That, unfortunately, tends to be a usual reaction to the news of cancer. The important thing though is to try to keep your mind focussed elsewhere. Concentrate on the positive. There are many reasons we get cancer but they're not always obvious. Still, the question haunts us, "What did I do to cause this?" It's a question which, for most of us, will never be answered. The main thing is you're doing something about it now, and you have a medical team helping you through it. Good luck. ... View more

Went in for my exercise stress test today. They wired me up and took all the measurements while I was laying down at rest. Then they put me on a treadmill, still all wired up. They kept stressing that if I felt faint, or got chest pains at any time to tell them and they'd stop the machine. But for the test they needed to take me up to an extreme.   At first it was an easy, level walk. After three minutes they checked my blood pressure and heart rate but it hadn't changed. They upped the walk to a fast pace and inclined the treadmill to a slight climb. After a few more minutes they checked again. This time the heart rate was up. So they upped it again to a very fast walk just short of jogging, and made the incline steeper as well. This time the breathing rate went up, as well as the heart rate and blood pressure. But still no particular discomfort or strain on me. When they said they were turning it off I suggested not braking suddenly as I might end up over the handle bars. At the end they kept me wired up while I returned to a normal resting state.   The woman 'orchestrating' or 'conducting' the whole exercise said they'd still have to get my heart to an extreme state of stress while they monitor it with an ultrasound. This treadmill test didn't take it far enough. The stress would be induced by drugs. They seem determined to get me to breaking point one way or another. So the 'conductor' said she'd ring me at home this afternoon after she'd sorted it all out.   When I got home no phone call or messages. After the test I'd had an appointment with the GP so I told him all that had happened. Also said I was concerned that I'd be dead from cancer long before the tests were all completed. He's now referred me to an oncologist. It will be interesting to see how long this takes. I still haven't heard anything back from the referral to a psychologist, and that's been a couple of weeks now. No one seems to be in a hurry, except me. ... View more

Good luck with all that. It must be good to know that a lot of it is behind you even if there is still some way to go. Take care. ... View more

Managed to sort out my "Plan B". During a previous cancer event I put a "Plan B" in place. Bought a cemetery plot and organised a headstone. Paid for all that and felt quite pleased with myself. As it worked out Plan B wasn't needed. But unfortunately the stone mason I'd paid for the headstone did a midnight runner. So no stone, and no money. During this past week I sorted out the headstone again, so plan B is once more back on track. It's good to have things in order.   Went bush again today to clear the mind. I've spent too much sleepless time at home just losing control of my thoughts. This time I didn't get into the swamps. Mostly up and down rocky slopes off the beaten trail. I like a bit of scrub bashing to get to places no one else goes.   It's strange, but great, that with this sort of activity I feel pretty fit (and healthy). Back home not so good. Even cough a lot more when just sitting down at home and not being particularly active. Maybe it's just psychosomatic.   After getting back I managed to sleep a couple of hours, very much a plus. All in all, a good way to end the week. ... View more

All this procrastination is getting me down again. I did their cardio test and again ended up against another blank wall, one of the proverbial "mushroom people". So, after a few days I rang the care coordinator. I'm sure they'd forgotten about me again.   Anyway, she tells me there's another test I have to do - "Exercise Stress Test". If they put me through a procrastination stress test I bet the readings would be up through the roof.   I just get the impression they're stringing all these tests out every one or two weeks just to stall the whole thing. When I suggested that to the care coordinator she said she'd try to get something sorted. So just a short while ago there was a phone call to say the exercise stress test would be done next Tuesday (today is Friday, Monday's a public holiday). Why am I forced into being a 'squeaky wheel'?   As I've said before, I'm not getting any younger, the cancer is not getting any smaller. The PET scan showed the cancer hadn't spread outside the lungs. Are they waiting for it to spread so they can have something a bit more challenging to deal with?   Crazy times! Can't wait for the roller coaster to get back up the rise so that I can see clear blue sky again. ... View more

@Nickelbee75 That was a good move coming here and posting. This is a great place to open up with your feelings and get support. You can also ring the Cancer Council and speak directly with someone. I've done that and found it tremendously helpful. It's not unusual to feel that the odds are being stacked up against you, but it is a stressful time. Finding diversions for your mind can help you maintain a positive outlook. Things that interest you that you can focus on or 'bury yourself' in. It can seem like the road ahead is long and daunting, without any shortcuts, but given time you'll get there by staying focussed and positive. All the very best ... View more

Funny in a way, after meetings with surgeons or GPs I come away feeling a bit down. On the other hand after the meeting with the Cancer Council counsellor I was on top of the world. Today was the cardio exam. The cardiologist said my heart was strong which would help me a lot through this. And with never having been a smoker she said that my lungs must be good too and that also goes a long way in helping. So many mixed messages. I know who I'd rather be talking to. But what the heck, you live while you live. There's plenty of time for whatever else later.   Just some thoughts at the end of another day. ... View more

@Dee58 There's the old saying, 'You pick your friends but you're born with your relatives'. It's a difficult balancing act with your daughter, she may end up resentful that you kept this from her. There's nothing easy about these situations.   Had my day out yesterday. Ended up trudging through swamps again but had a great time. Today my legs are a bit sore, pushing through tall swamp grasses and having to lift legs high takes it out of you. But I should be good for the cardiologist this afternoon. Being out bush all this seems so far away, then you return and it's back to reality. ... View more

@Dee58 We're 1.5 hours ahead of WA, the east coast is 2 hours ahead. I'm retired now, took a redundancy and then tossed it in a few years back.   My sleep pattern also tends to follow what works to an extent, but influenced by things I have to do and my trips out bush as well. If I can't sleep there's always something to do. Don't want to waste time tossing and turning in bed.   @KaceJax Sometimes the burden does seem unbearable, but we need to get through it. What's been happening with me is there are times when there appears to be no burden and I wonder what all the fuss is about. It's a regular roller coaster ride. "Loved ones" are a bit in short supply but what I do have I really appreciate.   Yesterday had my meeting with the Cancer Council counsellor (try saying that fast a few times). I started off saying "I don't really know what I'm doing here and I don't really know what to say." Of course that rapidly changed and I soon opened up. Can't allow my reputation for being able to talk under water getting ruined.   Apart from allowing me to get back into balance I also found out about their support services. At the end of the (long) session I felt on top of the world.   Early this morning I headed out bush. Did a lot of walking, including some steep climbs. The steep parts slowed me down but I managed. Just over ten years ago I walked the Kokoda Trail. Can't see myself doing that again any time soon.   Planning on going out again tomorrow, all flat country though so a lot easier. Bit of rough driving involved but with wet season over it's drying out now so shouldn't be a problem.   The appointment with the cardiologist is on Monday. The heart will have had a good work out by then. Meantime I'm still feeling really good 😁. ... View more

@Dee58, @Budgie thanks for the support you've been giving me, love you both for it. It means a lot. I wasn't sure about opening up on the forum as in the every day world I keep my issues to myself. Questions of "How are you?" are always met with an unhesitating "Really good". Being able to let the undercurrent of feelings come out helps in dealing with them.   Today that vision of the endless black ocean trying to envelop me was so real it scared me. But after doing some work at home and then getting lost in some DVDs (don't have a TV) the image has faded into the back ground. Still haven't made the move into bed though. Just feel it's not going to work well. Having dozed off during one of the DVDs has taken the edge off any tiredness, so in that way not very helpful. But I do feel a bit more at ease. So, just had my warm milk and honey, and with renewed optimism it's off to bed. Wish me luck. ... View more