It's been a month since Les passed away, I am just not coping well at all,I have returned to Sydney from Perth where he died and brought his ashes back with me, am staying at my daughters place at the moment as I do not have a residence to return to,as we were renting before making the caravan our home.
The problem is I have this overwhelming sadness all the time and anything and everything seems to bring me to tears, just a kind word from a stranger or a memory. By the same token I sometimes feel anger and resentment at Les for not doing what I asked and seeing a Doctor early in the piece when he first started having problems.
I feel I cannot discuss this with my daughter at the moment as she is in the middle of planning a trip to the USA at the end of the month and also she and her partner are getting married in Las Vegas while they are there. I suppose she does not want to involve me in their plans wrongly thinking it may upset me that I and her father will not be there when I ask her about plans she shrugs them off as if it is not important and virtually has said it is their wedding and they will do it their way.
Our son and partner were very supportive when I was over there, however having only met his partner once in the nine years they have been together I did not feel I could talk about my feelings with her and that is the reason I preferred to be back East with daughter and grandchildren. The lack of response from my husbands' family has not helped matters either I still have not had one word from any of them.
I guess in a lot of ways it is my fault that there is this lack of communication in our family, but it is also a fear of not wanting people to be upset to try dealing with my grief, it is also a fault of mine that I never was one to express feelings a lot and tended to keep things to myself. Also there are now the grandchildren to cope with and keep on a happy face for.
Maybe while they are all away at the end of the month and I am house sitting for them I will see things a little clearer and start to plan for the rest of my life, I have not been the type to wallow in self pity so all these feelings are completely alien to me. It will have been our 40th wedding anniversary in three weeks time so that will be another hurdle to overcome.
I feel a little better for having sat down to write this and as it is now 4am in the morning I suppose I should try and get a little rest, at least I have something to do here at my daughters, ie: help with the kids and housework etc. so apologies to anyone that reads this for being so long winded.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.