It was not the first time and it will not be the last I know. This morning walking the dog before I went to work I suddenly found tears running down my checks. I was thinking about my wife and what is happening to her and suddenly I was crying. This is not like me. I don’t cry. I quickly stopped of course and by the time I got back home I was my ‘normal’ self: strong, controlled, calm, in control. But deep down I am not in control; in reality I am simply suppressing everything and bottling up my emotions. I am not sure how much longer I can live this lie. I have to stay strong for my wife and the children but increasingly I do not feel strong. I am bruised, battered and in an almost constant state of mental anguish. This is hard.
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Contributor
Dear John, what you are experiencing is very normal, my darling father fought his battle with throat cancer with such strength & he never complained, we were told so many conflicting stories from the medical team, one day I would be over the moon with happiness the next day I would be a complete mess, I would never let dad see me upset & I was the Rock for my whole family. My dad was in hospital for 5 months due to so many complications with his surgery.When dad passed away we were all there & I completley fell apart. I had to take extended time off work because I was very close to a breakdown.I guess what I am saying is, being a carer is a very hard role, we need to gather strength when we feel we have none left. This site is great, you can blog about anything, it's great to get it off your chest. Take Care Alison
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New Contributor
Dear John,My heart goes out to you but I am so glad that you were able to have a few moments walking the dog and to have a few tears.What you and your family are going through would bring the toughest of the tough to tears.It is perfectly normal to be scared and anxious and I think you are doing a great job just by being able to compose yourself in time to get home.Please John if you need to cry or laugh or rant know there are people here who will listen,understand and not judge.God Bless X
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Contributor
I cry ever day for my wife John. up until a couple of years ago I hadnt cried for about 55 yrs or more. It was not a male thing to do, men do not cry, why should we, we are tough, strong, the protector and head of the family, and yet now my tears constantly fall. It is alright to cry John, I doubt that there is a single person in the position you are in, as a suffer or carer that has not cried. The control we had over our lives is not there anymore, the future, we know what it will bring, and it terrifies us. I have no answers, and I know it is no help to you, but every one that visits this website know what you are going through and wish they could change your situation as well as their own, and be able to get back to how things were then, in sunshine, not as things are now. In the final days of my wifes illness, I cried in front of our 30yr old boys, they had never seen their dad cry, the tears just fell, the feeling of helplessness and not being able to put it right are overwhelming. Let the tears fall John. It is being human. wombat4
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Dear John, I am new to this site but am a carer for my husband who has a brain tumour. We have a beautiful 11 year old daughter. As a carer we feel that we need to be tough, take on all responsibilities and try to create a 'normal' life for our family no matter what is going on. You do wonder where to get strength from and I must admit some days I would just love to run away from it all. You are not alone in how you are feeling and to be able to take your dog for a walk and have some 'me' time is very important. A friend told me he was envious of those people that could cry as he said it would be such a release if he could. Do you have a counsellor or someone that you can go and chat to. I have found that this can be very helpful. Take care Maya
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Occasional Contributor
Dear John, give yourself permission to be human and feel and express your emotions as they arise,as long as you are in a safe place to do so.Being a carer to our loved ones is such a tough job because we are emotionally involved. I really hope you can talk to your own doctor or the palliative care team for some support for yourself. Your dog sounds like a beautiful animal who loves taking you for a walk...sometimes John it is our weakness which is our strength because to be strong all the time is putting a heap load of pressure on ourselves and when we do that our expectations come crashing down. Be gentle on yourself. Dotty.
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