my name is Effie I’m 52 years of age.
im writing because I’m really struggling with accepting my father passing away 6 weeks ago from kidney cancer, and what I feel was neglect from the health care professionals at the hospital.
I was his full time carer at home. I tried very hard to make his situation easy, calm, pain free etc I tried very hard to make sure he did not go to a nursing home. Which I did accomplish.
he had a kidney removed in 2014 and they said they got it all , well it came back in the sacrum and the lungs and the bones.
returning took less than a year as this is when a catheta was needed etc but at this time the cancer returned in the sacrum but they did not tell us till the year later when it was 6 cm in size. at this stage nothing could be done just radiation for one month no removal because it wrapped itself around nurses etc. when I requested scans from previous year it showed 1 cm in size which at that time could have been removed but no one told us the doctors were negligent in telling us and down right lazy. No duty of care.
I was told dad had 6 to 18 months to live. I never told dad he had cancer. I told him he had a lot of arthritis as he was a body builder and wrestler so I told him he was in pain because of the arthritis he accepted that. His mobility deteriorated hi was loosing weight but still had a good appetite, he had but if dementia starting and we had 20 hospital admissions since his first diagnosis.due to urinary tract infection from the catheta.
anyway to cut a long story short my dad lived through this for nearly 7 years. The last two months admittedly he was deteriorating but still had good appetite and clear in head he looked good I felt he still had at least another 6 months in him. Well all
of that changed on the 15 oct. He aspirated out of nowhere, it went to his lungs.
he looked grey ingot ambulance here took him to hospital they told me he had aspirated pneumonia and a urinary tract infection.
I was with him everyday and up till Sunday he looked ok just tired.
Monday the fun started mind u he had been starved from Thursday admission to the time of death. He was only given thick fluid but when I was there I did bring him softened potatoes etc and he ate with no issue. He still looked very tired.
Monday night I get a call at 9.30 he might not make it you better get here now.
his temperature was low he could not breathe they had him on oxygen they wanted to give him the hi flow oxygen he took it off. He grabbed my arms put them to his stomache I comforted him. By 12 am his levels were fine and he fell asleep.
I decided to ring at 5am in Tuesday the nurse said he was in and off.
I arrive at 7 am to find dad in a paleo chair with high flow tubes up his nose. Looking like it was over.
he could still hear everything Ihe was just sleeping with no energy.
to see him like this was the most shocking thing in my life.
the doctor came up to me and said he is not responding to treatment we need to talk about making him comfortable. I asked who are u. She said I’m a geriatric doctor I said so he has a lung infection why are u looking after him. Get out.
they basically wanted to put him on the Pallative sedation pack and call it a day. They put the pack in at 10 am and I did not know he had It on whilst wondering why he was sleeping so much.
they basically had no duty of care. My dad had cancer of the sacrum I told them never put him in his bum and every time his knees where touching his nose. He was in pain. So I always had to fix it. They did not change his catheta bag they did not care for him the way they should.
my dad had 5 cancer spots on his lungs. I wanted to know with the cancer on his lungs would this have stopped him from recovering from the pneumonia no one could answer me.
anyway I stayed with dad all of Tuesday night. He passed away on Wednesday 21 October at 8 am. I was beside myself.
I guess I’m at a loss Cos this is all new to me. Knew he was dying but I was told 6 to 18 months and he lived nearly 7 years with this condition. I had tried everything.
I feel I failed him. I feel if I didn’t take him to the hospital I could have fixed this.
Im really angry with the health system and if I was ever sick the last place I woukd go is that hospital. I feel they killed him off because they stuffed up.
coping with knowing he was dying from the cancer was bad enough not to mention watching him deteriorating daily.
the frustration the fights the anger then the love and you could see he was fed up. I knew he was ready to go. But I don’t think I was or would ever have been. I tried to fix it but I failed.
im in such a bad place I visit him everyday I can’t let go.
mum so much in pain with it all I’m just hoping this pain lightens up some day.
Thanku for reading
I just wanted to say I read your post and I really feel for you. I haven't been in your position, but it sounds like you and your family have gone through an awful lot.
There are probably better people to give you insight here, and in your local area. Grief and loss are very real, and there is support available. Posting here is a great first step. Well done for making it this far, it must've been really difficult for you.
Thanku for your kind words.
to be honest what’s been harder is the fact that I tried so hard to make this easy for my dad with no support from my brother n sister at all and my mothers Heath is deteriorating as well.
I have been going over dads medical records and understanding what could have gone wrong and what they did to him. I’m probably not doing myself any favours but I have to know.
look my dad hated me I was the child he didn’t want around but yet I was the one that wanted him to be safe and happy. I achieved that but I’m the one in pain now. Because let’s face it I feel it’s my fault that he aspirated and I could have stopped it. I feel I should have been able to save him for a little longer. But I could not.
I will have to convince myself this is not so.
Thanku so much your words are just what I needed Thanku
I just thought I'd pop by and say hello, see how you were doing?
Don't be too hard on yourself. There's every chance that there was nothing more you or anyone else could do. Sometimes it's a fight that you can't win.
sorry it’s been a while.
im really struggling with dads passing, I feel I could have done something to save him amongst all of those medical professionals who did not do the job right.
I feel I stuffed up.
I visit him everyday n I cry all the time.
I just don’t know if this is going to get easier.
j really don’t know.
Thanku for ur understanding ur amazing.
Hi Effie, I’m glad you came back here to touch base.
This is a really difficult time of year for people going through what you have experienced. I lost my Mum when I was 21. It does get better, it gets easier over time...but you might not feel that way right now. Cancer can be a terrible illness, and sometimes we don’t win the fight, no matter how everyone tries, family and friends, plus medical professionals. You really have nothing to blame yourself for...you did your best. I’m sure your Dad appreciated everything you did, whether you talked about it or not. Unfortunately in the end it wasn’t to be, not because you did the wrong thing, but because there was nothing to be done.
My advice to you would be to get through the festive period, and then reach out for help with your grief. This could be online or through your doctor. It’s OK to visit your Dad as often as you want, it’s only a short time since he passed. Everyone deals with grief differently, so don’t worry about feeling guilty or sad, it’s Ok. It will get better, but there are definitely people out there who can help you.
Feel free to share here, others have gone through what you have...and at the very worst, I always feel better when I have shared my worries with a friend, family member, or even some strangers in the internet.
thanku so much.
I hear you but it’s not easy.
a d I’m sorry I’m sounding selfish now knowing you lost your mum so young.
I can’t imagine how this would have been for you at the time.
but at 52. My dad was 84 I see what it’s font to me now. I think I could imagine your experience.
but you are amazing and so selfless to share your wisdom.
Thanku so much you are a blessing.
please enjoy your Christmas,
wishing you nothing but the best and nothing but pure happiness.
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