Every night for a week I've been having massive 'death' nightmares.
Most nights I dream that mum is dying again.
Some nights I dream that dad is dying again.
Last night I dreamt I was dying, then my brother in law, and then mum (all from cancer). They were three separate dreams all on the same night.
I find myself going back to the 'why' questions after each nightmare - more "Why is this happening"; not so much "Why did this happen to my mother"; not anymore.
After last night's nightmare-fest (about 4am this morning) I was right into the 'whys', and then I suddenly realised how much guilt I have been feeling - I had no idea until then! SOOOO much GUILT!!!
The guilt is basically:
"Mum, I am so sorry that I didn't push you to keep going back to the doctor when you said you were feeling really tired and we had no idea it was the early stages of cancer. I live in daily mental anguish that I was unable to protect you from the horrific pain and suffering that you went through as part of your cancer illness and treatments. I keep thinking that I could have and I should have done more to help you with the pain especially. Remembering you writhing and calling out in such agony is killing me inside; and I find it so incredibly difficult to accept that I could not have done more to help you. I know that I must do something to stop this from destroying my own life, and the lives of our living family. Therefore, I hereby promise that I will try something new to restart the healing process."
I'll go back to my doctor on Saturday. I can't believe this is happening again. I guess there's a lot of unresolved stuff that I still need to work on.
