Every night for a week I've been having massive 'death' nightmares.
Most nights I dream that mum is dying again.
Some nights I dream that dad is dying again.
Last night I dreamt I was dying, then my brother in law, and then mum (all from cancer). They were three separate dreams all on the same night.
I find myself going back to the 'why' questions after each nightmare - more "Why is this happening"; not so much "Why did this happen to my mother"; not anymore.
After last night's nightmare-fest (about 4am this morning) I was right into the 'whys', and then I suddenly realised how much guilt I have been feeling - I had no idea until then! SOOOO much GUILT!!!
The guilt is basically:
"Mum, I am so sorry that I didn't push you to keep going back to the doctor when you said you were feeling really tired and we had no idea it was the early stages of cancer. I live in daily mental anguish that I was unable to protect you from the horrific pain and suffering that you went through as part of your cancer illness and treatments. I keep thinking that I could have and I should have done more to help you with the pain especially. Remembering you writhing and calling out in such agony is killing me inside; and I find it so incredibly difficult to accept that I could not have done more to help you. I know that I must do something to stop this from destroying my own life, and the lives of our living family. Therefore, I hereby promise that I will try something new to restart the healing process."
I'll go back to my doctor on Saturday. I can't believe this is happening again. I guess there's a lot of unresolved stuff that I still need to work on.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.