Today is my RDO from work, I have been able to go and get my hair done and do the bits and pieces that I needed to. This has also included taking some old 8mm film to be put on to DVD. There were 4 films in total with them all have some images of my Dad on them. Dad had asked me a while ago to do this for him so that he could send them to his sister; there are also images of my grandfather who recently passed (Feb 2010) after also battling with the same cancer as my Dad. However due to some tensions in the family and for want of a better word, differences and me being a little selfish I had held off doing this for him. Given the news we received last week I have decided that that we need to be prepared for what is coming; a presentation of his life to many that have known him for a long long time and those that have only known my Dad since he moved into their local community 4 years ago. I know that there are some amazing images that have been captured on these films and that I will be able to use to show them all the man that I will remember him as; him water skiing, swimming, drinking and laughing with mates and being the best Dad that I could have ever wished for. I suppose that you are never fully prepared for this part of the journey as in many cases it is a sudden affair and you need to pull it all together amongst the fog of grief and loss. I still have that part going on but I can also watch these images and then go and give my Dad a hug, just not sure for how much longer. I have the time now to make sure that it is a reflection of the good the bad and the ugly (this could just be the image of my Dad in budgie smugglers!!) There are days when I can talk about this as if I am talking about someone else and then there are the days when someone just has to look at me the wrong way and im a mess. Today is one of the good days. I am in control and I can do this. Yesterday I also made a concious effort to write all the details that I can remember over the past 512 days as it is all a blurr. It has been a very amazing experience; I can feel the pain of each word as I type it and feel like I am in a theatre watching some new movie that has just been released. Details I can recall have been floored as I am not that much into remembering such details. When I dropped of the films the guy asked if I was in a hurry for them, as the earliest he could do was next week. Its all good i said but inside I was wanting to scream at him that these are for my Dad and he is dying 😞 but instead thanked him and said that would be fine...even though time is ticking quickly.
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Each new day begins and somehow you are able to continue, how? you may not recall how, but what remains strongest in the memory, is how much you love them, and the times you share together. Do whatever comes natural, spend time with your dad, hug him, tell him you love him, laugh with him, cry with him…… no rules, just feelings. Take care. Reindeer xx
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Everyday is precious and I will cherish every moment I have left with my Dad and all those that I was lucky to share in the past. Thanks Reindeer, I have also found it very useful to go back and write in chronological order all of my memories from pre-diagnosis to now and commit to paper the feelings and thoughts I can remember from the times. I have found that this is my way to refelect on the blurr that my life has seemed. Im living the here and now as well as looking forward with my chin up proud. xox
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