here we go again

[maggie_ganderto]

Hospital check up (radiation clinic) left me feeling like I'd been shaken around, chewed up and then spat out again. New doctor again. "Well there's good news and bad news on yesterday's scan. The enlarged lymph gland is now much smaller--about half the size,but the nodule on your left lung has enlarged from 9mm to 8mm (this is where I looked at the Radiologists report!) and the nodule on your right lung has moved from 3mm to 9mm. So we can't cure this, so we'll refer you to the oncologist for chemo" I must have looked a bit pale...."I'll just call Dr ????Enter Dr I had actually met before, and she was lovely. Outcome is, yes, I'll probably have to settle for chemo at some point but a) they don't know what the nodules are, b)a PET scan would probably help out here but they are too small for scanning yet, so there's no point. I think I vagued out at this point. Next week is my check up with the surgeon. I feel much more comfortable with him and so far, always on a bit of a high when we leave his office. I'm sorry I read the report. As a piece of writing it was disorganised, poorly written, ambiguous but the one sentence on page 2 which shook my core was, "consistent with metastasis". I moved back a whole year in terms of panic, rage, weeping and wailing. I'm fitter than I have been for about 10 years..gym 5 days a week, walking up steep hills without stopping, just because I can, and having dropped 17 Kgs (through sheer hard slog and not eating everything I wanted but not needed!) I have a complete new wardrobe of clothes. I even wore my fancy new frock with matching cardi to the appointment. That outfit will never be the same for me again. But the doctor agreed that the long 5 week trip to UK and Europe in Dec/Jan would be fine, but did I want to chat to the oncologist before then so that I'd be prepared for when I get back? I DON'T KNOW. PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ALL THESE CHOICES AND DECISIONS TO MAKE WHEN I'M INCAPABLE OF MAKING THEM! So please make me coherant and organised when we see the surgeon next week. Also, I get to see the surgeon as a private patient, I am lucky in having good insurance. I get to see the same person each time, I went to a fabulous hospital where I felt secure and very comfortable. The Radio hospital is public only. The radio consultant, techs and nurse were wonderful. The receptionist, weighing nurse, chairs, long waiting times (at least 1 hour),changes of doctors, super depressing windowless waiting corridor just made me want to use my new found skill of running---anywhere and as fast and far away from the place as possible. I also still find it quite hard to say "I'm off to the Cancer Centre today," in a cheery voice. So I asked how it would be to go to the private hospital where I had been for surgery. I have insurance and as the surgeon put it when he suggested it, I would be freeing up a place for another public patient. Suits me, but the reaction from the registrar was "Yes, well of course it's very fancy and shiny there..." I sensed immediate resentment. My daughter (the doctor!) says it's my business where I go and it's got to be where I'm most comfortable. It's my call and I don't need to be nice and patient with everybody if I don't want to. If the receptionist is snotty, then I should tell her that the 'Charm-School' course she went on was a waste of money. Hey, I'm the one with the life -threatening condition and whilst I apologise in advance for being a little short with people it's time to do everything I can to help me. So I'm taking a day off from the gym today and I'll take the younger dogs for a fast and furious drag through the bush. I will feel better after that.

[maggie_ganderto]

Thank you so much to the ladies who sent me emails. It takes away the feeling of isolation and is good practical advice. Also had visits and spent time with good friends this weekend, though the barbeque with everyone telling me how well I looked and planning holidays for 2015 was a bit of a challenge! But I shall do it, because if we get to 2015 and I haven't got my tickets for the Chelsea Flower show I will be sorely disappointed and have to beat myself up for not trusting instincts/doctors/friends who have told me I could get there. so, what to do today? Don't feel like the gym yet, but have to water the roses and citrus trees. That's around 8 watering cans for the front and 25 for the back... I can't use a hose in our present state of bush fires, and it's really working those muscles carrying 10 litre cans around. Then, wash the dogs. They won't like it but it'll sure make me feel good to have sweet smelling furry friends around the house and not one delighted old thing who has just rolled in possum poo. To all you ladies out there, Thank You and have as much fun as you can today.