Its amazing how many times I have Heard this sentence from doctors and nurses and just people who have no idea how it feels to go through a life threatening desease. So yesterday I had to go to the eye clinic as my eyes are playing up due to the steroids I have been on for almost a year, which has caused me to put on 20 killos and my face has become huge in size of what it was which they call it moon face due to steroids. I have been living in someone else's body for the past year, each time I look in the mirror(which is not often) I dont have any idea who the person is looking back at me,is something out of a horror movie 🙂 I can just go on and on, bloody steroids, hate them. Any way as I was seeing the specialist for the eye he had read in the notes that I am on steroids and he asked me some questions and asked to see a picture of me before the steroids, this has happened many times with other doctors too who seem very interested in what steroids can do to you and how they can affect each person mentally and physically, as I showed him the picture he couldn't believe his eyes as I look very different, he asked me to email him the pictures and also took some photos of me with his camera, i got very emotional looking at the pictures and asked him if he thinks I will be back to how I looked after i stop the steroids as he told me he gives lectures on steroids and seemed to have alot of knowledge about them; His reply was that he was not sure whether I would have my face aback, but it was defenately BETTER THAN BEING DEAD. It's funny how when you have cancer no matter what happens to you and what you go through some people think that the fact that you are alive you should be thankful and not care, if you have no hair, and losing your hair for the third time in nearly 2 years, if you put on so much weight in a short time that your body is aching, if your left hand is now shaking all the time and you are terrified it will be for ever, if you are chronic fatigue trying to recover from all of the drugs and you don't even look like yourself any more, if you find it hard to breath because you have had radiation to the chest which has made your lungs weak and you are now at risk of lung and breast cancer too and thats on your mind every day, if every morning that you open your eyes you feel like a truck has ran over you, if you have stretch marks all over your body because of steroids and they wil not go away, I can go on and on..... They might seem like small things for a cancer patient who is not dead, but for any other women who can sometimes be depressed over a small thing such as a bad hair cut let along all the other things external(feeling so fatique and sick every day) or external( not having hair or putting in weight) any of these are huge to deal with and very difficult. It's sometimes so heart breaking and I feel so alone dealing with all this. Sometimes I just want to say, I'm just a girl, how much can I put up with and for how long... I am no super woman. But I always end up getting over it somehow, I take a deep breath, put a smile on my face, and fight another day towards survival 🙂 WHAT I DO HAVE is a heart overflowing with love for my partner who I call my angel, my family and friends who love and support me, and the passion to live life to the fullest and to be able to help others who like me have been treated unfairly by life. My dream is to make at least one heart happy every day, the more happy hearts in this world the more happier I can be 🙂 so I'm focussing on what I do have and look forward to a life where I can LIVE, LOVE, DANCE, SING AND PRAY every day....
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