I had my first 3 month check up yesterday and I really don't know what I was expecting from it, but I really thought I would get some sort of scan or something to appease my mind. I had a pelvic examination and the doc says all looks good, of course it does, that's what the gyn/onco said even after a colposcopy. Wasn't till they cut into me that they could see anything. So this gives me no relief. How do I know that I don't have cancer anymore when I didn't even know I had it in the beginning? I'm told I have to wait another 3 months to have my PET scan. THIS will be the one which tells all. So, another 3 months of monitoring every twinge, ache, pain, feeling, toilet visit etc. All the while carrying on at work and everone thinks you are doing 'just fine' cos 'you look fantastic!' I'm not fine! I don't feel fantastic! I'm sh*tscared I still have cancer!!! And by the way I think I just sh*t my pants cos I have no bowell control these days!!!! In a perfect world, that would be what I would yell, not say (cos I just feel like yelling all the time!) back at these people. Not at any point have I moaned 'why me' I just put my head down and got on with the job with treatment and recovery. I've come out the other side and nothing around me has changed, but I have changed within it. I've really tried to not whinge too much, but since my appointment yesterday, so many feelings seem to have emerged from my surface which I'm thinking has been bubbling away for some time. All I want to do is whinge and cry cos I'm starting to feel that this isn't fair. I don't want this life - continually broken into 3 month blocks waiting for results to tell me I can go off again and worry for another 3 months. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be a cancer patient, I just want me back and working the way I used to. I don't want to crap my pants anymore, I don't want to go through menopause, I don't want to have to stick a plastic tube up my vag for fear of it closing over and I want to have ovaries and a uterus that works so I can have a baby. I don't want to be feeling sorry for myself, but today, I just do. Give me this one day, and I will carry on again tomorrow. x
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