It's been a month since Les passed away, I am just not coping well at all,I have returned to Sydney from Perth where he died and brought his ashes back with me, am staying at my daughters place at the moment as I do not have a residence to return to,as we were renting before making the caravan our home. The problem is I have this overwhelming sadness all the time and anything and everything seems to bring me to tears, just a kind word from a stranger or a memory. By the same token I sometimes feel anger and resentment at Les for not doing what I asked and seeing a Doctor early in the piece when he first started having problems. I feel I cannot discuss this with my daughter at the moment as she is in the middle of planning a trip to the USA at the end of the month and also she and her partner are getting married in Las Vegas while they are there. I suppose she does not want to involve me in their plans wrongly thinking it may upset me that I and her father will not be there when I ask her about plans she shrugs them off as if it is not important and virtually has said it is their wedding and they will do it their way. Our son and partner were very supportive when I was over there, however having only met his partner once in the nine years they have been together I did not feel I could talk about my feelings with her and that is the reason I preferred to be back East with daughter and grandchildren. The lack of response from my husbands' family has not helped matters either I still have not had one word from any of them. I guess in a lot of ways it is my fault that there is this lack of communication in our family, but it is also a fear of not wanting people to be upset to try dealing with my grief, it is also a fault of mine that I never was one to express feelings a lot and tended to keep things to myself. Also there are now the grandchildren to cope with and keep on a happy face for. Maybe while they are all away at the end of the month and I am house sitting for them I will see things a little clearer and start to plan for the rest of my life, I have not been the type to wallow in self pity so all these feelings are completely alien to me. It will have been our 40th wedding anniversary in three weeks time so that will be another hurdle to overcome. I feel a little better for having sat down to write this and as it is now 4am in the morning I suppose I should try and get a little rest, at least I have something to do here at my daughters, ie: help with the kids and housework etc. so apologies to anyone that reads this for being so long winded.
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Contributor
It is the overwhelming sadness that encompasses our day and night. The loss of someone so close for so long is difficult. They become a part of you and when the terrible finality becomes a reality, it feels as if your heart has been ripped out. My wife and I were soul mates for 40yrs and cancer took her away from me and my children. She was 58 I also look for answers, why didnt she do this or that. Why didnt she go to the doctors sooner, years sooner. Why didnt she follow my advice. It dosnt make any difference now. But the thoughts and the search for answers in our mind, go on and on relentlessly. Your children like mine, want to move on with their lives, and who can blame them?. They have a future to get on with and do not want to be held back with what has happened. They feel, whats done is done and what needs to be said has been. They do not want to keep going over the same ground. Whats the point?. But for people like us, those who have lost their soulmate, the sadness is omnipresent. It is our grief, and we must deal with it in our own way and as best we can. take care Wombat4
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Hi Gypsy. I lost my husband on 20th Nov 2011 after a 27 month battle with colorectal cancer. He was only 51. We too had travelled aroung in our motorhome a bit over 18 months tackling the Nullabor on three trips from west to east and back. We too had so much to look forward to together. We had been together for 13 years and married for 18 months when he passed. The sadness and lonliness I feel i can hardly describe. I have lost parents and friends before but have come to realise that losing your partner the love of your life is a completely different thing. No one can understand what you are gong through except another widow/widower. I have been on another blog site quite a bit it is http://www.everafterwidowed.com/ an Australian site and although it says its for widows/widowers with young children it is also for any of us. If you read through other peoples stories and questions you will realise we are not going crazy as others are going through the same as us. Please message me if you would like to talk. Sending cyber hugs and love your way. Gail xxx
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Thank you both Wombat4 and Gail, these forums are good aren't they, it helps put things in perspective and gives people a chance to vent. I did have a long chat with my daughter today and she also is grieving and said that it also hits her at the oddest times, like when she is in the shower and at midnight etc.it is hard to face the reality of it all I guess. Also we were having a bit of a problem with the second grandaughter, she is not really good at verbalising her feelings like the other two, she is only 12 years old but she was very close to her Pop, she was acting up at school and telling her parent she hates them, but suddenly today I gave her Pop's dressing gown and she immediately put it on and tonight she went to bed in it. So maybe that was her way of coping too. I hope the two of you stay with the forum, you are great and it is good to talk to you.
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Hi there.... So sorry for your loss, I am in a similar position also, i lost my husband Les in February 2012, we would have been married 41 years this may and i know exactly how you feel. I would love to be able to contact you privately and maybe you and i could help each other. Regards Judy
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Thank you Judy yes I would love to contact you, I am not sure how to do this though Do you know how???
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Thank you Judy yes I would love to contact you, I am not sure how to do this though Do you know how???
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Contributor
Hi All, It's great to see the connection and support you have been able to share in this space! Just a word of caution regarding sharing your personal contact details such as phone numbers and email addresses - because these spaces are publically viewable, posting this information may result in undesirable contact such as spam or nuisance phone calls. If you would like to share more personal information with other users, we would encourage you to utilise the private messaging function - you can find this at http://www.cancerconnections.com.au/messages. For more information, you might also like to see http://www.cancerconnections.com.au/content/how-use-website Please don't hesitate to get in contact with us if you have any questions (via http://www.cancerconnections.com.au/contact) Warm Regards, Kate Cancer Connections Admin Team
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Dear Gypsy, I have been overseas for 5 weeks & I'm so sorry to hear that Les passed away. Your grief in losing a life long partner will never go away, but you will learn to go on with life even though it may seem empty without Les. John was 66 when he passed away on 29th October 2011 we had been married 43 years. It's over 7 months now & I still cry almost daily, sometimes I cry because I'm angry that his cancer was discovered too late to be cured, sometimes because I feel why did I have to lose my husband when all my friends & relatives of the same age still have theirs & sometimes because I just plain miss my husband. I lost my mother to cancer 39 years ago, I don't grieve her loss now but unfortunately I won't live long enough to ever get over the loss of my darling John. My thoughts are with you in our common journey of grief. Take care BJS
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Contributor
Gypsy, I am so sorry you lost your husband, Les. After only a month, I am not surprised at how you feel. When my first husband died aged 49 in '93 (from a heart attack) I went through the physical actions of coping but was off the planet emotionally and mentally as I felt I had lost half of myself. Two years down the track I finally got some grief counselling at the local hospital. Even now 19 years later I can still have a little weep at times. He was a wonderful man and deserves every tear that fell for him. Feel what you feel, cry when you must, talk it out to whom you can, maybe gather photos or keepsakes and make a collage or album or something special. Slowly and gently over time things will change and you will feel whole again and stronger. Do an on-line search 'coping with grief and loss' and find some information that is sure to help. Warm hugs of comfort, Pamela (((hugs)))
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