Denial seems only option

[patchey1au]

I first found a lump in my right breast just over 3 years ago and after seeing a specialist, I had a ultra sound and had a biopsy, which stuffed me financially as I had to pay full fee for biopsy as medicare stuffed up and would not refund me,and I was out of work and struggling to live day to day, as I had just broken up with my husband. This lump was found to be benign and I was glad. A year and a half ago I found another small lump in the same breast so off to the specialist again. When she seen me she checked both beast and found what she said was another lump in other breast, which I also felt after this.I was given a referral to get a mammogram ,and ultra sound and an xray. ok so this is were I have stopped. i still can not get work and have 2 children still at home. Last year 2013 was the worst year I have ever had, both financially mentally as have been stressing about how much its all going to cost to find out if its bad, im sure its not good as I have found more little lumps. I have nothing to sell, my car keeps breaking down as its 20 years old and a replacement for the car i had the died last year. Xmas was tight with bugeting just to cover the basics like rent, school stuff, food ect. There has been not excess for anything else. with this I fell behind on rent and had to borrow money from my father whom has retired and broke just to pay that back, we still got evicted and have had to come up the moving costs which has put me further behind, take from peter to pay paul type thing. its now not working. I do not talk to the few people I do have around me, being My dad who is in another state, my partner, my kids father and a few close friends. I do not want people to feel sorry for me I want a job and a resolve for all of t his....Im sick of it, it has to get easier. I worry only that if I do not get the treatment soon my kids will be the ones to suffer. I have no idea who to talk to or what to do next, all I know is to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Im kinda scared to talk to anyone about how I feel and stuff.I dont want to be judged for my way, I do the best I can with what I have and thats the best I can do. I will fight on.

[patchey1au]

ok I have made the fisrt step back on track, I think today was the breaking point for me that I can not stay in denial, I have seeked prof' help , contacted cancer council for advice. Went to my GP straight away, it was good he seen me right away and I will be getting scans done on Monday, I thought I might get a little counselling to keep me on track too, so that is also on Monday after scans. Now just to call breast clinic for app'. I feel exhausted, but least i'm on the way to finding out i'm healthy. stay positive.

[SILLY]

That's so much better than denial . The Cancer Council are wonderful .

[patchey1au]

Up early with my boys this morn, spending some quality time befor they went to school, love every bit of it,then im off to get a mammogram and ultra sound on both breasts. Not sure how I feel, I have both high and low feelings. I do know that I feel like I have a knot in my chest, its a heavy feeling. Im guessing that its just an underlying stress. There is no time to be in denial so I throw myself into the wild, but this time I am going prepared for the journey.