well Friday i had to make some calls and get my dad back out to see his specialist.... He really wasnt looking too good and for him to even allow me to call the doctors was his way of saying im not doing so great. With the mouth cancer already being aggressive we knew the radiotherapy would only slow down the growth... it was never a cure but he responded so well to it. Now here we are 6 months later and he's going back for two more sessions to try and slow down a tumor that has appeared on the other side of his chin. they have basically told my dad now at the hospital it most likely wont be the actual cancer that kills him, it will be that he wont be able to eat or drink and his body will slowly just shut down. I leave for my trip in 9 days and i almost cancelled it... but my family has really encouraged me to keep the dates set. i dont know if this is because they know i need some "me" time or if they know i wont get another chance this year. I have had to do what i never thought i would in organizing a palliative care team from the hospital to come out and put some modifications in the house to help my dad with some easier mobility while im away... as well as having them visit when im gone (i am one of those over protective worrying types and it does drive people mad... BUT i know every base is covered when sh*t hits the fan). I am REALLY happy now that i started organizing everything last week and that my kitchen pantry is full (over full) with everything he can eat and drink, at least a month supply. From Tuesday next week... i wont have a moment left to myself during day hours anyway. i spoke to my aunty yesterday.... she keeps pushing me to get power of attorney... i have no idea what this involves... or what it means. i just know if he doesn't make a will i have control of his assets or something like that. BUT on a plus note... ive been spending a lot of time with my dad the last week or so ... more so then normal. just talking, laughing, complaining (something we both do well). And if this is all the time i have left with him then i thank heaven that ive been here with him every step of the way. Regardless of how i have been perceived by others as a robot, shut off with no feelings about it (yes i have been told to my face that im just being bossy and have no emotion about my dad by a very close family member none the less) i have realized that none of this is going to matter... i am ALWAYS going to remember my dad the way he was and i am always going to remember the last year ive had with him and treasure it... because i got to have what neither of my brothers have ever had and thats a close and loving relationship with my father... the one man who never showed us emotion as children, who though me that "thommo's never give up" ( i may need to explain my surname is Thompson and my dad was known to the boys at the pub as thommo), and despite the hardships my family has faced when i finally loose my dad, i wont have any regrets because i got to show him how much i love him and i got to be there.
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