I have researched grief so many times, generally to assist my friends, my colleagues and to assist me in my career. I knew what to expect when I was to go through it myself one day. I even spoke to my family and friends about the fear I held of experiencing it, whenever that may be. I am generally quite an emotional person. I cry when I am happy, I discuss why I am sad and I make I make it quite clear when I am angry. This grief process though...it's a whole new ball game. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that bounces back and forth and can hit at any given moment of any given day. I used to like the feeling of adrenalin that a roller coaster would give me, but I don't like this rollercoaster. So here I am, a 32 year old female, in a same sex relationship with 3 foster children and my partner's father living with us too. I work fulltime as a cop and deal with everyone else's issues. Now I'm scared as I am forced to now deal with my own. My dad died in February...he was a cop too. Dad spent 37 years of his life serving the community,it's all I have ever known. Now he isn't here and there is a large piece of me missing. All the emotions are catching up with me and I am well aware that if I do not deal with them I may very well self destruct. It was some time in September 2014 that my mum contacted me via phone to tell me dad had bowel cancer. Why she thought it her place to tell me I will never know as dad and her were divorced. So there I am, doing 110km/h on the motorway and my mum drops a bombshell on me...now I am quite a positive happy person generally, but at that very moment I could feel my whole world start to crumble. So began the journey that brings me to today...a Sunday that has had me periodically in tears since I woke up, it has had me searching the internet for answers as to why and how this happened and now to here. A place that I can download my emotions in a way that may help someone else who is doing just as I was.
3 Comments
Super Contributor
Hi Aj, I'm glad you found this forum. It's a great place to vent/share/encourage/question and just generally try to cope with a horrible situation. Don't be suprised if your emotions are all over the place for the next while- when it comes to grief there are no rules. Be gentle with yourself and remember we're all here for you. sending supportive hugs, Emily
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Contributor
Dear AJ18202 Grief is common to us all and yet it is often a subject people prefer not to talk about until it happens to them. It is so important to find places and people, inc here, where your feelings are not ignored or glossed over or told " it's been a few months so its time to get over it and move on" . Statements like that are made by people who are uncomfortable with grief and so please ignore their judgemental views. Grief is individual and you have obviously lost someone very dear to you. So as Emily says, be gentle and patient with yourself and know your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Maybe you might need to take some time off as I think it must be hard in your job when you see so much trauma and sadness. Either way, don't be afraid to see a counsellor if things become overwhelming. Warmest regards GHT
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Occasional Contributor
Hi AJ, my heart broke as I read your story. That hole that is left by losing a loved one is so very hard enough without the suffering caused by cancer in the process of them going. I lost my Dad to stomach cancer which went everywhere in the end and in three months he was gone. Its painful, heart searing and something once seen hard unsee in our mind. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. Talking as you have on this site is meaningful, not only for you but for those of us who also have travelled a similar path. I really hope life becomes gentler for you and my heart is with you.
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