Over the hump!...in my 4th week of treatment of 6 wk radiotherapy (5 days/wk and chemo on Mondays) feeling in a good place today. Of course getting to this point, not so much. Feeling grateful today that my side-effects have been somewhat minimal, third/fourth day after chemo up until the weekend comes has been the biggest hurdle. Cysplatin = nausea and popping wafers/Pramin seems to be easing a large part of that feeling. When feeling crappy I must also remind myself that obviously my journey so far as been a relatively easy one comparatively. Last week would have to have been my worst, symptoms and emotionally. I confess I was feeling a lot of anger towards my poor husband who spends majority of his day surrounding himself with practical things and avoiding any conversation regarding emotions..built up to a complete blow-up - it all came out - why aren't you talking enough, you must not be feeling, who the heck are you? do you even care I have cancer? why aren't you planning for the future.... I temporarily lost my mindset and forgot obviously Christmas was coming up and he was doing the plans for the first time in our married lives, looking after our boys and EVERYTHING else. Yep, poor guy... So then the ugly guilt followed - who needs that? and my thoughts turned to myself and the inevitable why me? Boy it was a rollercoaster 2 days, which eventually ended with a Panic Attack. That's a first! I was so confused about what was happening, the anxiety was stifling. So I had to go backwards, what set this off? so I can't get to that place again... Believe it or not, it all started with a soy strawberry shake, a simple sweet beautiful shake, hadn't had one in months, it was like the first shake I had ever tasted, I was on a sugar high. So the questions started, why does this drink taste like the best drink in the world? And why do I feel like a 7 year old sitting on the brick wall at Oriental Bay in Wellington swinging my feet and watching the waves come in. The moment was so great that I had to go and analyze it... other memories flooded in, childhood, disappointments, regrets a complete overload...and then I turned to my boys and the guilt that the reason I'm in this position. Clarity - I didn't do regular pap smears, this would be a different journey and should've taken the time to look after me. Following that a short visit with my doctor - beautiful woman, great oncologist and I blurted all this out to her - she's an oncologist not a therapist! But she listened and she said one simple sentence - We can't do anything about changing the past, let's just focus on the future. Just like that! Stop beating yourself up for your mistakes, it's only weighing you down, look forward! (and it's up to me to remind myself to go easy on my husband) MRI tomorrow to see how far treatment has come - looking forward to that!
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