Right now, I'm feeling a pretty even balance between guilt and total utter resentment. I managed to get a long weekend - Sunday, Monday and today - Cup Day. 3 days away from work? Are you serious? Phwoaaaaaar. Imagine what I could do with 3 days off... relax, read, sit in the sun, get a massage... Want to know what I did? I cleaned my kitchen, I did countless loads of washing, cooked, changed sheets on the bed, weeded and cleaned up the backyard of all the dog poop, food shopping, taxi'd Rob to and from hospital, put washing away and dutifully visited family in law members. I'm now exhausted, sore (my hamstrings are screwed from all the weeding etc), frustrated, resentful and quite rightly pissed off. My brother in law has been over to our house for every one of those 3 days. Not because he wanted to visit, but because he wanted something. The same with my sister in law. Yesterday, she called Rob because she wanted his assistance in picking up her new iPhone from the store. Obviously, she is unable to pick up a phone herself. This also applies to buying a car, buying a new camera, a new PC monitor or any other sort of appliance/gadget. She's 21. Today, we visited my FIL and my brother in law asked Rob to look at his printer (which used to be ours before we upgraded) as it wouldn't print. I will note that my BIL is a graphic designer and knows how to use technology. Rob dutifully checked it out and concluded that the yellow inkwell was empty. BIL asks if he can come over to print something later. Meanwhile, have bugged SIL about the state of her room again and asked if I can clean it. She tells me to fuck off. By now, I'm fuming. Of course, BIL takes his time as he doesn't have any concept that we have lives of our own. He turns up as Rob is cooking me dinner. Rob's printer also decides to chuck in the towel and of course, I then must look after dinner while this connundrum is sorted out. Now, my SIL and BIL live with their dad still. For reasons unknown, this means that everyone else must do stuff for them, they are uncapable of looking after themselves. I do actually like my in laws (all of them) but the brother and sister are on the point of driving me crazy with their total ineptitude and laziness. It generally means they rope Rob into helping them. Lately, I can feel my resentment and frustration building. I'm working my ass off, caring for Rob, running the house, looking after the pets, dealing with my accident litigation, attending medical appointments, Rob's medical appointments, shopping, making sure bills get paid. I mentioned to Rob that I was starting to drown, I'm overwhelmed and totally exhausted. I need his help when he's up to it. You can forgive me for going completely bonkers when, yesterday I was outside picking up dog poop, wearing my PJs (hadn't gotten around to dressing yet), no bra and Rob pulls up the blind and informs me through the window that my SIL is here and he's going to the shops with her. She says hi. I look at her like she's got 5 heads and hope to God that my head doesn't explode from anger build up. Basically, if my BIL/SIL call and say they need help, Rob jumps up and runs off to assist. If I say I need help, I may as well bash my head on a wall and do it myself. It's a hell of a lot easier. After tonight's dinner fiasco, my resentment exploded in anger and of course, Rob copped it because I'm far too polite to say anything to in laws and jeopardise carefully built relationships. I told Rob that, next weekend, his family wasn't welcome at our house. They didn't need to call each other 23984983 times every day and for once, we could plan to do something fun. By ourselves. His brother and sister would cope without him for 2 days surely. I mentioned that I feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING while his priority was seeing what was coming out for download and making sure BIL/SIL can't look after themselves by holding their hands. I'd be shocked if they actually used any sort of initiative and did something on their own. My home is my sanctuary and if I'm feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed, I like to retreat to where I feel safe - home. And I don't like to have that space invaded. I haven't had one god damned day to myself over the past 3 days, I've barely spent any time with Rob and I'm bloody exhausted from all the crappy bullshit household work I've had to do because if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. And now I'm going back to work tomorrow probably more stressed than when I left on Saturday. Story of my fucking life. Nobody really seems to notice how much I do, ask if they can help or how I'm handling everything. God forbid, they have to tear themselves away from their iPhones, computers or cars. Tonight, I finally snapped and sat at the dinner table crying, wondering why I felt so shitty about myself and guilty for taking it out on other people, especially Rob as he's got cancer and doesn't need the stress of my stress. Personally, I think I've finally reached my limit. I'm running on empty and as I mentioned to Rob yesterday, I have nothing left to give. Anything I do have is for him and I, no one else. I'm fairly sure he doesn't get it although he says he does. OK I think I've ranted enough. There has gotta be someone out there who has gone through similar stuff and knows how much I wanna throttle the living shit out of someone right now. Please feel free to comment - if I tell you to go fuck yourself, I'll apologise now as I'm rather stressed, rather tense and rather not myself.
