Hi My name is Deb, My reason for Blogging is that my darling Fiancée has been diagnosed with Perotid Gland Cancer on the 10th June 2011 since that day we have been to hell and back, and the ride hasn't stopped yet.. Tomorrow we start another chapter in his recovery. We are on our way to the hospital for the planning session for the radiation therapy. At times we have struggled to cope with this Cancer, its something we were not expecting when we went to the doctors because Terry had a lump next to his ear, it was neither painful not particularity big but for some reason I just had a feeling that something wasn't right, we fought and fought because he told me I was being silly about wanting him to go and get it checked out.. seems I was right because less than 2 weeks after his first appointment we were given the crushing news that changed our lives forever. " Ïm so sorry to tell you ... you have CANCER" I guess the thing that we have both found hard to deal with is the fact that he wasn't actually sick.. I mean he never felt sick and when we got the diagnosis we couldn't really believe it because we both thought people with cancer are sick and in pain. we are very lucky that we have an amazing relationship and we share our feelings, sometimes it gets a big overwhelming and we lash out at each other, but we talk it through and we both have realised that sometimes you have to just say nothing when the other is venting.. its important to us to let it out.. we have to tell each other how we feel or else we bottle it up and its scary feeling scared. sometimes when the days are tough and the enormity of the situation gets on top of us, I tell terry that we argue a bit and (from my point of view), I know how to fight, I can win at fighting... I know how to do it.. I've been doing it all my life,... what I don't know how to do is deal with the frightening thoughts that run through my mind. I don't know how to be so scared.. its scary.. the things I think of when I'm down and having a sad day are things like, what if I lose him, what if he is in pain and I don't know, what if I cant do anything about it, what if , what if , what if, a myriad things run through my mind and I'm terrified, terrified at the thought that I could have lost my beautiful man had I not been so obsessive about contacting the hospital. At times I don't know how to feel, so I fight.. its easier.. thankfully he is the most beautiful, kind, sensitive and loving man I have ever met and he knows that I don't mean what I say when I vent and I know that he doesn't mean what he says, its redirecting the pain.. because he is there .. and because I am there.. its easier to lash at each other.. so yes we are very lucky we have each other to support our journey through this dark and unfamiliar phase. We are not yet at the stage where we can see light at the end of the tunnel, but we know that there is an end somewhere, we just have to keep walking towards the right end and it will be over one day. Till that day we love each other like there is no tomorrow, we smile often and we thank the universe for bringing us together to travel this long and winding road. I hope every one going through this will take comfort from the fact that the journey will be what it will be and all we can do is strap ourselves in and weather the ride with our smiles firmly in place,, it sure beats the alternative. We both wish every one a happy and healthy future and if you ever need an ear to listen I am more than happy to listen. our love and best wishes to you all from Deb and Terry
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