Right now, I'm feeling a pretty even balance between guilt and total utter resentment.
I managed to get a long weekend - Sunday, Monday and today - Cup Day. 3 days away from work? Are you serious? Phwoaaaaaar. Imagine what I could do with 3 days off... relax, read, sit in the sun, get a massage...
Want to know what I did? I cleaned my kitchen, I did countless loads of washing, cooked, changed sheets on the bed, weeded and cleaned up the backyard of all the dog poop, food shopping, taxi'd Rob to and from hospital, put washing away and dutifully visited family in law members. I'm now exhausted, sore (my hamstrings are screwed from all the weeding etc), frustrated, resentful and quite rightly pissed off.
My brother in law has been over to our house for every one of those 3 days. Not because he wanted to visit, but because he wanted something. The same with my sister in law.
Yesterday, she called Rob because she wanted his assistance in picking up her new iPhone from the store. Obviously, she is unable to pick up a phone herself. This also applies to buying a car, buying a new camera, a new PC monitor or any other sort of appliance/gadget. She's 21.
Today, we visited my FIL and my brother in law asked Rob to look at his printer (which used to be ours before we upgraded) as it wouldn't print. I will note that my BIL is a graphic designer and knows how to use technology. Rob dutifully checked it out and concluded that the yellow inkwell was empty. BIL asks if he can come over to print something later. Meanwhile, have bugged SIL about the state of her room again and asked if I can clean it. She tells me to fuck off. By now, I'm fuming.
Of course, BIL takes his time as he doesn't have any concept that we have lives of our own. He turns up as Rob is cooking me dinner. Rob's printer also decides to chuck in the towel and of course, I then must look after dinner while this connundrum is sorted out.
Now, my SIL and BIL live with their dad still. For reasons unknown, this means that everyone else must do stuff for them, they are uncapable of looking after themselves. I do actually like my in laws (all of them) but the brother and sister are on the point of driving me crazy with their total ineptitude and laziness. It generally means they rope Rob into helping them.
Lately, I can feel my resentment and frustration building. I'm working my ass off, caring for Rob, running the house, looking after the pets, dealing with my accident litigation, attending medical appointments, Rob's medical appointments, shopping, making sure bills get paid. I mentioned to Rob that I was starting to drown, I'm overwhelmed and totally exhausted. I need his help when he's up to it.
You can forgive me for going completely bonkers when, yesterday I was outside picking up dog poop, wearing my PJs (hadn't gotten around to dressing yet), no bra and Rob pulls up the blind and informs me through the window that my SIL is here and he's going to the shops with her. She says hi. I look at her like she's got 5 heads and hope to God that my head doesn't explode from anger build up.
Basically, if my BIL/SIL call and say they need help, Rob jumps up and runs off to assist. If I say I need help, I may as well bash my head on a wall and do it myself. It's a hell of a lot easier.
After tonight's dinner fiasco, my resentment exploded in anger and of course, Rob copped it because I'm far too polite to say anything to in laws and jeopardise carefully built relationships.
I told Rob that, next weekend, his family wasn't welcome at our house. They didn't need to call each other 23984983 times every day and for once, we could plan to do something fun. By ourselves. His brother and sister would cope without him for 2 days surely.
I mentioned that I feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING while his priority was seeing what was coming out for download and making sure BIL/SIL can't look after themselves by holding their hands. I'd be shocked if they actually used any sort of initiative and did something on their own.
My home is my sanctuary and if I'm feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed, I like to retreat to where I feel safe - home. And I don't like to have that space invaded. I haven't had one god damned day to myself over the past 3 days, I've barely spent any time with Rob and I'm bloody exhausted from all the crappy bullshit household work I've had to do because if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. And now I'm going back to work tomorrow probably more stressed than when I left on Saturday. Story of my fucking life.
Nobody really seems to notice how much I do, ask if they can help or how I'm handling everything. God forbid, they have to tear themselves away from their iPhones, computers or cars. Tonight, I finally snapped and sat at the dinner table crying, wondering why I felt so shitty about myself and guilty for taking it out on other people, especially Rob as he's got cancer and doesn't need the stress of my stress.
Personally, I think I've finally reached my limit. I'm running on empty and as I mentioned to Rob yesterday, I have nothing left to give. Anything I do have is for him and I, no one else. I'm fairly sure he doesn't get it although he says he does.
OK I think I've ranted enough. There has gotta be someone out there who has gone through similar stuff and knows how much I wanna throttle the living shit out of someone right now. Please feel free to comment - if I tell you to go fuck yourself, I'll apologise now as I'm rather stressed, rather tense and rather not myself.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.