I woke at midnight last night, starving hungry, busting to use the bathroom and with bad back pain. Half an hour later, bladder empty, stomach fed and pain easing I headed back to bed... only to wake at 5am crying. I'd just had a bad dream where an unsupportive member of my family had baited me into slapping him in the face. I was crying because that type of violence and anger is not something I am used to displaying. I realised while wiping away the tears that it was going to be one of those days. Up with just the birds, in tears and to make it worse, not only was the back pain here again but now I had a rash! I sometimes break out in a rash on my arms and shoulders and sometimes neck, after prolonged periods of stress, so it's nothing too unusual for me but definately an outward sign that regardless of how strong people always like to tell me I am... I am just a person like anyone else, coping as best as I can. I spent the day in bed, alternating between checking numerous support websites for new posts or messages, trawling facebook for interesting things happening in the world of my friends family and colleagues, reading and sleeping. I totally avoided participating in the "real world" today. I needed a day off. So I feel irritated, useless, tired, lazy and not very positive today. Not such a great day. What has put me over the edge is the lovely lady from my team at the hospital calling to advise that my appointment has been brought forward two hours (not so bad - not so much waiting) because the urologist wants to give me a cystoscopy (insert a tube into my bladder for a look around - EEEEK), but I'll be knocked out (thank gosh) but I need to fast from 7am, NIL BY MOUTH (darn). This has been the patern today. Any and all information has been assessed immediately for how I feel about it and I a plethera of emotions coursing through me in any 2minute period ranging from mortified through to totally relieved. Nothing these days is able to be processed as good or bad. There are always multiple layers of anything that I am facing and I feel differently about each part. It's so tiring. All these emotions. I wish to go back to my life before cancer where I could just have a day. Where not everyday was a rollercoaster of emotion like it is now... But hey, dont we all.
5 Comments
Contributor
we all have those days.. dont feel alone.. i had one of those today to.. woke up teary and now in bed teary to... its all natural and part of this horrid journey! you poor thing being in so much pain 😞 do u have someone looking after you? im on the other end of the stick, my partner is the one with cancer and i wish i could take his pain away! all the best xoxo
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New Contributor
Hey Maddie, I have a wonderful mum and dad that look after me really well. I'm living with them at the moment as we were in the middle of a move to Newcastle for my husband for work and he stuck up there all alone. He does have wonderful friends up there and a large support network and is trying his hardest to get us a place to live so we can start our married lives together once this round of treatment is done! So things aren't the best just now. But we'll get through it. We're a positive lot. It's always good knowing that what I'm going through emotionally is just a normal part of this journey and I can't imagine what it's like being on the other side of this horrible disease. It must be so tough to be the partner of someone with cancer. It sounds like your partner is one lucky guy! All the best to you also. And your man of course!
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Super Contributor
Miss Moo ,I used to wish I could go back to how it was before cancer but now try my best to live with what it has done. I don't think about the "before" as much as I used to ,but still wish we could all go back. Being here will help you greatly.
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Occasional Contributor
Hi Miss Moo, The roller coaster ride of emotions, can be over whelming, there is so much information to absorb, so many decisions, so much to accept, so much to grieve for, but try really hard to go with the flow, let others support and help you through this time and focus on the new life, taking one day at a time, any "good" days should be celebrated, the "awful" days, just need to be survived - that in itself is a "win" - go well. Wishing you strength to get through this awful time. There will be positive days! Go Well, Sam
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New Contributor
Thanks Sam, What you have said here is so true. I'm learning to be greatful for the times that I feel good within myself and learning to cope with riding out the times that I feel awful. I have definately planned some things to look forward to that are coming up and will cherish more the time I have to spend with my family and friends Thank you for your suppport. Miss Moo
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