I had my first 3 month check up yesterday and I really don't know what I was expecting from it, but I really thought I would get some sort of scan or something to appease my mind. I had a pelvic examination and the doc says all looks good, of course it does, that's what the gyn/onco said even after a colposcopy. Wasn't till they cut into me that they could see anything. So this gives me no relief. How do I know that I don't have cancer anymore when I didn't even know I had it in the beginning? I'm told I have to wait another 3 months to have my PET scan. THIS will be the one which tells all. So, another 3 months of monitoring every twinge, ache, pain, feeling, toilet visit etc. All the while carrying on at work and everone thinks you are doing 'just fine' cos 'you look fantastic!' I'm not fine! I don't feel fantastic! I'm sh*tscared I still have cancer!!! And by the way I think I just sh*t my pants cos I have no bowell control these days!!!! In a perfect world, that would be what I would yell, not say (cos I just feel like yelling all the time!) back at these people. Not at any point have I moaned 'why me' I just put my head down and got on with the job with treatment and recovery. I've come out the other side and nothing around me has changed, but I have changed within it. I've really tried to not whinge too much, but since my appointment yesterday, so many feelings seem to have emerged from my surface which I'm thinking has been bubbling away for some time. All I want to do is whinge and cry cos I'm starting to feel that this isn't fair. I don't want this life - continually broken into 3 month blocks waiting for results to tell me I can go off again and worry for another 3 months. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be a cancer patient, I just want me back and working the way I used to. I don't want to crap my pants anymore, I don't want to go through menopause, I don't want to have to stick a plastic tube up my vag for fear of it closing over and I want to have ovaries and a uterus that works so I can have a baby. I don't want to be feeling sorry for myself, but today, I just do. Give me this one day, and I will carry on again tomorrow. x
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Super Contributor
Hiya Phiross We all get "thingy" around our checkups. I can totally understand how you are feeling, we somehow expect a little more. On my last checkup I got the old, wow you are looking great from everyone and then they scoped me and that was it. I am meant to have a pet scan early next year but no mention was made of it. I inquired with one of the nurses and she then told me they pick up more via scoping than they do scanning. Ho hum! Not sure that eases my mind either. To have a pet scan and have it come back as clear as it can puts my mind at ease. I can relate to not wanting to be yourself at the moment. If only we could turn back time. I was quite happy with the way I was before all of this. Now I have to learn and appreciate the "new me", which is hard when I dont particularly want to be the "new me". however, the new me I am! Some days I am like you and other days I can be quite ok with everything and positive. Take care Julie xo
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Deceased
G'day Phiross Believe me when I say you do get used to it. I should know after twelve years of three monthly checkup. I have likened it to living in limbo, that mythical place you went to after death while someone decided if you were to go to heaven or hell. Also you cannot go back to where things were beforehand - you have to discover a new reality and a many new ways. However, it does have its compensations. This site for example and the amazing people who inhabit it. Yes there are days when I get sick and tired of the side effects of treatment to the pelvic region. Early on I decided that I would not let them limit what I wanted to do and that I would find ways of managing them. For the most part I have been able to do that and I lead a very busy, high quality life. Hope that you find ways to achieve this. Regards Sailor I think the sea has thrown itself upon me and been answered, at least in part, and I believe I am a little changed - not essentially, but changed and transubstantiated as anyone is who has asked a question and been answered. Hart Crane
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Not applicable
Sailor and Julie, thank you. I just had one of those days where I went into a total spin. I know I have to learn how to live with the new me, and it is just taking a little adjustment I s'pose. Most of the time I've had a naturaly positive and realistic attitude, but right now, I don't have the energy nor inclination to maintain it. I appreciate the words from both of you and I have also decided to set myself shorter term goals of nice things to think about so I am thinking more about them as they are closer. I hope you both have lovely Christmases surrounded by those you love. x
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Super Contributor
Phiross We all do the fall in a hole thing from time to time. Sometimes the hole is deeper than others and at other times it is shallow and easier to get out of. 🙂 Really great to hear you are putting some strategies in place to help you deal with what you are going through. I wish you all the very best for Christmas and hope that you have a lovely day. Julie
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Contributor
Hi Phiross, Sailor and Julie, I havent been on the forum for a while. I popped on after having a particualarly bad day at work, after having to go back after one week post op after the third attempt at removing my facial tumour (I own the business) and am coming up to my two year check up for the brain tumour. Given the facial tumour returning, I was working myself into a frenzy about the brain tumour and getting all down on the world and had a serious case of 'the why me's?' Once again, Julie and Sailor have sage advice. Things do get on top of you from time to time. I struggle to stay positive even 50% of the time. So I aim to take day at a time, week at a time and month at a time. Hopefully, eventually, I won't live check up to check up and will actually 'live' in between checkups. Hope everyone has a little bit of joy this christmas, Nicole
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Contributor
Hi Phiross, Sailor and Julie, I havent been on the forum for a while. I popped on after having a particualarly bad day at work, after having to go back after one week post op after the third attempt at removing my facial tumour (I own the business) and am coming up to my two year check up for the brain tumour. Given the facial tumour returning, I was working myself into a frenzy about the brain tumour and getting all down on the world and had a serious case of 'the why me's?' Once again, Julie and Sailor have sage advice. Things do get on top of you from time to time. I struggle to stay positive even 50% of the time. So I aim to take day at a time, week at a time and month at a time. Hopefully, eventually, I won't live check up to check up and will actually 'live' in between checkups. Hope everyone has a little bit of joy this christmas, Nicole
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Super Contributor
Hi Nicole So great to hear from you, have been thinking of you. :) Really sorry to hear of all that you are currently going through though. I hope that Christmas at least allows us all to have some free time from thinking of cancer. 🙂 Baby steps Nicole and just keep aiming for something other than what you currently have. Julie
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