Some people have asked for the full story, and I'll do it as soon as I feel up to it. This isn't it. Should be watching cricket, but they let me down. We won, really quickly. Vale, West Indies.
18 days since Ray died, and I have only just cried. Buckets. No, really, it's true. I haven't been able to shed more than a couple of tears at a time. People are trying to be helpful but they say "Don't cry", so I don't, but I need to ....
After Ray died I had one day - then my brother, the pocket rocket, came - went away for 2 days, which I had to use to make Ray's [used to be ours] bedroom okay - then came back for 6 days. Terrific, really - got Ray's car going & pristine, threw all the junk out of Ray's shed [I have to deal with that now], chainsawed the dead branches from my peach tree, mowed, gurneyed the house, fixed the taps - did all the maintenance that Ray hadn't done for the last year.
So I cleaned, chopped 3 bins of green waste [thanks to the neighbours for the bins], went to work etc. Today I washed the dishes - no point in doing it for a few things - and I had to put back the steamer, which my brother had got down. On the top shelf in the pantry. I had to climb up to the the top step of the stepladder to put it back. When I was up there it hit me - I've never been up here before. Why? I'm scared of heights. I get dizzy on the edge of the pavement. Ray would never let me climb up here. Revelation. So I stood on the ladder, hanging onto the shelves, and wept. For ages. Which was good, I think. Then I managed to get down. At least I got some weeping done, but I won't be going anywhere from now on without the mobile in my pocket. [Really thought I'd done with that when Ray left].
It was only a 2 step ladder, just a little thing. We have 14 foot ceilings in our house, though, and now that I look around I can see so much that I could never reach. All of the light globes, smoke alarms, curtains. All Ray's jobs.
I saw it happen, but I still can't believe he isn't coming back. Love is.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.