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Jo, I feel like anything I say is likely to be 'inadequate' but KNOW that I/we are thinking of you and hoping that things get better.
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hey Versaillon, Just wanted to saya sympathise with you. When I was sick (cancer) I had a new baby and could barley get out of bed yet I was still expected to do everything. Then my husband got sick (cancer)and my MIL decided to come and stay, she sat around crying that her son was dying while my husband ran around and cleaned and cooked and made her tea. She couldn't (even though she was home all day) even go and pick up our son once from care when I had to work long hours to make enough money to pay our bills. This is the time when people tend to show their true colours, I do admit though I have recently learned sometimes you ahve to ask for help and tell people where your at. I hope things get better for you soon and try to remeber your emoitions are heightend because you are under alot of stress. XXHugs Amanda
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Hey Amanda Phew, at least someone knows! I just reread my post and realised what a jumbled mess it was. I wrote it when I was completely out of my mind with stress LOL. And you're right, everything is heightened with stress as I read it now and I think - well it's not really that bad. Poor Rob must think I'm totally crazy at times. I finally found the crux of my mood. Finally admitted to Rob that I am absolutely shit scared of his cancer returning after all this and that I'll lose him. Well. That might have something to do with how I'm behaving mightn't it? LOL
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Hey Amanda Phew, at least someone knows! I just reread my post and realised what a jumbled mess it was. I wrote it when I was completely out of my mind with stress LOL. And you're right, everything is heightened with stress as I read it now and I think - well it's not really that bad. Poor Rob must think I'm totally crazy at times. I finally found the crux of my mood. Finally admitted to Rob that I am absolutely shit scared of his cancer returning after all this and that I'll lose him. Well. That might have something to do with how I'm behaving mightn't it? LOL
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Thanks Mrs Elton. Seems the shoe is on the other foot this time hehe. It's just nice to know that people are thinking of me for once, not just Rob. Take care xxx
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Hey, Reading your post gave me a few flashbacks and now that its been a few years I can even chuckle about some of them. I'm Amanda's husband and we had a lot of similar experiences to you. I'll never forget the text message I received from my dad about half an hour before Amanda had to go in for radioactive iodine treatment. It read 'Norton AV'. Amanda had to be away from me and our 6 month old for about 6 weeks for the treatment (because it would make her radioactive), and as you can imagine it was a very stressful day. It didn't help that no-one wanted to be there for it. Anyway, Dad was reminding me he needed my anitvirus disc (and not for the first time that day). He didn't need it to load the program on his computer - he'd already done that. He wanted to make a back-up copy 'just incase'. Apparently all he heard when I told him about what was happening was that I had the day off and could drop in with the disc. I never gave it to him. Don't feel bad for being stressed. Sometimes you need to let people know when they're being more of a hindrance than a help. Even if its just to make yoursefl feel better. Steve
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Thanks Steve. That last paragraph made me feel so much better. I felt guilty for lashing out because I'm overstressed, your comment made me realise that I'm handling an abnormal chronic situation so I'm sure people can forgive me if I politely tell them to fuck off at times. I for the life of me, can not figure out why people insist on needing the most inane things during what is probably the most stressful and important period in your lives. It's not like it can't wait. People sometimes just need a kick in the ass I swear. Thanks again for the wisdom! Take care Jo
