So - most of the time I try and remain as upbeat as possible, and really have faced this whole Cancer diagnosis by way of avoidance - I go in, get blood taken, get pumped full of chemo, go home, and do it all again a week later. I think because of my long family history with Cancer I have dealt with it in such a way so it won't affect me as badly - because I know first hand the ugly side of this dreaded disease.
So, two weeks ago when I had my platelet transfusion, I was informed that my 'Cancer Markers' (whatever they're supposed to be - I really should ask more questions!) are up, and they should be going down instead of going up. So I was the unlucky recipient of two different Chemo regimes for two different types of Cancer - Uterine and NHL...until last week when I got sick with first a head cold/flu, and then gastro. My Oncologist, or rather, the doctor that works for my Oncologist has said that I need to take a few weeks off from treatment, and then get some scans done, and see just what it is we're dealing with. I was totally okay with coping with this on my own - meanwhile lying to my family and saying that my treatment was still continuing etc, etc.
Until Yesterday - when both my partner and my Aunt (who I live with) came in and bombarded me with questions - wanting to know what was going on and that something wasn't right with the whole situation. I then got asked the funniest question: Do we have a Cancer Problem, or a Drug Problem?!! The two of them were starting to think that due to many different changes and increases in pain medications that in fact I was a drug addict and not a Cancer Patient! Although I can laugh at it now, yesterday all I could do was cry - "If only I was a drug addict - that would be easier than dealing with this" - was my reply to them. So then everything came out - and I'm mad about it.
I'm mad because I was dealing with it by ignoring it - by 'sweeping it under the rug' and now that they all know, I honestly feel like I'm going through all the different stages of grief. All I can think about is my soon to be 16 month old daughter - who was very premature - had a hard start to life - and is still on oxygen. After seeing my mother and other family members and friends go through cancer - I'm not naive - I'm scared to death.
In a way it's a weight off my shoulders - but dealing with it by not dealing with it was SO much easier than this.
:(
Plus I feel awful for lying to my family for 2 weeks saying I was going up for chemo when I wasn't. Coming from someone who says they hate people that lie - I'm now a total hypocrite.
Not a good day for me today. 😞 Cancer Sucks.
