Well, here it goes...I've never kept a blog before and i don't have twitter or a myspace page. But I feel like i'm going to go crazy if i don't find some sort of outlet for what i'm feeling.
I'm 25 years ago, and my Dad was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer over 6 months ago. It is stage IV and the i know that the prognosis is not good.
I am an only child, my parents are divorced and the rest of our family lives overseas. So i am extremely close to both of my parents, and my dad just means the world to me.
When we first got the diagnosis, it felt like my whole world was not just shaken, but turned upside down, inside out and flung right out of the strathosphere. Up until then i was still very much still the child in the relationship and the one being looked after. In many ways, i guess i still am. After a month of constantly crying, i decided that i couldn't cope with the stress anymore and chose not to think about it anymore and carry on life as usual. It was the only way i could function as a human being again without breaking down every half an hour.
But recently, that tactic has started to stop working. Reality always finds its way to the surface no matter how deep you try to bury it. I am still not quite ready to accept that he might pass away (it was hard to even write that), but at the same time i can't help but keep thinking how unbearable life would be without him here. I recently went to a funeral for a close friend who passed away in an accident (yes, this has been a pretty shitty year), and i just kept thinking about how i don't think i'd be able to handle it if i eventually have to see my dad in that casket. He's so full of life and there's still so much living he has to do.
Anyway...i'm sorry about the essay here...but i just really needed to talk. My friends have been so wonderful and supportive, but since no one knows exactly how this feels until you actually experience it, there's only so much they can do and say.
How do people deal with this?
