Yep, I am still in limbo land....thinking of getting a job as a limbo dancer now.... Nothing has changed,and I mean nothing at all....it has not got easier, despite all the words of wisdom from many in the early days. I still feel like I am having a heart attack every week...some days the pain is so bad I feel it radiate down my arm and into my wrists , to the palms of my hands into my fingers.....some days so bad all I can do is cry and hold my hands under cold water to get the cirulation back....however the doctor is still adamant it is all in my mind.... I still look like crap......and I don't care if I don't try to look half decent....I just can't find a reason to do all the "brush my hair" "find a matching bag for the shoes" "wear a dress instead of the requisite track suit" thing at all...... We are still no closer to resolution of Marks estate, we are still,if not more, invisible at this point of time....to all except the lawyers who are battling Marks business partner so he doesn't scarper off into the sunset and leave us with the liabilities and homeless within the next few months.... I still look out the window and see him walking down the path to go to work at 6am and then at the end of the day 5.30pm I could swear on a bank of bibles I see him walking up the path , stop to pat the dog and chat to him and then walk towards the door to come in for a cool drink. I still hear him laugh, or scoff with disbelief, if I watch the television shows he loves...... I can still hear him talking to me, I guess I am supposed to feel comfort in this , but, I don't feel anything except that maybe I am finally going out of my mind, that this could be good because soon I wont know who I am or care anymore. On my birthday I imagined him sitting across from me and with that beautiful look in his eyes telling me how much he loved me....this day was so bad, I numbed myself with alcohol and fell into our bed in a mind numbing drunken stupor clutching his jumper and breathing into it so deeply in hope it would give me the oxygen I lack now he is gone. And here we are now my lovely friends, just around the corner from Christmas, the time when we would be putting up the tree and getting into the mood for what was THE best time of our lives, work finished for a month very shortly, too much partying, too much eating,too much drinking, too much laughter, too much dancing, too much loving....... Instead, I will sit here as I do every day....too much missing him...too much crying....too much loneliness...too much dying slowly inside....too much sadness.........too much overwhelming sadness....too tired...too much loss..... So, back to limbo dancing. Mrs Nobody
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I have been searching my heart for words of comfort for you Jewel but words alone cannot take away the pain of losing a loved one. After my losing my mum, I would pick up the phone to ring her and then realise I couldn’t, the realisation took my breath away. It was painful and heartbreaking to feel so empty but there were also times when I felt warmth surround my body, I felt this was mum enveloping me in her arms, comforting me with her love. Please don’t think of yourself as Mrs Nobody, keep reaching out for help, you may find comfort from unexpected places. Jewel, has your doctor suggested testing to confirm whether your symptoms are/or are not medical? I ask this because the symptoms you describe might be anxiety attacks. I have had experienced similar symptoms, very frightening. Once it was explained to me that I was experiencing anxiety attacks I learnt strategies to take control over my responses, over time the attacks eased and then ceased. It is awful that you have to contend with legal issues with a business partner, he should be ashamed of himself. I hope the outcome is favourable for you Jewel. Will be thinking of you. Keep writing, sometimes just writing can help in a small way. Warm Regards, Reindeer xxx
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Hi Jewel I wish that I could write something that would help and know that I can't. I too will be thinking of you and echo Reindeer's words. Julie xo
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Jewel, Please remember that you can always come here. It won't stop the pain but at least you can "talk" to others who may have some understanding. I have "only" lost wonderful friends to these dreaded disease at young ages but the wife of my friend experienced exactly what you are. Her doctor finally helped her anxiety with medication and counselling. If your doctor won't help you, find one who will. It is real. Very real - not just in your head. My heart goes out to you, Samex
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Hi Jewel. I understand what you are going through but it must be harder for you as Mark was your husband and I lost my dad. But he was my best friend and I always turned to him for advice- spoke to him every day and if I had a problem I knew I could always ring him and he would make things better. I wanted him to come and live with me for ages and by the time we moved his stuff here he was back in hospital and he never saw his "new setup" he would have been so happy but he went down hill so fast and never made it to my place.Like you (even the night before he passed) I got taken to ED with chest pain, problems with breathing etc and I have had stroke and 2 small heart attacks but they did all tests and said it was just stress over dad but I know dad would not like to see me like this. Yes I also feel my dad around me all the time and that is comforting but I would give ANYTHING just to have him back for a second but I know that will not happen so I have to deal with that and I am lucky to have 4 grandkids who need me. Every Thurs at 11.12 I cry and think of him(as I do all the time) and family say I'm crazy but I know as long as I think of him he will always be with me.I will be thinking of you over Xmas as I also am dreading it. But please be kind to yourself and think as I do "would he like to see you like this" I know easier said than done but that is what is getting me through. Take care xoxo Chris
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Hi Jewel, I, like the others who have written, am thinking of you, and wishing you some peace amidst the limbo dancing. What a gift the love you shared, and still share, with Mark is - you write so beautifully about it. His legacy of love and care for you just shines out from your words. I have a friend whose husband died 12 months ago, she recently told me, "it doesn't actually get easier, in fact it gets harder, then somehow it changes and you find yourself living on." I don't know what that is like for her, but I feel privelaged that she allows me to share time with her during the hard slog it's been. The hope she gives me is that the overwhelming sadness can pass, and somehow changes, in the time that's right for each person. I've found this to be true in my own journey with cancer. I don't know if it is of any help to you in your journey, but I do wish you well. And I hope you can find people to travel alongside you who can help with the debilitating stuff - maybe a new doctor? Take care Zen
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