So - most of the time I try and remain as upbeat as possible, and really have faced this whole Cancer diagnosis by way of avoidance - I go in, get blood taken, get pumped full of chemo, go home, and do it all again a week later. I think because of my long family history with Cancer I have dealt with it in such a way so it won't affect me as badly - because I know first hand the ugly side of this dreaded disease.
So, two weeks ago when I had my platelet transfusion, I was informed that my 'Cancer Markers' (whatever they're supposed to be - I really should ask more questions!) are up, and they should be going down instead of going up. So I was the unlucky recipient of two different Chemo regimes for two different types of Cancer - Uterine and NHL...until last week when I got sick with first a head cold/flu, and then gastro. My Oncologist, or rather, the doctor that works for my Oncologist has said that I need to take a few weeks off from treatment, and then get some scans done, and see just what it is we're dealing with. I was totally okay with coping with this on my own - meanwhile lying to my family and saying that my treatment was still continuing etc, etc.
Until Yesterday - when both my partner and my Aunt (who I live with) came in and bombarded me with questions - wanting to know what was going on and that something wasn't right with the whole situation. I then got asked the funniest question: Do we have a Cancer Problem, or a Drug Problem?!! The two of them were starting to think that due to many different changes and increases in pain medications that in fact I was a drug addict and not a Cancer Patient! Although I can laugh at it now, yesterday all I could do was cry - "If only I was a drug addict - that would be easier than dealing with this" - was my reply to them. So then everything came out - and I'm mad about it.
I'm mad because I was dealing with it by ignoring it - by 'sweeping it under the rug' and now that they all know, I honestly feel like I'm going through all the different stages of grief. All I can think about is my soon to be 16 month old daughter - who was very premature - had a hard start to life - and is still on oxygen. After seeing my mother and other family members and friends go through cancer - I'm not naive - I'm scared to death.
In a way it's a weight off my shoulders - but dealing with it by not dealing with it was SO much easier than this.
Plus I feel awful for lying to my family for 2 weeks saying I was going up for chemo when I wasn't. Coming from someone who says they hate people that lie - I'm now a total hypocrite.
Not a good day for me today. 😞 Cancer Sucks.
Hi Little Miss,
Cancer sucks big time. Feeling scared is totally understandable and natural.
It must be the week for ambushes, as my Mum and Dad 'ambushed' hubby and I today at coffee. I KNOW they did it out of love for me and concern for us, as I am sure your partner and Aunt did for you.
And, I am sure that I will 'appreciate' their 'intervention' in a matter of time, but right at this moment I feel exposed. I feel very vulnerable.
Like you, my start to parenting didn't go as smoothly as it does for most people. I am VERY concerned about our sons and how they will cope with losing their Dad at such a young age. I totally get how your precious daughter is all that you can think of right now.
I truly hope that you can find some moments of lightness in such a crappy day.
Keep sharing, thinking of you and sending lots of cyber hugs.
Cancer Council NSW would like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live and work.We would also like to pay respect to elders past and present and extend that respect to all other Aboriginal people.