well i haven't been on the site for the past few months. Ive been taking a break from being online in my spare time... trying to find a new hobby, something to take my mind off life. since coming home from the USA in February my life just feels so different. like Ive left the real me behind and im just the shell left going thru the motions. i knew when i became a full time carer for my father that i would be putting my own life on hold, and im not here to complain about that because i love my dad and i wouldn't be anywhere else right now, i just feel lost ... and very very alone. i guess in many ways im worried. im not prepared for what i know is inevitable... and i dont know how to be ready for when it happens. Im kind of just living in the now, and putting off whats next... and thats just not me... im a planner... i know what im doing, when im doing it and how i want to do it. So living day to day is hard for me. My dad seems weaker by the day. for the past few months he has been developing pain in the groin area, the dr's say its most likely arthritis... but with just having done one x-ray im not buying that crap. he hobbles when he walks now and its just progressively getting worse. we go back to the hospital again in 2 weeks. i spoke to his Dr a few days ago... i stressed the point that he is on a high dosage of pain medication and still in pain and something about his changes in behavior just doesnt feel right. ive spent the last 8 months with my dad... every day of every month (except the 3 week break i had in jan/feb) if anyone was going to notice changes its gonna be me. and i feel like the things that are worrying me are just dismissed. If something worries my dad, he will wait till hes really sure before he tells me. he is just so stubborn. something im sure i inherited from him ha ha ha. anyways ive done enough babbling for today... peace out!
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