*Long - sorry this is a bit of a book, but I have to get it out. It's been running over in my mind since Mum's diagnosis*
My Mum was first diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago this June. She's been clear for 6 years, so we thought that she was 'safe' because she made it past the crucial 5 year mark.
My fiance and I finally decided to get engaged in November last year after 8 years together and are in the middle of planning our wedding. We flew to Palm Cove in beautiful tropical North Queensland to book our wedding. We came home and surprised everyone. I picked out a beautiful natural sapphire engagement ring and we have been very happy. Mum is my closest confidant and was one of the few who knew that we were going up there for that purpose. I tell her everything, even before I tell my fiance half of the time!! We are incredibly close. She was thrilled when we booked it and started planning our 'big family holiday'/wedding.
Mum and I hit the bridal stores straight away, we were so excited!! Within a month, I had picked out a beautiful big ball gown. Mum and I wept when I found it! It is perfect. Everything was going so well.
Then Mum came down sick over Christmas with a severe cough. She went to the doctor the week before and was given anti-biotics for a chest infection. They didn't work. On New Year's Day, she went back to the doctors, and wound up seeing a different doctor. That doctor ordered a chest scan, and sent Mum to the hospital immediately. Her left lung was filled with fluid - 700mls which quickly became 1.5L. The hospital obtained a sample of the fluid but would not drain it that day as gaining the sample was a painful enough procedure, so they booked her in to return on the Wednesday (2 days later).
On the Wednesday, she was admitted to hospital. She was there for 4 days. On the first day, they attempted to drain the lung, but couldn't as it was too much for Mum to handle. My sister, step-father and I all went up to the hospital to keep her company. She HATES hospitals (like everyone!). The next day, everyone else had to work, but I didn't want Mum to be alone, so I went up to the hospital to be with her during the procedure.
She sounded chirpy on the phone, but when I got there, she had been crying. I thought that she had had the procedure already and gave her a hug. Then she told me that the doctor had been in to see her about the results of the sample and that the cancer was back. I couldn't believe it. I just stared at her and went, "Oh". It was so unexpected. Then, without shedding a single tear, I hugged her and said, "We've done it before, we can do it again."
Two seconds later they whisked her away for a scan. I went with her but the whole time I was thinking, "Don't let this take my Mum. I can't do it without my Mum." For hours, I was in a state of shock. While we were downstairs, the doctor in the ward had called my step-dad and told him to come home. My step-dad works in Brisbane and we are on the Sunshine Coast, so we both knew that he wouldn't be with us for quite a while. It must have been the drive from hell for him, knowing something was wrong but no idea what. None of us could have suspected that it would be cancer again.
Later that day they attempted to drain the lung again, while I held Mum's hand. They dosed her up on pain killers and attempted a local anesthetic to numb the pleura (lining of the lung). It was so painful for Mum and I cried when she cried, which set me off. It hit me then like a train. That was when my step-dad arrived. I have never been so happy to see him! When the doctor told him his face was like stone. He barely reacted, he just held Mum's other hand. Eventually, they had to abandon the procedure, Mum was in so much pain. It was horrible to watch. That evening my sister arrived, John (my step-dad) had already told her and she was crying from the moment she walked in the door. Mum then had to tell our other sister in Brisbane, but hesitated, it was her (our sister's) birthday the next day, no one wanted to bring her down. She was ok. I still don't think that she has gathered how bad this is.
The next day, they gave Mum a heavier anesthetic and finally drained the lung.
In the weeks following, we found out that Mum has cancer in 3 places - in the pleura of her lung, her clavacal (collarbone) and her lumbar (spine). She will have cancer now for the rest of her life. They have told her that they should be able to control it for up to 5-10 years, but we know little beyond that.
She began chemotherapy (and lost her hair), but they have just taken her off it 6 weeks in because it is not working. This shocked all of us, we were all hoping for some positive news. Her lung (well space between the lung and the lining) started to fill up almost immediately after they had drained it the first time. She has a horrendous cough and she gets short of breath very easily. They have put her on Femora, and she is begging to get a few of the terrible side effects which are supposed to come with that drug. It is horrible when she coughs, I just want to scream, "Get out of my Mum!". She was also supposed to have radiotherapy but so far we haven't heard any plans to proceed with this. Personally I do not hold much faith in her oncologist.
Her oncologist is vague as all hell. We ask her a question, she'll answer with a generic, clueless response. She is uninformative and is not helping us in anyway. It seems that since chemotherapy did not work, she is unwilling to do anything else. It is hard. Mum is now searching for another oncologist, but it is difficult. She can't afford private treatment - despite the fact that we have all assured her that we will find a way if that is what it takes. The bone cancer is slow growing, and at this stage not posing as much of an issue, but the lung is a constant battle. Unfortunately, surgery is not an option. At the moment, we are having to try and accept that Mum will not be with us for as long as we all hoped. It is agony not knowing how long we have.
I have been trying to focus on the wedding. We have cancelled our plans up North and bought it home. Can you believe that the venue would not refund our whole deposit? They kept $1000 as a holding fee, despite the fact that we cancelled for a genuine reason. Since, we have booked a venue locally. My fiance's parents and my parents have seen it and love it, so things are back on track. We have bought the wedding to July, instead of September as originally planned. Mum's health is so unpredictable, I dare not leave it until the end of the year.I lost my Dad 10 years ago, the thought of my Mum not making my wedding too is unbearable. It is unbearable enough knowing that she may not get to meet her grandchildren - something both she and I have been looking forward to.
I'm not coping so well though at the moment. I don't know what to do. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and yet I cry every day. It is so hard to be planning this amazing happy event when you are so miserable. I barely leave the house, or want to. I barely want to get out of bed. I am supposed to be doing uni (I have fallen so far behind) but I just can not motivate myself to. My tutors know and have been excellent, but to pass, I still have to do the work, and I just can't. I do go to my personal training sessions 3 times a week and go to the gym on alternate days, but I do little more. I just can't. Unfortunately, I don't even have a job right now to keep me occupied. My fiance gets so frustrated, but what can I do? I feel like my life has just stopped.
