December 1st, 2022, I finally learnt after so many tests, MRI's and pet scans and biopsy, I had very aggressive Synovial Sarcoma in my inner left thigh. Two weeks later, I started 5 weeks of daily radiation. March 2023, a successful removal of the cancer along with nerves (and nerve damage) and muscle from my leg leaving me a huge dent in my leg, I was in remission straight away. To this very day, I remain in remission and I am hoping and praying it doesn't return and i have no other further cancers because it was a terrible time to deal with, then my partner after so many visits to ER and being sent home many times in terrible pain and prescribed Oxycodone after every visit, he was tired and fed up. He had another cancer - a form of blood cancer- and his hematologist was shocked at how much weight my once strong and fit man had lost and I demanded a pet scan because I had a feeling it wasn't good. A week later, we were told he had Pancreatic Cancer and it hadn't spread. This was in December also (2024) He went to Brisbane to speak with the surgeon there to talk about having the Whipple surgery and then Chemotherapy afterwards. The surgeon had high hopes. March 2025 (what a coincident!!) and my partner was to have his surgery. It would take approximately, 10 hours. I got a phone call an hour after surgery started and i knew it wasn't going to be a good phone call. The cancer had spread to his liver and they needed my permissions to insert a stent as he was becoming jaundiced. I asked the surgeon if he was terminal. She said yes, I am so very sorry. When I saw my partner in hospital a day after, I asked if he had heard an update. He hadn't. I took him home 6 days later and two weeks later he received a letter in the mail about his cancer. He read it and said, I don't understand this medical jargon. You do. You're the brains. What's it saying? I asked if he knew what Metastatic meant. He said No. I said it means you're terminal. My partner went quiet and then eventually said: oh okay. I had to leave the room to cry. A week later he saw his oncologist, and it was repeated. His life expectancy without chemo was around 6 months, With Chemo, it was 12 months. Then he asked: Am I dying? he was told yes. Chemo would keep him alive and not cure him. It was the first time I saw him cry out loud and fall into a heap. He told me: I should listen more. you were right and I didn't know. I broke for him. Then I got angry. Why my partner! He was my rock throughout my battle for cancer and held me all the way through to remission and beyond! What did we both do for us to be where we are now!! Chemo was started and he wasn't receiving the full dose. Out of 9 chemo sessions, he only made it to 4 as he was so unwell. Eventually in April, he was told no more chemo. It wasn't working to how they had hoped it would. We were told to enjoy life as we could. We had two BBQs. One for his 55th birthday and the last one was his Goodbye BBQ. Everyone came and shared stories and memories. 23rd May, my beloved went downhill and entered hospice. 3 days before he passed, he became unconscious, and I knew he was nearly ready to go. 5th of June at exactly 1.45am, he passed. I lost my soul mate, my love. The next few days were a up and down. I moved into a new home and tried to forget things and concentrate on me. Once I was unpacked, I cried. I cried for a few days. We had a celebration of life for my partner to scatter his ashes on his family's farm. I held back my tears. I was too afraid to cry. There were so many people at the gathering. When I got home, I went to bed sobbing into my pillow. To this day I am struggling to understand why my beautiful man was chosen to leave me. I am lost and alone and I feel defeated. But still, I hope I don't get cancer again of any sort really and when I do think like that I feel absolutely guilty for it!! After the losses of two baby girls (sids then longed qt) and a partner who went missing in 1997 never to be found, this loss of my partner has hit me the most. It hurts. I hate cancer so much! The loss and grief left behind and we are supposed to carry on. 😞 My partner told me when he was still able to communicate, for me to find someone special once I am ready to. I don't want to. His loss shook me to the core and I don't want to go through this again. 😞
