Reposting my story From the 17/2 Really not sure how to feel. Dad was supposedly cleared of cancer couple of weeks ago and now its back and taken over his whole body I hate this he never drank or smoked or anything. He doesn't want to see me hes been in hospital for a few weeks now Mum says his body has swallen up and hes lost control of his bodily functions. He doesnt want me to see him like that and he is still in shock with his current diagnosis which basically is you can try chemo again but your not going to make it. Mum has pretty much been convinced since the begining that she did this to him because they had a rough marriage and they argued a lot its been really tough because she calls everyday saying how guilty she feels that this is all because of her and that he is so strong trying to carry on and she is so evil. Ive tried over and over to explain to her that logically its impossible and that these things happen and that she needs help ive called people and given her numbers but nothing helps. My brother is coming back from overseas he has a girlfriend who basically tries to do anything to keep him away from the family its so frustrating because he does everything she says and my dad is dying we need my brother around. The only reason he went on the stupid trip WHILE HE WAS SICK is because of her. We are not close we lived two different lives and he did everything by the book and I didn’t. He wont really talk about anything with me. I feel like i'm losing them all in different ways its really hard and I miss my dad I havnt been able to see him since December because hes been in and out of hospital and only wants to see my mum because she has seen him in all his states. I'm scared dad is going to die without me having a chance to say goodbye everyone is in denial. I feel so numb I want to cry everything makes me sad but then I cant. I'm trying to stay strong for everyone. It's really hard I have my daughters birthday this week and my engagement party next week but at the moment I cant be bothered with anything it all seems to be falling apart. I feel really alone I'm still going to counseling but I feel alone. My man is really good to me and listens but I still feel alone. My parents have such hard lives horrible lives where they were treated terribly and I feel so bad for them that they have experienced almost no joy and no self confidence and never fulfilled their dreams. My dads dream was to travel and they were going to finally after his first diagnosis then it went from good to horribly bad. I just want to see him and give him a hug I wont say anything about it because he is still in shock and still taking it in I will just let him know that I'm here and I love him. I feel like a bad mum pretending to be happy all the time but my daughter she really does make me happy I'm just struggling to be upbeat and myself. I really dont know what to do ... 19/2 Feeling so sad I miss my parents like crazy I want to be there I want to tell them how much I love them. I miss my dad. His kidneys are failing and he had a blood transfusion today. He is sad and angry and both my parents are yelling at the dotors at one stage his main doctor walked out and never came back. So much for duty of care??? Apparently the staff have been really nasty and I feel so bad for my parents the doctors see this everyday they should be more understanding but I know its just their job and they become like robots and are immune to emotion. My engagement party is coming up next week Ive gained a lot of weight from moping around. I feel so distant from everything and numb one minute and the next I just want to fall apart and cry. Im hurting so bad inside and I feel selfish for that but I know I could at least make my dad smile if he would just let me see him. I bought him lots of little gifts to keep in his room I might just give them to a nurse he likes little cute things. I cant imagine him not being here anymore it scares the hell out of me. My almost three year old (turns 3 tomorrow yay) wont understand that hes not here anymore. She has healed the rift between me and my dad and bought us so much closer. .............................................................. 21st THIS WEEK HAS BEEN AWFUL!! My dads best friend who is like a second dad has been staying in the room next to him and is about to pass away. Mum asked if she should tell him that he will pass in the next day or two I said no because hes just been really sick barely able to make it through himself I just thought at least give him a day of peace you know? Hes been bleeding from everywhere and vomiting and just feeling darn awful. Today he was meant to see his doctor for results so far the chemo hasnt been working and most of it isnt agreeing with him. Mum said I could visit dad but I have a really low immune system unfortunately Im really sick today and Im so angry at myself!!!! Im scared too because he doesnt want me to see him but I dont want to miss out and I can tell mum is worried I will miss out especially since today was the ONLY day mum ever said I could come down. We were really close before he got sick and I want to be his strongest support in our family I know im the one that can hold it together the most and be there. When i was young mum had a break down I was only five but ive been trying to support her since and she knows im always here to support her and be honest with her. This has just been so draining for all of us especially since she is totally convinced she caused this to happen. I cant imagine the guilt that she is living with everyday while just being around my dad non stop its really sad its no life for either of them. I feel so sad that both my parents will leave this world unfulfilled and sad. So far ive just been supporting mum as much as I can and texting dad all the stuff im doing daily with no reply. When he was first diagnosed i was a little crazy and emailed him about how much i love him and hurt id be if he died and that hed miss out on me having more kids or walking me down the isle I totally regret that now I feel guilty because its not me to be like that I just didnt know how much time he had or what was going on. I wouldnt ever do it again I understand the impact I had now and how scared he was already it was a big mistake. Since then ive made it my job to never mention it and only make him smile or laugh or think about the good times its hard though. I wish i could talk to my brother 😞 hes taken an early flight home from his trip with his girlfriend. Engagement party is this week not looking forward to it anymore Im so prepared and broke! Bubz birthday was nice it was just the three of us at home Anyway ive written heaps time to take my fingers off the keybaord
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