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Hey Jo Your post reminded me of my own little explosion earlier in the year. My hubby has a stage 4 brain tumour and was diagnosed in Mar 09. He had surgery in Mar 09 and his sister who lives 20 mins away only visited him once when he was in hospital. In May he had another seizure from fluid build up in the brain and ended up back in hospital. He had a fever the day he had that seizure. I called her at 4 to tell her I was worried about him. We spoke again at 5.30p.m. that day. My other sis-in-law visiting from the US was at her house and I was calling to see if someone could come sit with my kids so I could attend to hubby. He had the seizure at 7p.m. I call the ambulance and then I call her thinking she or her husband or her son (all of whom can drive) will get in the car and come pick up my daughter. 30 minutes later she calls to ask if the ambulance officers will be taking him to hospital and telling me I need to keep her updated. I can't believe she is still sitting at home but politely ask that she send someone to pick up my daughter so i can go to the hospital with hubby. I spend the night at emergency with hubby. He was transferred to the private hospital the next afternoon. She comes to vist at 6pm the next day. She then proceeds to give me a lecture about how disappointed she was with the way I handled things the day before and how because of my ineptness he could have died. I bit back tears and said nothing at the time wanting only to go to bed not having slept for 2 days. The next day however I sat down with all of his siblings and their spouses and gave them a piece (or maybe more :)) of my mind. I told them I was appalled at their lack of support. Coming from a big family (who are all overseas) I have never seen such lack of compassion. I also told her that I was done with providing them with updates, if they wanted to know how he is they can come see him. Her excuse for why they had not come earlier was because she didn't know how serious it was and she had to organise a sitter for her kids (the youngest of whom is 13!). So you see we all have our moments and sometimes a vent is required to release all that is pent up.I now vent at the gym....much healthier 🙂
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Ahh Versaillon, If you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings vent to us!! The stress always makes you say things you may not mean or in a way that makes it seem worse. As a survivor who lives with the fact that no-one except me (and maybe my dad) think that there is anything to worry about anymore, I think it is great that you are so absorbed in Rob's condition.But remember to try to maintain some perspective and give yourself some space. And yes, all of us here are thinking of you AND Rob as you are in this together. Venting is good for the soul!! Samex
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Hi Thaker Oh my gaw!! So it's not just the people I know who are totally blind to what is going on around them, then! Sometimes, I just wanna scream - can people not see how fucking selfish they're being? Obviously not, otherwise they wouldn't do it. It just blows my mind but I kinda had an epiphany of sorts. As with most other people who haven't visited 'Cancer Land', they have no idea what it's like to live it. Why would they use their brains when they have no idea what having cancer entails? Still doesn't make it right though. When I'm in a real shitty mood, it just makes me wonder that people are just self centred, self absorbed assholes who don't give a damn about anything but themselves. Makes me wanna stab someone in the eye with a Maccas spoon. Ugh.
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Hey Samex I love a good vent. I've blogged on Myspace for years now - a lot of stuff about my accident can be found there. But I didn't think blogging about Rob's cancer on there would be a good idea - not everyone is gonna understand or even try to because as I said before, not everyone has been living in 'Cancer Land' like we have. Took myself off to have my nails done today and Sunday will be my day, I don't care if people fall off the face of the planet, I am spending Sunday doing relaxing stuff. Thanks for the support. It really does mean a lot. Jo xxx
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Hi Versaillon, I know that you are very house proud but promise that you won't spend your day off doing housework!!! Glad you got your nails done! S
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Hi Versaillon, Hope you had a wonderful day getting to do whatever it was that you wanted to do. all the best for the week ahead. Jill.
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Hey Jill! I actually did it. I had a day where I did what I wanted and I didn't clean the house! OMG it was awesome! We went shopping, I had a nanna nap, I read a book and we took the dogs down the beach for a swim. It was marvellous! And today I have the day to myself. Unfortunately, will need to do a bit of tidying and washing. But then I'm taking myself off for a facial! Bliss! I better enjoy it. Rob is having his portocath fixed today and then having chemo tomorrow so it'll be back to the grind. But that's ok - I got a break! Jo xxx
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