Some not so good news. :(

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Some not so good news. :(

So - most of the time I try and remain as upbeat as possible, and really have faced this whole Cancer diagnosis by way of avoidance - I go in, get blood taken, get pumped full of chemo, go home, and do it all again a week later. I think because of my long family history with Cancer I have dealt with it in such a way so it won't affect me as badly - because I know first hand the ugly side of this dreaded disease. So, two weeks ago when I had my platelet transfusion, I was informed that my 'Cancer Markers' (whatever they're supposed to be - I really should ask more questions!) are up, and they should be going down instead of going up. So I was the unlucky recipient of two different Chemo regimes for two different types of Cancer - Uterine and NHL...until last week when I got sick with first a head cold/flu, and then gastro. My Oncologist, or rather, the doctor that works for my Oncologist has said that I need to take a few weeks off from treatment, and then get some scans done, and see just what it is we're dealing with. I was totally okay with coping with this on my own - meanwhile lying to my family and saying that my treatment was still continuing etc, etc. Until Yesterday - when both my partner and my Aunt (who I live with) came in and bombarded me with questions - wanting to know what was going on and that something wasn't right with the whole situation. I then got asked the funniest question: Do we have a Cancer Problem, or a Drug Problem?!! The two of them were starting to think that due to many different changes and increases in pain medications that in fact I was a drug addict and not a Cancer Patient! Although I can laugh at it now, yesterday all I could do was cry - "If only I was a drug addict - that would be easier than dealing with this" - was my reply to them. So then everything came out - and I'm mad about it. I'm mad because I was dealing with it by ignoring it - by 'sweeping it under the rug' and now that they all know, I honestly feel like I'm going through all the different stages of grief. All I can think about is my soon to be 16 month old daughter - who was very premature - had a hard start to life - and is still on oxygen. After seeing my mother and other family members and friends go through cancer - I'm not naive - I'm scared to death. In a way it's a weight off my shoulders - but dealing with it by not dealing with it was SO much easier than this. :( Plus I feel awful for lying to my family for 2 weeks saying I was going up for chemo when I wasn't. Coming from someone who says they hate people that lie - I'm now a total hypocrite. Not a good day for me today. 😞 Cancer Sucks.
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Re: Some not so good news. :(

Hi Little Miss, Cancer sucks big time. Feeling scared is totally understandable and natural. It must be the week for ambushes, as my Mum and Dad 'ambushed' hubby and I today at coffee. I KNOW they did it out of love for me and concern for us, as I am sure your partner and Aunt did for you. And, I am sure that I will 'appreciate' their 'intervention' in a matter of time, but right at this moment I feel exposed. I feel very vulnerable. Like you, my start to parenting didn't go as smoothly as it does for most people. I am VERY concerned about our sons and how they will cope with losing their Dad at such a young age. I totally get how your precious daughter is all that you can think of right now. I truly hope that you can find some moments of lightness in such a crappy day. Keep sharing, thinking of you and sending lots of cyber hugs. Jill xo
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