Another horrible day, in a horrible week of having chemotherapy.

[Milo01]

I don’t have anyone to say this to, so I will say this here.

 I am having another horrible day in this week of my cycle of chemotherapy.

My chemotherapy is every week and depending on the week, can be every weekday or alternate weeks of one day and then rest for a few days. Then repeat.

 I am having a hard time mentally and physically. It is just another day that I have to survive through, not live through. And for many reasons.

 I have always been a “good” patient at the hospital, even before I was diagnosed and being treated with chemotherapy. I am quiet and do as I am told with no hesitation or resistance, even when I am in pain or feeling really ill. I am polite and thank people for everything, even if they are small things. I understand that these are the people who are working their jobs and being rude won’t help anything. I am also grateful to be getting this treatment at all. But I feel like at the moment, I may become a “hard” patient.

I feel at the moment so bad physically and mentally that I just want to run away and am terrified for my next chemotherapy appointment for next week. Next week will be 5 days in a row that week in the CDU. My last week of this, my experience was so bad and I got so ill, I was hospitalised. I live in a house full of people,but none of them have helped me during chemotherapy. I ask for help, tell them what I need help with and I still get nothing. I am left alone to the point I could have been passed out for hours and no one would know. I am legitimately reliant on the call 000 option on my smart watch to call for help. I have been referred to Social Worker’s etc, but nothing comes of it. I don’t know if they are in denial or something similar, but that doesn’t help me on a day to day basis. And I would be helping them if the situations were reversed.

Mentally I hate each day that is passing and bringing me closer to the start of this new week. 5 days in a row at the CDU. I am anxious that I won’t make it through this week again, not if it will be as bad as the last I experienced. Anxious about the motion sickness in the car I experience on every hospital journey to and from it, trying not to vomit. Anxious about how I am going to get food and water to sustain myself, not passing out when I move about the house and worried about how I won’t wake up when I go to sleep at night. I am worried about vomiting or having a nose bleed whilst I am asleep. I am anxious that they won’t be able to cannulate me as my veins are shrinking or blowing out now. And anxious about vomiting every day. I have to survive everyday as it is coming,not living it. And I have to do it on my own.

Physically, my body hasn’t rebounded back as it has before and I am so tired. Sleep is my favourite part of the day. 8 hours of nothing. But for days now, and this is my off week of just one day of chemotherapy, I can’t sleep. I wake up stiff and my body hurts, not feeling refreshed. I have headaches from my neck and head staying in the one spot for hours. I no longer roll or change positions in my sleep. I stay in the one place for hours. I will wake up in the same position I went to sleep in. My platelets in my blood test came back low this week and my nose has randomly started bleeding. And for long periods of time too. I have to sit and work out if I need to ring 000 or not. And my body just isn’t comfortable, not even to nap. I have no energy. My chest feels short of breath sometimes. And I dread using the toilet. Sometimes I feel like I might pass out using it. It is the Vegas nerve that sometimes gets activated. (Like when people see blood and faint) All these things I have informed nurses and doctors about.

And to top it off, the elderly dog in our house has reached the end of there time here in life. They were hospitalised this week and were released back to our house. But we have been told that it is a matter of time for them and is now about quality of life. It is ultimately day to day for them. And I have no power or way to help them through this time. I don’t know if I will be able to say goodbye to them or be in the room with them when they pass. I maybe in the hospital when it happens or too unwell to be able to make it through the time that is needed on my feet. And as you can imagine this adds another layer of stress to my days. Though I am old enough to know, that this isn’t my dog’s fault or blaming them. I have been advised to try not to cry as it may irritate my nose and make it bleed. But how am I not supposed to cry now or when they pass. I cry because I love them.

 I had just assumed I would do my chemotherapy, get sick from it and then it would be done, when I was told it was. I never factored real life going on around it too. And sometimes that can be overwhelming when you combine them together.

So, it is just another hard day amongst many in a row. And it is hard to be alone. I sincerely hope you are not alone if you are having chemotherapy. And if you are having chemotherapy, I hope you are feeling better soon. 
Milo01