My day started like most days with a new baby feeding, playing and sleeping. My endocrinologist still had not called with results of the biopsy, but my sub conscious mind was screaming call now! Like most people would I avoided it until I could no longer stand the overwhelming anxiety, it’s amazing how many things you can find to do around the house when you are completely avoiding the inevitable.
So, with every little bit of strength I had; my body trembling involuntarily, my heart pounding and my mouth so dry I could hardly talk I made the call. Much to my surprise he said “oh well no news is good news; I have not herd anything yet”, I felt this instant wave of relief and thanked him for his time.
My 2 month old son awoke to feed just as I was hanging up the phone; in that very moment I thought for the first time since my son was born I am free to enjoy him as I should. My mind swam with endless possibilities as my son fed contently, I know he sensed the shift in my mood and enjoyed it.
My moment was interrupted by another phone call, but I didn’t mind I was in a great place things were going to be fine until I herd “Mrs C where are you…is someone with you?” I was a little shocked! It was my endocrinologist “You need to come to the hospital straight away”. I could feel the room spinning, I gently put my son in his bassinet I knew I would not be able to stand much longer; as I hung up the phone I fell to the floor and cried uncontrollably. It seems my endocrinologist had not checked my file yet, within the space of 5 minutes I had gone from luckiest mummy alive to a completely shattered mess.
I didn’t need to go into the hospital to know what was happening; I had known my whole pregnancy something was not right; but I did need to find out what I was up against I could avoid it no longer. All the way to the hospital I could not speak, I could not move all I could do is stare blankly through the passenger window. In that moment all I could think is my son needs me, I just don’t have time for this.
As we entered the endocrine ward I felt myself slipping further inward, I knew my husband would have to listen for me; of course I do remember the first few words “Mrs C you have cancer” the rest is a complete blur. I did however here the last sentence “you need to have your thyroid removed within the next 2 weeks, I have made an appointment with the surgeon for you”.
At that moment I made an important decision, I could not give in to the fear; I would have to feel the fear and do it anyway. At that moment I lost something very precious that I will never get back; at that moment I lost my innocence.
