I feel miserable and just not enough.

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I feel miserable and just not enough.

Hi, I´m new to this group. My partner of 2 years has recently been diagnosed with testicular cancer. This isn´t the first time someone I love has cancer (my mother, aunts, uncles, grandparents all had cancer) but it has been one of the hardest. We´ll call him "Aiden" just I can better tell my story. He seem to be very angry at me lately. When he first started feeling sick our relationship suffered very greatly due to his terrible temper, when the word cancer was finally said I felt devasted. He had surgery last week and that´s when all this has been a living hell. Before his surgery, we talked, he said he was very scared (he has 2 young kids) and that he wanted me to know that I could leave the relationship because this was probably going to get very diffult. I obvisouly absolutely refused, how could I do that? No. Just no. I accompanied him to the hospital the day of his surgery then proceed to go to work. My job is zero flexible when it comes to days off, vacation o even to come in a few hours late, it doesn´t matter. He knows this very well. Due to some health complications he couldn´t have surgery on Tuesday. Since his mom was his emergency contact, the contacted her directly also, because of COVID only one family member was allowed to be there. It wasn´t until the following day that (Wed.) that he had surgery. I texted his mother, called her, did everything I could at a certain distance so that I could know when I could finally be there in person. I´m a single mother to a 6 yo girl, I could not leave my daughter Tuesday-Friday when I knew that I wasn´t going to be able to see him. I know it might sound selfish but he asked me that we would try to keep things normal so that he didn´t feel like a burden, he nerver has been. Since his mother took his cellphone home he didnt have anyway to communicate with me. On Thursday he was able to go home... that´s when it all started. Since his mother didn´t tell me and no information was ever given to me, I didn´t know. I truly didn´t know anything. The following day (Fri) I had a shift from 08-22 and couldn´t get off work earlier. He was mad, very mad. Saying I just didn´t care enough. I planned on visiting him on Saturday when I got off work, which I did but he said my visit was very forced. It wasnt. He was very, well no, he´s still very angry, that I wasn´t there when he left the hospital. It´s not that I didn´t want to but I honestly couldn´t skip work. Ever since he has been telling me that I´m a horrible person who much rather go about with my life. He seems to think that I just abandoned him. That´s all he says. We had an argument today because he said that I have shown my true colors. He told his friends that I wasn´t there when he needed me. I don´t know what he wants. Today he said that he doesn´t think that I´m that person for him, he has doubts because I did a crappy thing. I can´t lose my job, not because I don´t love him but because I have a daughter I have to care for. He just seems to angry. Nothing I do or say is enough I don´t know what to do. Since Friday, when he decided to go off on me, I´ve had at least 4 panic attacks. 

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Re: I feel miserable and just not enough.

Don't blame yourself or feel guilty. Just try to be more understanding, maybe, he's reacting that way because he fear he may lose you. Just don't give up trying your best to be with him. Text or call him even more whenever you can't be with him physically.

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