The frustrating thing at the moment is the typing, Bad finger farting this morning they're not pushing the right keys. LOL. I end up back spacing and hitting the keys even harder. Thanks all for expressing my thoughts in words I couldnt have thought of. Enough venting for now Vicki PS I do have great family support but they cant actually do it for you on the inside.

Re: Being "inspiring"

diannep52 — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 02:19:41 GMT

Hi Vicki, I love your comment 'finger farting' - is that my problem? All this time I have been thinking it is 'chemo brain' not telling my fingers what to do!!! Hope you dont mind, but I am going to 'steal' your saying - I like that better!!! haha These forums/topics are great for 'people like us' - our little sisterhood/brotherhood 'thing' we have going, in so much that we can say exactly how we feel! If we say 'gee, I'm exhausted today', or 'I feel like shit' or ........whatever, we know the response will be from someone WHO IS FEELING EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! My partner STILL doesnt get the fatigue/tiredness side of things. After 2 years, all he says is 'you need to go to bed earlier!!!' I just cant get it through to him that I/we have an exhaustion that cant be cured by sleep,especially when undergoing chemo. Vicki, the family support is necessary, and I do have that, but they 'just dont get it!. Hope everyone is feeling Ok! Di 🙂