It was odd, being in the doctors surgery, hearing my long time G.P say the words, "I'm sorry". What was he sorry for? It's not his fault. He didn't give me breast cancer. It wasn't some pill he made me take, or anything he ever did. Then everyone I tell is sorry. My sister. My mum. My best friend. Everyone is sorry. I'm still just numb. Walking through a fog. Pushing my way through the jelly like day, waiting for the appointment with my surgeon in a weeks time. Time has literally slowed down. I don't feel sick, I don't feel like anything should be different, but one day lasts for what feels like three. It's an hour from now I pick my two kids up from school, and each minute drags by, my brain is consumed with.... I don't know. Certainly it's not the baskets of washing sitting to my right. Or the dog who is waiting at the door for his walk. Nor is my mind on the dinner I need to prepare, the beds to make or the floors to vacuum. It's been 2 minutes since I started typing. Feels like half an hour. I'm not sure I can do this waiting business. Is this normal? Am I ever going to have "normal" again?
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Hi Peta, I wish I had words of wisdom for you and I can,t imagine how you must be feeling right now. It will probably take some time for you to get your head around the news,reach out for help if you need it or just take time for yourself if that,s what you need. As for "normal", maybe a different normal for a while. Sending electronic hugs, Linda. PS. Just sitting patting your dog might help too.
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Thanks Louie. I'm feeling better this morning. It's not so hot here today, I think I may be able to get outside and take the dog (who is known as Bear the Brown Dog by those who love him) to the beach after school drop off. I've never been a patient person. Not really good at waiting. I'm into instant gratification. Maybe that's as I'm a generation X'er? I want it all, now, and I want it MY WAY. Take that away from me and I'm just the same scared little girl I was 20 years ago?
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You're probably going to hear a lot about the "new normal" - I guess what that means is that things will get back to normal eventually but it won't be quite the same version of normal because you will have had this experience. When I was diagnosed I was given a sort of guidebook for breast cancer. Did they give you something like that? I found it very helpful. You can also order a kit from BCNA (Breast Cancer Network Australia) that has a different guidebook and some other stuff. I found the kit somewhat irritating but in a helpful way if that makes sense. Waiting is definitely a very hard part of the whole cancer thing. I think it is normal to be stressed out by the waiting. Hope you and Bear had a good time at the beach.
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