Hi,
It is reassuring to know that other people feel scared sometimes too. I feel less alone and less neurotic about that. I am so thankful when other people speak so honestly about how they feel because it makes me realise I am not the only person who feels like this.
I have been having to learn to live with "the fear" a lot lately. Last year I went into several of my routine check ups thinking that everything is going to be ok (I have had chemo and radiotherapy for hodgkin's lymphoma). I feel ok so these test results will be ok. It is frightening to get test results back and have them find "something that we just need to keep an eye on" or they find something and say "you'll probably need surgery for this". I had this happen several times last year.
As well as this I also had a lesion removed from my arm in 2007. I thought that everything was going to be ok. It was the first doctors appointment where I didn't feel anxious about it being cancer. But then they diagnosed this lesion as a melanoma. But it was absolutely frightening to be told that I had melanoma and even more so when the surgeon said "There's not much we can do for melanomas that have spread"(thankfully a second opinion from another pathologist found that it was in fact a nuerothekeoma which is a bening tumour).
A couple of months ago I developed nightsweats.I had blood tests and a PET scan which were all normal (which is good). But I have continued to experience nightsweats and I feel that these are getting worse. So at the moment I am having to wait and see.
Through all of these experiences I am having to learn to live with the anxiety, fear and uncertainty. My normal everyday life does not stop just because these health issues are occurring. Sometimes it is not easy to keep going and to keep juggling the normal everyday life with these fears and doctors appointments. I am slowly learning what supports work well for me during these times. Here is a list of what I am finding helpful:
attending the lymphoma support group, becoming involved with this website and the support group on this web site, having a supportive GP who is good at listening to my concerns and will do a blood test when I am being a worry wort, telephoning and speaking to the clinical nurse consultant at my treating hospital, finding a supportive psychologist who is a good listener but who can offer useful strategies for managing anxiety and depression, having lovely friends and family to talk to and just hang out with (particularly on the bad days), journal writing, patting a dog, cat or horse, exercising and relaxation. I think the most important one is taking care of and being kind to myself during the difficult times.
When I feel scared or anxious I try to accept the presence of these feelings; that it is normal to feel like this during these times. I remind myself that these feelings will pass. Whatever else I am facing at the time will pass too. I am working very hard not to predict the future (worrying about worse case scenario, I really don't know what the future holds) or mind reading (worrying that the doctor is going to tell me bad news, afterall I really don't know what other poeole are thinking).
I am sure there are more but these were the ones that come to mind. What do others find useful at these times?
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